To not want my ex as our daughters 'family manager' on Google?

[Applepea1]

My ex brought our daughter a new tablet and set up a Google account for her. It prompted him to set up Google family and he put his email in and sent me an invite as an additional parent. I do not want this, he has full control and observation over a child who he see's for a few hours each week. He emotionally abused me and this just feels wrong. The manager can't leave the group and I can't have any control on her account unless I join the account and become part of the family. He says he can't see what the problem is. I'm tempted just to open another account using my email. Am I being unreasonable?

Worst case scenario he's installed a listening device on it.
I'd leave it at his place tbh.

Yeah this doesn't sit right with me at all. If this is an abusive man, I wouldn't think that his intentions with this are pure. I'd work on the assumption that it's a measure of control and act accordingly. Therefore the tablet stays at his house and you buy another one for yours. He can't argue that with any legitimacy.

OP, could you set up a new Google account for yourself? One just for parenting stuff. You should be able to add the extra account to your devices, then give your ex that account's details and ask him to add that one to the Google Family. You can still access the Family Link app and have oversight on your DDs tablet use, but then you can use your main account for your usual activity, app buying etc.

I get the whole, abusive-ex-using-any-means-to-keep-some-level-of-control thing. I had similar problems with my ex messing about with tablets and accounts (on the devices I bloody well bought!) before I moved out. Having a seperate account for parenting helps keep boundaries in place, without affecting the children as much.

ChoiceMummy, your post reads very much like you have had no experience of emotionally abusive partners. I hope so, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't think the issue is solely about the OP wanting to be the boss, it's about not wanting her ex to get his claws in anywhere, and have a means to control the OP, through their child.

Is it really that big a deal? I'm failing to see the issue here. I bought the kids phones so I own the family account on there but you do bugger all with it, it just needed to be set up as part of the process, he's not unreasonable for doing that. I doubt anyone is monitoring anything and besides, it doesn't really tell you anything.

And as for putting a listening device on? Jesus people need to get out more.

The issue here is your past relationship with your ex.

She can't put in a burner email unless he let's her as you join by replying to the family managers email invitation. But I think you can unclick on the various sharing links. I had a look at adult dds and she is not sharing her app library with me but Dh is, we all share my YouTube premium.

YANBU it’s common sense that the parent who does the majority of the care, by a long way, supervises device/media use.

it’s odd he’s so insistent it’s him as the manager. Is this just a handy way to have control again. I’d get her a device for use at yours, and leave his for when she is with him (unless she’s an older child).

you don’t have to go along with anything just because he bought the device. Purchasing things doesn’t give you a right to control situations.

Can. You not set up a shared email to be the management email. That you can both access?

That is ridiculous. Being resident parent doesn't mean you get a say in NRP's purchasing decisions. Ideally it should have been discussed if moving between homes but if OP isn't happy with the set up then just either leave it at NRPs or in a bag when it comes to their house

My guess would be he wants control so if OP uses it he can either have a go at her for using it or see what she's up to. But if OP doesn't use it and DD is just using it for school work and playing games I don't see the issue.

OP doesn't need to have any involvement with the device at all. Problem solved!

Does this also mean that he approves all purchases on laptop? Hard no. (Unless he pays for them all…). I’d also be worried about location tracking if he’s been abusive. Leave it at his place.

I agree that those who say the op is overreacting and 'nuts' have no experience of attempting to coparent with someone who you have a difficult and possibly abusive relationship. Yes, it is about that, not tablet use per se, so what? The op has a right not to want her ex having that level of insight and input over something in her home and that involves a the dynamic with her daughter.

You should be able to monitor the tablet as the main caretaker. Children at a huge risk online. It's anything from cyberbullying, to accidentally coming across abusive porn (yes, I know the vast majority of porn is violent and abusive, but I put it for clarification), to being stalked, to being targeted by pedophiles, to gambling and gaming addictions.

It is good a child learns their way around in the digital world, but they absolutely need supervision. There are two things you can do and both have already been mentioned here.

It's her tablet right? You ex gave it to her? So I would personally just factory reset it or have it done at a repair shop and set it up so you can monitor it yourself with a new Google account for her.

Or you give the tablet back to you ex.

Personally I think the first is the best option, because otherwise she will use it at his house unmonitored. If he kicks up a fuss, just give the tablet back to him.

Furthermore, I think it would be wise to get another Google account for yourself as well and don't tell him about it. He can email you on the old account and you can use the new account for everything else.

If you want to be the one with full control, buy her a tablet to keep at your house. Surely that’s the best solution?

He sounds like a twat.
But some many of these posts would put Op in the controlling and abusive category herself.

Drop the tablet? Something that belongs to her child that was bought by the other parent? Reset something she has no involvement with? He can’t buy the child something with Ops agreement?

Op so what if he can see apps you have put in your dds tablet, for your dd?

Sounds more like you were planning on using and realised that now he will be able to see what he is doing.

Can't see the issue myself, he's being responsible and fair in inviting you. Not everything needs to be a fight

Wrong in your assumptions.

But simply let her DD keep the device with her at her dads. Get her own at OPs house. My kids and my SC have different iPads, laptops etc at different houses - mainly because it's too difficult to swap them around as changeover is at school. It's not uncommon.

You see I see it as him trying to include you op so you can see what they are doing, he could have refused to add you.

I cannot understand why people want to fight over everything. I'm split from my h but the kids came first, followed by the dog - I could have got super bitter but all that would have hurt was me

You are very very wrong. I am 5 years oost split with the kids dad. Who followed me, linked all my devices so he could track me.

caused all sorts of issues with the kids. Convinced my older dd I left him for someone else. Would park outside my work to prove I was seeing someone else. Was once caught talking photos of me in the supermarket.

It’s a lazy argument that says ‘if you don’t agree with the way I think, then you can’t have been through similar’

One of my children is now and adult. One is a pre teen. I have navigated all this stuff and disagree with you and the op.

I don't allow.my ex any control over network functions or.email for.my children or access to anything. I have an email with which I communicate with him separately to my real email. Because he was controlling and manipulative and logged in to my accounts etc.

I'm sure he has gone out of his way to access emails etc since we were together too. Controlling types should be constantly treated with extra layers of security and wariness. Never give that control up.

Were you aware that with gmail he can now see all search history, locations visited, all other passwords/subscriptions and other account info etc..

This is why he's set it up like that. Not many people know. Don't use it if its signed in. It records everything unless you change the settings.

Many cheating spouses have been caught out with gmail.

This.

Some of you really can't see the issue here and tbh I'm glad, I'm glad because it means you haven't had to live the life some of us have to come to this conclusion.
If he's been abusive/coercive or controlling, has his child only a few hours a week...what objectively does that say? He's bought this tablet (lovely great nice gift) and wants to be the one in control of it and tried to add mum to it. That's another element of extended control.
For example my ex bought the kids a tablet. He bought it had it delivered to my address and had zero issue at all with me running the account, he bought a gift for the kids to enjoy and saw no need to be observing it's use as he isn't the primary parent.
What if the child comes across something they shouldn't? Right then and there mum could deal with it, instantly have a chat set up extra security etc etc, whats he gonna do? If he even notices? Google family can track your location record your usage, has access to sound clips that most google devices record, he'd be able to see and use apps and content his ex has paid for?
My suggestion is to buy a new tablet and let that one stay at dads, let her take when she goes and tell her to leave it there. If he has anything to say about it, in a message or email explain you aren't comfortable being part of a family group and you will have a tablet for her at home and he can have the other one then ignore.
It is his gift, he does have the right to be the manager of that, he however doesn't have the right to have access to something within your home that goes beyond merely running a Google account. There are clear reasons why you are no longer together and If you feel unhappy or unsafe about anything within your house you have the right to deal with that