Who's being unreasonable me or DH?

[BaBun]

Regarding contraception.

One child together, husband wants no more, I probably would have another if he were on board but not desperately bothered by having one.

I have said I'm absolutely done with being responsible for contraception. I'm sick of adding hormones to my body which are not side effect free or having doctors sticking things in me. I've done the pill, the implant, the injection, I do not want a coil. I just don't want anything else in me, physically or hormonally. Since our child I've had nothing and I feel so much better about it.

Told DH he should get the snip for two reasons really.

1. I've been responsible for contraception up until now, why should he not be?

1. He's the one who's dead against another child. (He really doesn't want another one, there is no way he'll change his mind so it's not a case of holding off because he's not sure).

He thinks I'm being unreasonable because all I have to do is 'take a pill' whereas he has to have a procedure and he doesn't want to. No other reason than he just doesn't want a procedure done. He doesn't like condoms so whilst we'll use them he doesn't want them to be a long term option if possible.

Who's being unreasonable? I want to keep leaving it at his door whereas he wants me to just give in and 'just take a pill'.

YANBU - he should get the snip.

YABU - you should sort it.

Well, he has lots of choices

Condoms
The snip
No sex

None of which are introducing hormones to his body.
And if getting pregnant isn't the end of the world to you, he's the one that's got to prevent it now.

So leave it with him

Nobody is being unreasonable. YANBU for not wanting to take hormonal contraception, he's not BU because he doesn't want a procedure (I'd never ask my DH to have one, it's his choice.)

Just use condoms. Problem solved.

Neither of you is being unreasonable to not want to take medication or have a surgical procedure you don’t want to have. Anyone who tries to pressurise someone else into taking medication or undergo medical procedures they don’t want is unreasonable.

Just stop taking the pill. I had similar issue with DH. He was happy to get the snip but just couldn't be arsed. I had my implant removed, we then used condoms for the next 5 years because he still never got round to it.

I then told him I would get the implant again as soon as he went to GP and got his referral. That finally worked.

I hate these threads. Everyone will always like on the guy about his unreasonableness but vasectomy is permanent removal of fertility. It’s not the same as taking contraception

ultimately a couple should be able to sit down together and rationally discuss contraception options, one of which is vasectomy,

how old is he?

This sums up what I was going to put!

I don't think because you did it previously (I'm assuming without coercion?!) he now has to do it as it's "his turn".

Condoms maybe? Would you consider a tube tying or sterilisation? Would he consider abstaining?

I saw a video recently where men on the street were given the list of side effects for hormonal contraception, and told it was for the new "male" pill. Once they'd read them and asked if they would take it, it was a resounding HELL NO men really have no idea.

Years ago there was a trial of a male pill which was scrapped because of the mood swings, weight gain etc that men experienced, exactly the same side effects as women but of course it's ok for women but unacceptable for men to suffer.

I've had the vasectomy conversation in jest with many men, and they're so weirdly protective of their junk but interestingly their knee jerk reaction is almost always, "the woman should get sterilised".

I've heard fairly recent talk of a male pill and a male cream/serum thing they can apply daily, but honestly I'm not sure I'd trust most men to be consistent with either.

You both get to decide what you are or aren't doing to your own bodies, you don't want to take hormonal contraception and he doesn't want the snip. His only other options are condoms or abstinence, I'd be making it very clear to him that those are his only options and that if you were to fall pregnant that you would be keeping it.

If he tries to put pressure on you I'd ask him why it's ok for him to push decisions about what happens to you body but not ok for you to insist he has a vasectomy.

Tell him to jog on with his double standards.

I totally agree with you, OP. My DH had the snip for this very reason. He actually said he didn't want me taking any more additional hormones and I didn't want to either. Neither of us got on with condoms so it was vasectomy or celibacy.

"Just take a pill" is naïve bollocks really. They are hormonal and there can be significant risks and side effects for a sizeable proportion of us, especially as we age.

Nothing is entirely risk free for either women or men, but for women there is the extra risk of an unwanted pregnancy, and pregnancy is certainly not risk free.

Just in case anyone believed that thing about prostate cancer....
It's not true.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prostate-cancer/expert-answers/vasectomy/faq-20058022#:~:text=Does%20vasectomy%20increase%20my%20risk,of%20prostate%20cancer%20after%20vasectomy.

No coercion or manipulation from my side, as I've already said I'm quite happy with Condoms, it's him who doesn't even want to use them and thinks I should 'just take a pill'. If he's got a problem with Condoms, maybe he should 'just have the snip' is my point.

Condoms maybe? Would you consider a tube tying or sterilisation? Would he consider abstaining?

I'm fine with condoms, he doesn't like them. And no I'd never consider tube tying, because I'm not the one who's dead against having another child. He is.

To the PP who asked his age he's 37.

I wouldn’t want my DH to get a vasectomy. The risk of chronic pain is high. That’s why I opted for the copper coil, no hormones.

I get you don’t see why it has to be up to you, well if condones work for you I don’t see the issue.

YANBU to want to stop using hormonal contraception.

He INBU to prefer not to have a surgical procedure.

YA both BU to think that those are the only options. You could use condoms or a diaphragm or whatever.

I wouldn’t want my DH to get a vasectomy. The risk of chronic pain is high.

No it isn’t.

You could use condoms

Again, I'm happy to use condoms.

My BiL had the snip so my DH knew that that would have been it for us or condoms if I had not been sterilised for medical reasons, cancer prevention.

I had no problems on the pill but I would still have taken your line in your situation. There is a risk to taking the pill,a low one but still a risk. It would have been condoms or snip for us.

He doesn’t need to get an operation done if he doesn’t want to but he needs to take precautions in other ways to not make you pregnant or deal with the consequences.

I think there’s a chance you are wrong. It’s thought that long term pain is vastly under reported by men.

Men generally don’t go back unless it’s very bad. I was there when exh was explained this in the day he had it. Sure enough 5 year later he got regular pain but didn’t want to go to the doctor. Just took ibuprofen. But it was bad when it flared up.

a friends husband was the same.

Thats not a reason he shouldn’t get it done. But I still don’t think you are definitively correct.

I've been waiting nine years for DH to book himself in for the snip. He's 59. When we have sex, we use condoms. I worry there will be an accident and I'll fall pregnant. In the US so consequences of that are we would have DC4. He just will not step up so very little sex happening here.

The OP has said, more than once, that she is happy with condoms.

However, her DH is not.

He doesn't want to take any responsibility for avoiding pregnancy even though it's him that doesn't want any more children.

I just insisted on condoms every time. No condom, no sex. And I didn't buy them. Took 3 years from the birth of my last baby for my husband to have the snip.

I don't think this should even be up for discussion, of course you shouldn't be taking the pill or anything else if you feel better without it. It's up to him if he wants the snip but otherwise it's condoms. Boohoo if he doesn't like it.

I stopped taking the pill about 5 years ago, I let my partner know and we use condoms now. It didn't even occur to me for a second to make this a discussion.

He needs to educate himself on the effects of hormone contraceptives on women before he opens his mouth again to try and tell you what to put in your body.

Yep, in case they meet someone younger down the line who wants a kid :/

Anyway, YANBU OP. My DH after we had our son and neither of us wanted anymore and he straight away said he would get the snip, no drama and I never even asked him if he would

I think you're being entirely reasonable, OP, giving him the choice of vasectomy, condoms (or presumably no more piv sex?).

Those are very reasonable choices, as is your reasonable choice not to take the pill.

PP mentioned an IUD? some women experience excruciating pain having those inserted (mine was painful, so fucking painful) and have awful periods after (me again) some women get on fine with them. So that's another choice you can decide on if you like OP. But again, nobody can force you.

Interested in this 20% increased risk of prostrate cancer. Any stats to back that up? I read that about 13% of men are at risk for it, 2% will probably die. So that means 20% of 13 men in a hundred (so slightly over 2 per hundred) extra men might get prostrate cancer due to a vasectomy. Those odds are quite high if true. But again - not always deadly so something to consider.

Of course he’s being unreasonable, is he always this selfish?