To ask this about child maintenance

[OnlyChangedNameForThis]

Trying to keep this as unemotive as possible and have changed my user name so I can share responses with my ex spouse.

If someone pays child maintenance, is it expected that a chunk of this money be used by the resident parent to pay towards household bills (e.g. gas, electricity, water, rent not covered by housing benefit, food). Or is it OK for it to be spent towards some of these bills and not others?

Not going to say here whether I am the resident or non resident parent as I don't want to affect replies one way or the other

Mine is paid weekly into my bank account (they deduct directly from ex’s wages as he refused to pay) and is just added to the general pot. But I feed / house / clothe ds 100% of the time, and pay for all classes and activities, so I’m pretty sure that costs more than double the £200 a month he pays.

this thread, frankly is stupid.

start a new one…do something similar to a pros and cons - like RP may say XYZ and NRP may say ABC and then it has both sides and we can discuss properly.

otherwise you have just looked like you are the new partner who hates the old partner and wants to tell your partner to stop paying maintenance. the who is who is detracting from the post, as is your hopping from one side to the other…I understand why, but it’s been done poorly. If you want impartial views, give two viewpoints in your initial post, with points for both, and then it can be discussed

Yeah - fair point - though I'm not sure everyone would have the patience for a new thread!! Apologies it's a bit ham-fisted - I've made it more from NRPs point of view as I didn't want it to turn into a sob story from my point of view

Hang on a sec.. does NRP think the maintenance should be spent on trainers over bills

Perhaps DC might consider moving in with NRP if RP rented their room out to a lodger - the £7,500 income under UK tax free rent a room scheme could be partially saved for DC... Then new RP would have a bit more understanding and DC could hopefully expect greater generosity with shoes etc.

Thought if I needed to learn some home truths about me squandering the money on bills then I should hear them - so wanted to put across NRPs feelings expressed in emails and things he has apparently said to DC over the last couple of years and have been reported back to me (of course I know DC can be an unreliable narrator(

This is from a solicitor’s website but the Gov. site has a very similar phrasing

“In order to understand what does child maintenance cover – we need to be clear on what is defined as child maintenance.
The government defines child maintenance as the “financial support towards your child’s everyday living costs when you’ve separated from the other parent.”

Household bills are part and parcel of supporting a child.
The non-resident parent can’t dictate to the resident parent how it is spent.

Well if you are RP, then I feel bad that you are stuck with NRP like this.

Thank you

On the plus side, you’ll be rid of him soon, once your son is too old for him to send money to you then you can stop bothering with him altogether :)

It's not squandering though. As long as you're contributing too as best you can.

Child maintenance is to go towards anything that maintains the child, be that food, heating, housing, clothing, entertainment, electricity, water etc.

But even then. His contribution is not linked in anyway to your contribution.

Doh! - sorry, my error - I misread RP as NRP.

My ex has never really paid proper maintenance but the few months that CMA deducted £7 a week from his benefits, I purposely spent it on a Costa for myself as a fuck you to him as I was paying for everything all the time. You can spend it as you see fit. If your child is fed, watered, clean and clothed, it is nothing to do with NRP!

So is your issue that child has asked for shows. You have said next month when you have more money in the bank. Child has asked NRP who has then said that is what maintenance is for, I give £330 a month and that child should ask you for some of that?

Almost. DC asked their dad for shoes because I had said to them to wait til the beginning of next month when I've been paid as I've already bought some clothes for them this month and we're at the lean part of the month financially.

Their dad then emailed me about the vast fortune he pays for his child's upkeep every month, accusing me of letting our DC walk around in broken shoes (DC has lots of shoes and a couple of these pairs of shoes are a little the worse for wear), refusing to buy shoes or have shoes fixed (DC has never asked me to get shoes fixed and I have said I'll buy shoes at the beginning of next month) and "emotionally blackmailing" our child about our "destitution" (I do not consider us destitute and would definitely not say so to our DC - I have said we're on a tight budget and they need to wait. Not the same thing).

I appreciate that our DC may possibly have tried their luck with their father, but it's not the first time it has happened. I'd appreciate he ask whether I'd refused to buy shoes for DC rather than sending me yet another nasty email, accusing me of things that are just not true, and telling our DC that I shouldn't be spending "their" money on bills.

Just he's so confident in his assertion that £330 per month is a princely sum and I'm practically stealing it off DC by putting a chunk of it towards bills that I start to doubt myself.

DC is very interested in clothes, has their own style, lots of clothes to choose from and always looks terrific. I promise they're not walking around in rags with holes in their shoes!!

@Steelesauce you are a star. On the occasion I get my nails done I always thank ex for actually paying some money so I can treat myself. As every penny I have goes on the kids and keeping a roof over their heads.

Just from this post alone the NRP sounds like a dick

I'm NRP for one child same age as yours but have another living with me.

I pay CM and all costs for my DD - ballet, phone, Spotify, school meals, monthly allowance.

If she needed new shoes I'd buy them. Squabbling with XH is a sport I've given up on.

He owns his house outright and the CM pays all his bills. He works FT.

I'd have my DD to live with me but it won't happen sadly as she's worth too much to him.

He does have to pay me CM at the moment but that will stop soon as DS is 17.

Givne you choose to work part time, and your son is 16, have you planned how you will manage when the maintenance ends and you lose the child element of any top ups from benefits?

Reality for many in this situation, even with MH issues, is that when they have older children they have to work full time or will go under. And you may need to be considering your future post maintenance more than worrying about what he thinks that you should be using it for.

I presume that you are receiving at least the minimum maintenance on the cms calculator?

It’s for the general costs of life in raising a child. So that could be anything from putting a roof over their head to paying for food to a fun day out together. It’s not ‘fun money’ whilst RP has to provide all the tough stuff! That’s completely unreasonable. Given the cost of living crisis I’d expect many parents are using maintenance to pay gas bills.

Maintenance can be used for anything!
when my DC were younger I used it towards the mortgage - if I hadn’t had them full time I wouldn’t have needed a 3 bed house