Aibu to confront an old school bully?

[Lifegavemelemonade]

Back in secondary school I had a very close friendship group. I went to an all girl school and it started off as just me and Sussy being best friends. Then Jane joined our group and finally another girl joined who came down from Japan mid Yr. I became good friends with her and eventually brought her into this friendship group, let's call her Vic. So me and Vic got very close and I suspect Susy, my original friend got jealous. She got very close with Jane and Vic eventually left the country at the end of the year.

The remaining school years then consisted of Susy and Jane sticking together, pairing up for everything and consistently pushing me out. It was a weird sort of passive aggressive silent hatred towards me as they never outwardly treated me differently but would always go out together and never invite me or talk about things and leave me out but we still all stuck close together in school.

If didn't stop there. Although Vic left the country I remained in touch with her and realised she started to become off with me. When I asked her why she said it was because I was talking bad about Susy and Jane to her (I was expressing how I felt pushed aside) and that they had said I was talking bad about Vic to them which couldn't of been further from the truth. At the time Vic felt like my true and only friend but unfortunately I lost her as she said she felt she had to chose and she chose Susy and jane.

So here is the thing, I left that school and that was that. However Jane has stayed in touch with a lot of people from our school and I stayed in touch with the same people (mutual friends). I'm now 24 and they have all asked to meet up. Originally I said yes and was delighted but now I've started thinking about the past and how things played it, how miserable and alone I was made to feel. I ended up making a different best friend after a while which really got to them both but I will never forget the feeling of how unfair it all was.

Since Jane will presumably be there do I finally confront her? I know it was in the past but I never had the courage to stand up for myself back then and I feel like I owe it to myself to find out exactly why things happened like that. Its not that I want an apology as I feel too much time has passed for that but an explanation would be nice? Or do I let it go and accept the fact that it's been so many years these things happen and she could potentionally be a different person now. I don't know how I will feel when I see her. I honestly thought when I left I would never have to see Jane or Susy again and they was part of the reason why I left my secondary school when so many people stayed on in sixth form.

Yabu - do not confront her
Yanbu - confront her

It wasn't bullying. You undermine the horror of actual bullying by saying this. I definitely wouldn't confront anyone. I don't think you would gain anything from it.

Why bother
Its in the past

It sounds like they were horrible to you OP, doesn’t really matter that it’s ‘normal bitchy teenage behaviour’ it’s still crap. Friendship groups drifting apart is one thing but this sounds more than that from what you’ve said.

They may have turned into lovely adults who feel a bit bad about it, they may barely remember it, they may not be very nice people, who knows. I wouldn’t be going along to the reunion hoping for an explanation- there’s unlikely to be one, other than simply some people like the power trip of leaving other people out.

Go if you want to reconnect with other people. I’d just be prepared to remain civil with Jane and Susy, friendly enough like you might be to a stranger, but disengage from talking to them as soon as you can. If a big part of you going is hoping some kind of explanation/apology will be forthcoming- I’d stay at home.

They don’t sound like they were good friends to you. It’s good that you made a new friend and moved on. Friendships fade and girls can be bitches when that happens.

they clearly upset you at the time, but as far as real bullying goes this is quite minor. I don’t want to minimise your experience. It was clearly not very nice for you at the time. But I do think the way it’s still affecting you is out of proportion, you need to just let it go.

go to the reunion if you want, don’t go if you don’t want. But I wouldn’t confront these girls. Yes they weren’t nice. But teenage girls can be like that. I’m sure they’ve grown into perfectly nice human beings now and if they haven’t you never have to see them again.

but it’s not as if they were ambushing you every day after school to beat the crap out of you or constantly humiliating you on a daily basis in front of the whole class as some bullies do. They were just bitchy girls. Let it go.

You'll gain nothing from it.
"You left me out in high school", will if anything, make you look really silly. They were entitled to pair up. You got close to the other girl, it's not their fault she moved away and you then wanted to back in your old group. They moved on. It's not bullying. You were speaking to your other friend about these two purposely leaving you out, true or not is talking about them behind their back, in a negative manner.

It's all bitchy teenage girl rubbish.
I really think If it's still bothering you so much, it would be beneficial to speak to someone - but not Jane.

And if they laugh?
Or come back with some things you did?

Don't put yourself in the firing line. It won't end well.

Either stay away or just get over it.

But if there were three of you there was always going to be one left out in a pairing off situation?
You don't seem to grasp that they were probably just better friends with each other than either were with you.
It's not bullying in any sense.

OP, I think i get it. The things which happened were probably 'under the radar' to outsiders - a common girl-bullying technique, with the annoying problem that others just don't see it and will minimise it. But yes, I would say anything which involves emotional manipulation and the positive enjoyment of someone else's misery or isolation is actually bullying.

My advice would be: think hard about whether you want to go to this event and if you think it might make things worse, don't do it. If you do go, breeze in with a smile and if you are put in the position of having to greet these women first, then just smile, say 'Hi, how are you?' and move on fast. Focus on other people and be too busy to worry about them. If they approach you, stay reserved but smile politely - there's no need to be warm and enthusiastic! Keep your encounter brief.

I wouldn't suggest any kind of confrontation - you will end up being the one in the wrong. Show them you've moved on, even if you haven't. As a PP said, the best revenge is living well. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Really, most folk has some sort of dramas at secondary school, have put it past them and grown up since, so they don't take that kind of pointless angst into their adult lives. School is all about the pecking order - and it's a very artificial situation. Just put it behind you and forget about. It's so insignificant in the grand scheme of things

Move on from it.

You perhaps focussed too much on your friendship with Vic, Susy and Jane therefore paired off and became closer. Then you wanted to rejoin because Vic had gone, but threes are very often awkward, and they were quite happy continuing as a twosome. You kept moaning about them to Vic, which was awkward for her. It's not clear what they told Vic you said, so maybe there was something unfair they did there, but it may be that Vic wanted to distance herself because of you moaning about them as much as anything. Having moved so far away, she was probably forming new friendships there and so wasn't as invested in her friendship with you.

I can guarantee you won't get the reaction you want from "confronting" them. They will either be confused, brush you off , completely deny anything happened and think you are a bit bonkers or have a different recollection of how things happened. It's unlikely anything that happened has stuck in their brains as much as it has in yours.
Just go and enjoy yourself with other people. Or don't go (nothing could drag me to a school reunion and I actually had a good time at school). Life is too short to get stuck on shit like that, it was petty typical teenage nonsense that's happened since the time schools opened.

So you were best friends with Sussy. Jane joined the group. Vic came along and you became best friends with Vic whilst Sussy and Jane became best friends. Vic left, so you joined Sussy and Jane. Sussy and Jane were best friends and you were on the outside. You bitched to Vic about the situation and Vic got pissed off with you. I understand you feel hurt but everything sounds very tit for tat, and is no way bullying. At the time it would have been a huge deal but you were 15 / 16. You are 24 now, and have to realise how childish this all looks. Just go along, enjoy your night and reestablish old friendships.

Even if it was bullying, I’m not sure how confrontation will help you. I highly doubt you’ll get anything in terms of acknowledgment or apology tbh, they’re more likely to tell you to fuck off again. How would that make you feel?

It's good that you made a new friend after a while. Maybe Vic spoke to Sussy and Jane after she'd moved and told them what you'd been saying about them and Sussy and Jane decided to get revenge by lying that you'd been criticising Vic when you hadn't?

I also suspect they’ll recall events differently. It’s quite possible that Susy sees it that you dumped her for Vic, but suddenly you wanted back in and demanded to be accommodated because Vic left. The fact that Vic eventually said ‘enough’ and pulled away from you is quite telling imo.

I think probably best not to go. Tell them you actually still feel affected by the way they treated you back then and whilst you understand they were just children, its had long term effects.

Alienating somebody IS bullying. Its such a huge issue amongst teenage girls

This is good advice. If you feel you must go then I would do this.

Suzy and Jane appeared to move closer together after you became close with Vic. Vic left but now the group dynamic is different. Doesn't excuse anything untrue or negative they told Vic, but also Vic considered what you said about Suzy and Jane to be negative and that possibly influenced her decision to side with them.

I think that makes sense! 😅

I wouldn't go if I were you, there's no casual way to confront them about their meanness and you aren't going to get the grovelling apology I think you're expecting.

Best to move on. Even if you had remained friends through school you may not still be friends now anyway? Their perception of how things turned out might be very different from yours. They are unlikely to apologise to you and you'd end up feeling even more hurt than you already do. Guard your heart and go to the meet up with no expectations whatsoever. If they make a beeline to you, you can choose to start over. If not, let them go.

Girls schools are brutal. There are always the ones who enjoy isolating and humiliating others. They generally grow up to be emotionally dysfunctional adults whose inner ugliness starts to show as they get older. Feel proud that you moved on and made the best of your life. If you go be polite but don't engage too much. If they know you are still hurt they will enjoy it and maybe even try to use that against you.

I mean it doesn’t sound like bullying and you hardly come out of it glowing..you ditched your long standing friend for a new girl, and then bitched about them when the inevitable twos company threes a crowd happened.

If you’re so fixated on it I would swerve the party incase you have a few too many vinos and make a scene, won’t end well.

What is to confront
Friendships wane
Yours did
They moved on
Do the same

I understand that feeling of wanting to have your day but in reality what has hurt you deeply probably hasn’t even registered with them. They’ll have an entirely different version of events that will be completely different to your own. If you bring it up one of two things happen. They laugh at you holding on to this hurt for so long at what is in essence a normal teenage girl behaviour, which makes you feel bad or they have no recollection of the events you’re describing making you doubt yourself. Either way it ends bad for you and not them.

The best thing you can do is hold your head high and enjoy the superficial catch up with mutual friends. Brush aside what happened all those years ago and be pleasant (and no more) with your ex friends. You will never get back what you had when it was good and if you try you’ll end up hurt again.

Kids are wee shits. They do daft things and say horrible things but it’s all a learning curve. You moaned about them so they may feel you bullied and bitched about them to your mutual friend - your story will not be her story.

In this situation, it sounds as though Susy had moved on and found another friendship. Instead of walking away, you tried to get back in the group and complained to Vic because it didn’t work. They also complained to Vic by the sound of it. She felt torn and eventually dropped you.

I’m imagining these 2 girls wanted to just be the two of them, as is their right, but they didn’t have the skills to do that gracefully or even just tell you to go away. So they pretended they’d do x or y to placate you but didn’t follow through. The faces could have been their anxiety and embarrassment rather than bullying.

Year 10 girls do not have all the skills you think they should have had. It doesn’t appear you did either. They were making it as obvious as they could they didn’t want to hang around with you anymore yet you persisted. Imo you acted equally immaturely as them because you didn’t have the grace to back away.

The things they said to Vic were probably true in their opinions. They likely saw you as an annoyance, who was upsetting and embarrassing them. If you confront them, you will quite possibly get the story I’m putting forward. This is all teen stuff Imo despite it being hurtful. My dd is at the end of year 9. The girls are so fragile emotionally.

The best thing you can do is just say hi and if anything is said, just breeze through this and put it in the past as teen angst.

I wouldn’t go. Problem solved.