Who's being unreasonable me or DH?

[BaBun]

Regarding contraception.

One child together, husband wants no more, I probably would have another if he were on board but not desperately bothered by having one.

I have said I'm absolutely done with being responsible for contraception. I'm sick of adding hormones to my body which are not side effect free or having doctors sticking things in me. I've done the pill, the implant, the injection, I do not want a coil. I just don't want anything else in me, physically or hormonally. Since our child I've had nothing and I feel so much better about it.

Told DH he should get the snip for two reasons really.

1. I've been responsible for contraception up until now, why should he not be?

1. He's the one who's dead against another child. (He really doesn't want another one, there is no way he'll change his mind so it's not a case of holding off because he's not sure).

He thinks I'm being unreasonable because all I have to do is 'take a pill' whereas he has to have a procedure and he doesn't want to. No other reason than he just doesn't want a procedure done. He doesn't like condoms so whilst we'll use them he doesn't want them to be a long term option if possible.

Who's being unreasonable? I want to keep leaving it at his door whereas he wants me to just give in and 'just take a pill'.

YANBU - he should get the snip.

YABU - you should sort it.

YANBU!

To add I have had terrible experiences with some of the forms of contraception I've tried, mainly the implant and depo injection. None stop bleeding for months and months. Absolutely awful and I will never ever try either of them again.

The pill whilst the most 'pain free' of the types I've tried wasn't without it's issues either, mood swings, spots ect.. in addition to the fact I'm just sick of having to remember to take it all the time and go for check ups and all the rest of it.

He is being very unreasonable.
And I always wonder if these men are keeping their options open in case of a future relationship 🤔

We all know how this thread is going to go but here it is.

YANBU to say you don't want to have all the burden of contraception, especially hormonal.
He WNBU to say he doesn't want an invasive procedure, which can have unfortunate and pretty horrible side effects. (yes, i know about the pill, presumably you weighed up the pros and cons before settling on that)
Also men can be really funny about having this operation.

It is not unreasonable for you to say "ok, you are responsible for contraception from now on". Be aware that he might select Pope's Roulette so you do need to have veto/discussions. You both have to be on board with it. Nothing is 100% reliable (if we're talking PIV sex) so take that into account. And what are you going to do if half way through (with condom) it breaks, falls off or he stealths you and you fall pregnant? Presumably from your OP abortion wouldn't be an option. how is he going to handle that?

Apparently if there was a pill that he could take he'd do it but luckily for him there isn't.

Easy to say when you know there isn't though imo!

He needs to take responsibility for his own fertility. Get him to read aloud the warning leaflet that comes with the Pill.

I really don't think it's this tbh. He genuinely doesn't want more kids (he has 3 inc ours together).

I felt the same as you (but wanting more kids was the other way round) and had so many issues with hormone contraceptives. Also wasn't happy taking any increased risk or anything for contraceptive purposes anymore.

My husband had the snip. I did my bit and it was his turn.

(I did also have a traumatic birth and after leading me to being utterly terrified to get pregnant again so he was also facing snip or sex never again)

I always think nobody is unreasonable in this situation.

though as taking contraception is difficult for you, I would side with you slightly.

I don’t agree with the argument of ‘I have had to sort contraception out so now it’s his turn’ is a good one. That’s down to biology and the fact that Medicine and medical research is still inherently sexist. That’s not a reason he should have something done to his own body.

But neither should you do something to your own body either, that you don’t want to.

I always think this is extremely difficult, to work out. Though as I said, as you have a bad time of it with contraception, I would say you are the (slightly) more reasonable one here.

He WNBU to say he doesn't want an invasive procedure, which can have unfortunate and pretty horrible side effects. (yes, i know about the pill, presumably you weighed up the pros and cons before settling on that) Also men can be really funny about having this operation

I get this. But I still think it's pretty selfish. Maybe wrongly I'll admit. I've had plenty of invasive doctor's visits, inc procedures, surrounding contraception and having our child. I didn't get to say 'oh but I don't want toooooo'. As a woman, the amount of times I've had doctors all up in my business is uncountable 🤣

It's one time. One procedure. Nothing is without possible side effects I get that. But I've been expected to roll the dice plenty!

Of course you are not unreasonable. Dh and I had same discussion. We settled.on condoms and he is responsible fpr buying them. I am done with worrying about contraception.

He is definitely being unreasonable by saying all you have to do is "take a pill". He doesn't have a clue.

Also... I'd be happy using condoms. He doesn't like them.

All you have to do is take a pill?! Does he think it's a tic tac? Of course it's not unreasonable to not want to take any more hormones.

This is us.
I'm done with contraception. We are very happy with the 2 children that we have. It's up to him now. He is refusing the snip because he is scared of the procedure and any complications. So condoms it is for now. He hates them whereas they don't bother me. Every time he complains I say 'get the snip then'
Maybe he will one day, I can't force him.

YANBU. I can’t take hormonal contraception due to family medical history (and it makes me feel shit). DH and I had a similar convo where I pointed out I’d had 3x9 months of messing up my body with pregnancies, plus the births and subsequent healing. He got the snip - a combo of this logic and not wanting a 4th!

I think this will just be use tbh. With me saying 'get the snip then ' any time he complains about the condoms. They work for me, I don't mind them.

Just be us**

I'm going to be in this situation, i've mentioned the snip to my husband and he has shut it down. But i've made it clear after our next baby is born, i am not going back on any contraception. I have been on it for 15 years, given birth to 2 children, so it will be his turn. Whether that is condoms, vasectomy or no sex, decision will be his 🤷🏼‍♀️

I honestly don't understand why so many Men are so funny about the snip, its like it takes away their manhood or something

Soon though, isn't there one in the mix with human trials starting this year? Or was it binned?

I'm with you. If he doesn't want to, that's fine. But he's in charge of contraception from now on.

YANBU.
He is! I would be telling him it's condoms or the snip. His choice there. And tell him any subsequent whinging on his part pressuring you into taking hormonal contraception would result in you seriously going of the idea of sex at all with someone that doesn't respect your decisions.

Yanbu.
I'm (happily) divorced now and I look back on some things that happened during my marriage that were, with hindsight, huge red flags.
This exact conversation was one of those things. Wearing condoms meant his experience was slightly less pleasurable during sex. Slightly less, still had an orgasm every time. Whereas the contraception for me meant headaches every month. It meant mood swings which I was then in the dog house for. Looking back, how was this even a debate? (Of course, being the cool dutiful wife I took the pills for him. Wish I hadn't.)

Hold your ground op. He has the choices of abstinence, condoms, a possible baby, or vasectomy. As you said, it's his turn.

And, dismissing your concerns is pretty abhorrent.

You're both being equally as unreasonable as each other. There is no "his turn" to do something to his body that he doesn't want to do just because you chose to do it to your body previously. You didn't have to do it before, you chose to - you consented. He's not consenting to it and it's unreasonable to force or coerce him. The same applies the other way around, he can't force or coerce you into consenting either. Both of you have said no - so condoms it is.

Just as he's not acknowledging the side effects and risks of the female contraceptive options, you (and almost every poster on here) are ignoring the risks and side effects of the snip. It causes a 20% increase in the chance he'll get prostate cancer and there's a 15% chance he'll have permanent or long-term scrotum pain - let's not pretend those won't impact you too. If he gets cancer or doesn't want to have sex for the next decade because it's painful then that's hefty for your relationship. It's bad enough when those things happen when he made his own mind up and consented fully to the procedure, but imagine the resentment if you force him into it.

Neither of you can force or coerce or manipulate or bully the other one into getting contraception that you aren't comfortable with. That's unacceptable on so many levels. Both of you need to acknowledge each other's concerns and stop undermining them. You're as bad as each other at this point.

Got a link for that 20% increased risk of prostate cancer, Switchin?

He's being highly unreasonable, and completely ignorant, dismissive and unappreciative if the toll contraception and childbirth has on women.

He should feel free to use condoms but given he's not willing to do that, his attitude is appalling.