Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Aibu to confront an old school bully?

90 replies

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 11:57

Back in secondary school I had a very close friendship group. I went to an all girl school and it started off as just me and Sussy being best friends. Then Jane joined our group and finally another girl joined who came down from Japan mid Yr. I became good friends with her and eventually brought her into this friendship group, let's call her Vic. So me and Vic got very close and I suspect Susy, my original friend got jealous. She got very close with Jane and Vic eventually left the country at the end of the year.

The remaining school years then consisted of Susy and Jane sticking together, pairing up for everything and consistently pushing me out. It was a weird sort of passive aggressive silent hatred towards me as they never outwardly treated me differently but would always go out together and never invite me or talk about things and leave me out but we still all stuck close together in school.

If didn't stop there. Although Vic left the country I remained in touch with her and realised she started to become off with me. When I asked her why she said it was because I was talking bad about Susy and Jane to her (I was expressing how I felt pushed aside) and that they had said I was talking bad about Vic to them which couldn't of been further from the truth. At the time Vic felt like my true and only friend but unfortunately I lost her as she said she felt she had to chose and she chose Susy and jane.

So here is the thing, I left that school and that was that. However Jane has stayed in touch with a lot of people from our school and I stayed in touch with the same people (mutual friends). I'm now 24 and they have all asked to meet up. Originally I said yes and was delighted but now I've started thinking about the past and how things played it, how miserable and alone I was made to feel. I ended up making a different best friend after a while which really got to them both but I will never forget the feeling of how unfair it all was.

Since Jane will presumably be there do I finally confront her? I know it was in the past but I never had the courage to stand up for myself back then and I feel like I owe it to myself to find out exactly why things happened like that. Its not that I want an apology as I feel too much time has passed for that but an explanation would be nice? Or do I let it go and accept the fact that it's been so many years these things happen and she could potentionally be a different person now. I don't know how I will feel when I see her. I honestly thought when I left I would never have to see Jane or Susy again and they was part of the reason why I left my secondary school when so many people stayed on in sixth form.

Yabu - do not confront her
Yanbu - confront her

OP posts:

Mabelface · 31/05/2022 12:02

I'd just leave them in the past as people you used to know and not meet up. You could be setting yourself up for more pain.

Aprilx · 31/05/2022 12:04

Leave it alone, don’t go to the meet up if you don’t want to see them. There is nothing here that sounds remotely like bullying to me, merely friendships that slipped and changed.

Skinnermarink · 31/05/2022 12:06

How was she a bully, have I missed something? Girl friendships unfortunately can chop and change all the time at that age, but I can’t see where was systematically victimising you.

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:07

Thing is I have started to consider not going the more thought I've given the situation but it was only Jane and Susy that made me feel like this and there will be a number of people there that I used to know. However part of the reason why I fell off with these girls was because although I considered them close friends I always felt like an outsider and never as good of a friend to them as they were to each other.

I don't have many friends, my life is quite small right now as I'm a newly first time sahm and was looking forward to just revisiting this part of my life and seeing them after so long, I feel like it would be a shame not to go. Even if it was just to keep it casual and then not see/talk to them again. I wasn't expecting to keep friendships out of this if it so happened to be that way then great, if not that's okay too.

Now I don't know if it's even worth the effort

Oh dear....

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:08

They lied to my only friend to make sure she didn't stay friends with me... I'd call that abit more than just girls being girls

OP posts:

Pinkishpurple · 31/05/2022 12:08

Nope she was really young and what you have described is very common childhood behaviour. I probably wouldn't bother to see them though.

Skinnermarink · 31/05/2022 12:10

Well you don’t need their friendship nor presumably want it anymore so if you want to go, go, be bright and breezy, not stuck in the past, you’re all adults now, life has moved on.

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:10

@Aprilx Also they did things to deliberately leave me out. One prime example was that they kept pairing up for things so when I brought it to their attention they both promised the next paired assignment I could be with one of them. It came around and they both joined up behind my back and smirked at me about it. I remember being in the middle of class and beginning to cry, but then my (soon to be new best fiend) at the time came up to me and asked if i wanted to pair with her. She saved me out of that humiliation

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 31/05/2022 12:10

They did not bully you though. It sounds like the friendship moved on. You are not going to be lifelong friends with everyone even if they once were your best friends.
Go or not go to the event that is your choice but do not confront her.

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:11

@Pinkishpurple i don't see how vindictively lying to make sure someone remains out casted is normal behaviour.. We weren't that young this was from. Yr 10 upwards...

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:12

Is anyone actually reading my posts

OP posts:

Skinnermarink · 31/05/2022 12:12

Yes.

maddy68 · 31/05/2022 12:13

I don't think they were bullying you. They just preferred each others company. You are reading way too much into this.

They are old school friends. Either meet yo and be friendly or don't go. This is on you not them

Motnight · 31/05/2022 12:13

Op I think that you need to let this go. It wasn't nice for you at the time, but it is over.

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:13

@purplecorkheart I didn't expect to remain best friends with them forever but they purposefully jeopardised my only friendship to make sure I stayed alone. They didn't want me to have any friends they just wanted to see me miserable

OP posts:

CreamyBruley · 31/05/2022 12:14

But you weren't bullied. Literally not a single thing in your posts indicates that you were.

Divebar2021 · 31/05/2022 12:14

Why are you using language like “confront”? It seems a bit full on for the situation although I appreciate you’re only 24 so probably not that long along. I think it’s fair enough if you want to express your hurt about a situation but you need to in a position where you can sit down and have a conversation in a non hostile, non dramatic way. If you feel like you can’t do that I’d give it a swerve and concentrate on the future.

Skinnermarink · 31/05/2022 12:14

I think you’re lonely now, lacking friendships and fixating on this now because of that.

pigwood · 31/05/2022 12:15

I don't think you will gain anything. She won't have changed. If it was me I would just not go and stay well clear of her

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:15

I don't appreciate everyone undermining and invalidating my feelings here. This was more and went way beyond just a simple friendship dying out. They did things to make me upset and made sure I remained left out. They went out of their way to do this. That was vindictive on their behalf. I have moved past it but I don't know if finally facing one of these girls means I should stand up for the 15 year old me and get my deserved reason or just smile sweetly and be friendly towards her even though she doesn't really deserve it.

OP posts:

WatsonsToeTag · 31/05/2022 12:16

In all honesty, you are not going to get what you want from any sort of confrontation. There will be no grand explanation. No apology. The most you're going to get are blank looks. It will leave feeling you no better (and possible worse) than you do now.

The best 'revenge' is a life lived well. So do that and don't live in your past.

Motnight · 31/05/2022 12:17

Op how are you feeling in general?

CreamyBruley · 31/05/2022 12:17

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:15

You were slagging them off to your other friend though? It's quite clearly just teenage squabbling.

Don't "confront" anyone, you will make yourself look really silly.

Original poster

Lifegavemelemonade · 31/05/2022 12:17

@Divebar2021 I don't literally mean doing this dramatic stand off although I appreciated it may read that way. I hate confrontation (hence why I never stood up for myself) and wouldn't want to ruin the night out. I would do it in a more casual manner than that

OP posts:

Jalepenojello · 31/05/2022 12:17

That doesn’t sound like bullying? You essentially neglected one friendship to focus on another. In doing so you pushed susy away who then became really close friends with the remaining girl in your group. Makes sense. However once your close friend left it sounds like you wanted to become a happy threesome despite it seeming like they hadn’t been a priority for you for quite sometime. I am not surprised they were distant with you.

Flip

1 2 3 4