To not want my ex as our daughters 'family manager' on Google?

[Applepea1]

My ex brought our daughter a new tablet and set up a Google account for her. It prompted him to set up Google family and he put his email in and sent me an invite as an additional parent. I do not want this, he has full control and observation over a child who he see's for a few hours each week. He emotionally abused me and this just feels wrong. The manager can't leave the group and I can't have any control on her account unless I join the account and become part of the family. He says he can't see what the problem is. I'm tempted just to open another account using my email. Am I being unreasonable?

@Andromachehadabadday fair enough, point taken re your experience. I am not advocating the OP do anything with the tablet, and not disagreeing that her dd's Dad is allowed to buy her one etc, simply that I understand why the OP doesn't want her ex to have oversight of its operation when it is in HER home - as per my earlier post with my ex questioning screen time etc - single parenting is hard enough without feeling like you are being remotely observed and criticised, especially by someone who only does the fun bits. I would ask for it to be left at his house, or have very strict rules around it's use - limited time, in the same room as me etc, regardless of what the family app allows, or if possible, buy another - that's a faff for the child but may be the best way.

My point to you was not really about what the op should or shouldn’t do. Which is why I didn’t reference it, in my reply to you.

it’s the assumption that every victim of abuse now thinks in the same way. That we must be a hive mind and all agree. I find it really dismissive of other peoples experience and opinions and it’s quite offensive.

if op doesn’t want the tablet on at hers she doesn’t allow it in her house. Or doesn’t take it with them when they go out, if tracking is a concern. Or, if she can, buy one for her house and switch his off.

He won’t know anything about the op unless she actually uses it herself. Knowing what she apps she has out in it is one of her concerns.

Why is it a problem that your child's father has control over her internet usage? This has absolutely nothing to do with the lack of relationship between the two of you. You're welcome to buy her a tablet for your house that's under your control.

Google family also let's you track the devices location. So if he has form for controlling, be very careful of this. I have it on my daughter's phone.

I would absolutely send the device straight back to dads and tell dd to leave it there. Tell him via email that its best at his house.

i would not accept the family request and I would not use it in my house. Ex would have tried this and it wouldn’t have been because he loves his children so much he wants them to have experience of tech 🙄

I swear some posters here purposely try and gaslight women who have clearly said they’ve been abused by belittling and mocking the abuse they’ve gone through.

no way on earth would I have any tech which abusive ex had control over in my home.

ex absolutely could buy our dc whatever he wishes. He can’t keep it at my house though and use it as a method of control over me. Which is exactly what he would do.

thankfully my DC are much old now and are free to have relationship with their father on their own terms without me having to be involved.
quite unsurprisingly they don’t want to.

@Hallyup89 its a problem that he has control over it when at the OPs house. It may not suit her to have the limits or restrictions or lack of them that he decides to impose and if, as a secondary adult on the account, either of them overrides the other its just asking for issues. Its generally given on MN that other than obviously neglectful or dangerous issues, what happens at the other parent's house is none of the business of the first parent. This muddies the waters considerably - like saying the other parent can decide the bedtime or what they eat or how far from the house they can go alone. No-one would say that was ok (within reasonable limits) so why is this different?

Make a new account or she can keep it at his house. Who knows what he can do as manager, does it have a camera and microphone for instance?

These are assumptions that it's about control...

How about...

Dad bought daughter a tablet when with him.

Daughter quite rightly wants said tablet set up when with her dad.

Dad sets up tablet as daughter quite rightly wants to use it.

Dad has to set up parental features etc to setup tablet and does so. Being reasonable he also alerts the other parent to the control setup.

That is perfectly normal and how it goes. And indeed how it would go whether separated or not. Whoever sets it up puts in their details.

If the op is convinced this is about control of her, then she either forbids use at her home, buys another or causes ww3 over a tablet she didn't buy! All due to her issues.

And as for those inferring that having this attitude means never having been in a controlling or dv relationship are too talking utter shite, as I certainly have been and guess what disagree with the op.

Yes, there could be a find me type app installed as is quite normal. But given the op won't actually coparebt she'll never know nor have any ability to manage these settings to keep her child safe. Nor does she realise that these features work both ways! And unless connected to WiFi or a network, won't work anyway, so surely the obvious approach would be put on airplane mode of she's really so bothered when out of home? As for the rest, I cannot imagine the father is going to care that much whether it's a Peppa Pig app or YouTube for kids. But has been responsible and reasonable. Not inviting her to join the app would have been unreasonable. As hard as it is, it's time to get over the relationship issues and start coparenting. And putting the children's needs first!

YABU

Why would you have control for something he bought for a child that is both yours and his?

If it bothers you just buy a second one and you be in charge of ghat one. I couldn't get annoyed about this when I presume there is plenty else to be annoyed about

Set up a new Google account. Job done

I left an abusive relationship, and I have to agree with @Laurajane1987 that this sounds like a control move on the ex's part.

Again, @TurquoiseDragon thats your perception and tbh, sounds as though that's your default position, which rather than being alert to potential controlling behaviour seems more like not yet moved on to recognising that behaviour can be utterly reasonable and not controlling in nature also.

He’s probably put a tracker on it. I’m assuming that’s why he needed you to join the family manager and as dd is always with you, he’d be following your every move. Yuck!

He can do that without op having to join anything.

The naievity of some of the replies....

I'm glad some posters don't have experience of domestic abuse.

Some abusers would absolutely use this tablet as a method of control in order to access the OPs location, private contacts, emails etc..

I had my personal telephone calls recorded via similar methods under the guise of monitoring kids....

Send it back it can stay at his house

Yeah it's blatantly obvious that some people on this thread have no experience of controlling or abusive relationships (and I'm immensely glad of that, wouldn't wish it on anyone).

YANBU OP. I've been in a similar position. I don't like he can track where she is when she's with me, aka where I am too for the most part and if she has a screen heavy day he comments on that. I also don't want to be in anything called family with him but would like some of the app controls that family link has to have a better handle on screen time. For me, it's not about not being the one in control but not wanting him to use yet something else ri exert control over me