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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my ex as our daughters 'family manager' on Google?

92 replies

Applepea1 · 31/05/2022 14:22

My ex brought our daughter a new tablet and set up a Google account for her. It prompted him to set up Google family and he put his email in and sent me an invite as an additional parent. I do not want this, he has full control and observation over a child who he see's for a few hours each week. He emotionally abused me and this just feels wrong. The manager can't leave the group and I can't have any control on her account unless I join the account and become part of the family. He says he can't see what the problem is. I'm tempted just to open another account using my email. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
orwellwasright · 31/05/2022 15:52

maythe4thbewithme · 31/05/2022 14:26

I don't see the issue. He is her father

Because he's an arsehole and a shit father. And, yes, he is. Anyone who abuses the mother of their child is a shit person and parent.

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 15:52

Of course a parent can buy a tablet without the other parents “permission” he is her father, some controlling women on here!

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 15:53

Then they speak about men being controlling 🙄

Original poster
Applepea1 · 31/05/2022 16:25

Yes I actually do want full control! She's with me most of the time, he doesn't get involved in her day to day life. It just creeps me out that he can then observe everything she does, can access apps I've purchased, or just see apps I've purchased, and I have to agree to be the additional parent, taking into account his behaviour and history of abuse. I'm trying to protect my daughter but also understand she has a separate relationship with her dad. The split is quite fresh still and the idea of being in a family group with him isn't particularly nice. He constantly gaslighted me, so it's hard sometimes to know what's right and what isn't.
I'm just trying to gather opinions to decide whether to make a new account or suck it up.

OP posts:
Meraas · 31/05/2022 16:26

No way should you suck it up. Don't give the abusive cunt the satisfaction.

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 16:27

So you want full control? why didn’t you buy your own then? Give it to him and tell him to keep it at his house then buy her one yourself for your house.

Overthewine · 31/05/2022 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

orwellwasright · 31/05/2022 16:34

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 15:52

Of course a parent can buy a tablet without the other parents “permission” he is her father, some controlling women on here!

He's an abusive arsehole who only sees a kid for a few hours a week and may well be using his daughter and her belongings to continue controlling his ex.

But hey none of that seems important to you.

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 16:39

orwellwasright · 31/05/2022 16:34

He's an abusive arsehole who only sees a kid for a few hours a week and may well be using his daughter and her belongings to continue controlling his ex.

But hey none of that seems important to you.

Show quote history

The point is a parent doesn’t need the other parents “permission” to buy the child things and tbh doesn’t sound like the op has a problem with him buying the tablet just the acc so keep it at his house 🤷‍♀️, parents don’t need to ask permission to buy their kids things.

PloppyMouth · 31/05/2022 16:58

You sound very bitter. That will be detrimental to your daughter long term.

Meraas · 31/05/2022 17:41

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 16:39

The point is a parent doesn’t need the other parents “permission” to buy the child things and tbh doesn’t sound like the op has a problem with him buying the tablet just the acc so keep it at his house 🤷‍♀️, parents don’t need to ask permission to buy their kids things.

Show quote history

Why should OP mind her child's father buying her a tablet?

What the OP (rightly) has a problem with is her ex trying to make OP a party to the account when it would be OP doing the bulk of the updating as ex only sees his kid a few hours a week.

BiscoffSundae · 31/05/2022 18:01

Meraas · 31/05/2022 17:41

Why should OP mind her child's father buying her a tablet?

What the OP (rightly) has a problem with is her ex trying to make OP a party to the account when it would be OP doing the bulk of the updating as ex only sees his kid a few hours a week.

Show quote history

Did I say she should?! Don’t misquote me as you know I was responding to a pp who said the ex should have to ASK Permission before buying the child a tablet, I was responding to that and you know it. It’s his tablet that he bought for the child so of course he will put himself as the main one.

ChoiceMummy · 02/06/2022 09:04

Applepea1 · 31/05/2022 16:25

Yes I actually do want full control! She's with me most of the time, he doesn't get involved in her day to day life. It just creeps me out that he can then observe everything she does, can access apps I've purchased, or just see apps I've purchased, and I have to agree to be the additional parent, taking into account his behaviour and history of abuse. I'm trying to protect my daughter but also understand she has a separate relationship with her dad. The split is quite fresh still and the idea of being in a family group with him isn't particularly nice. He constantly gaslighted me, so it's hard sometimes to know what's right and what isn't.
I'm just trying to gather opinions to decide whether to make a new account or suck it up.

@Applepea1
I do think that yabu. He was reasonable and appropriate to have set this up imo.
It's not your tablet. You're not the intended user.
If you want to control a tablet then buy her one tbh!
It sounds like you are taking it as more than him keeping his child safe.
He was reasonable and offered to add you to the app. If you don't want to be added, then don't be. But don't expect that you should be able to usurp his involvement regardless of you being the resident parent or not.
Certainly on my Los tablet, even if you added your own email etc, I'd still have ultimate management of the tablet.
Focus on moving on and not creating issues where there aren't any, as there will be enough that do crop up.

ChiselandBits · 02/06/2022 10:07

@PloppyMouth do piss off with the "bitter" - that's a horrible gaslighting word to make women who have been treated appallingly feel like their anger and trauma is misplaced and they should pretend it didn't happen. From what the OP describes, she has good reason to not want her ex to have a backseat view of her and her DDs life when she is with her most of the time. I have a similar issue with my ex- he sometimes mentions that "I saw DS was in his x box for 4 hours yesterday - why was that?" etc. Its intrusive and uncomfortable. I am not adding him as a parent controller for their phones for this reason. OP, as he bought this tablet, I suggest that, as others have said, if possible, you buy your own for DD and keep it all separate- its not great to have expensive items going back and forth anyway, -obvious flashpoints for issues if it gets broken etc

ChoiceMummy · 02/06/2022 21:16

ChiselandBits · 02/06/2022 10:07

@PloppyMouth do piss off with the "bitter" - that's a horrible gaslighting word to make women who have been treated appallingly feel like their anger and trauma is misplaced and they should pretend it didn't happen. From what the OP describes, she has good reason to not want her ex to have a backseat view of her and her DDs life when she is with her most of the time. I have a similar issue with my ex- he sometimes mentions that "I saw DS was in his x box for 4 hours yesterday - why was that?" etc. Its intrusive and uncomfortable. I am not adding him as a parent controller for their phones for this reason. OP, as he bought this tablet, I suggest that, as others have said, if possible, you buy your own for DD and keep it all separate- its not great to have expensive items going back and forth anyway, -obvious flashpoints for issues if it gets broken etc

Equally, why isn't it reasonable to question why his son is having such long periods of time on an xbox?

Yes, your time your rules etc. But that doesn't mean that the other parent cannot possibly discuss their child's routines and lifestyle with the other parent.

It's attitudes like these that lead to such inconsistency between the two households which is not healthy for the children.

ChiselandBits · 02/06/2022 22:12

@ChoiceMummy hes a teenager. 4 hours isn't really long when he's home from school by 3.30 and I'm not home til 6. The teenagers I teach spend more like 7 hours a day on one screen or another, it's pretty normal. And if my ex isn't happy he is welcome to do a bit more than 3 days a month parenting himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2022 22:18

She can have it at his. If you want her to have one at yours then buy one and you can be the boss of it.

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 02/06/2022 22:26

Don’t join as additional parent - don’t let him have any visibility of your online life. But get hold of your DDs login details, then change settings etc so that you have access and can’t be locked out - and you can then see what your DD is doing by looking at her account on her device. Simple.

saraclara · 02/06/2022 23:02

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2022 22:18

She can have it at his. If you want her to have one at yours then buy one and you can be the boss of it.

That.

Though I recognise that not everyone can afford one, and that he's put you in a position where you're having to say no to her bringing her new 'toy' home to you.

ChoiceMummy · 03/06/2022 07:07

saraclara · 02/06/2022 23:02

That.

Though I recognise that not everyone can afford one, and that he's put you in a position where you're having to say no to her bringing her new 'toy' home to you.

Show quote history

But this is solely due to the op feeling her right to monitor /be boss usuros his parental rights as the purchasing adult.

This isn't imo an ex issue. This is this parent's perception of an issue of their making.

Either coparent re the tablet or not. It really is for this issue, that simple. Be that with a new email address that's redirected to her main email, whatever, but this shouldn't be about her, it should be about keeping her child safe, which the father is trying to do in an inclusive and reasonable manner.

unicornsarereal72 · 03/06/2022 07:39

My dd father did this in lock down it was a joint present and he set it to 4 hours a day. I was working and they needed a lot more than 4 hours a day. It was about control. So that my life was made harder. The tablet broke and got sent back. Genuine fault and I set up the new one

If I were you I would send it to her dads and buy a separate one for home

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2022 07:47

Don't enter anything in it. Don't take it anywhere. Put a secondary email in if you want. That's isn't linked to anything you do.

Way too much knowledge for an abusive man you just split up with. Not a coincidence that it just appeared after your split.

Or factory reset.

coodawoodashooda · 03/06/2022 07:53

autumnboys · 31/05/2022 14:24

Let the tablet stay at his house, don’t add anything to the calendar. He can be the family manager of a blank calendar.

This

BritWifeInUSA · 03/06/2022 07:58

It’s done now. Leave it as it is. Don’t make your child be inconvenienced by your hatred of her father by changing the settings, buying a separate laptop, making her have one at this house and another at another house, etc.

RedWingBoots · 03/06/2022 08:02

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2022 07:47

Don't enter anything in it. Don't take it anywhere. Put a secondary email in if you want. That's isn't linked to anything you do.

Way too much knowledge for an abusive man you just split up with. Not a coincidence that it just appeared after your split.

Or factory reset.

Factory reset is stealing and will cause more issues.