Aibu to confront an old school bully?

[Lifegavemelemonade]

Back in secondary school I had a very close friendship group. I went to an all girl school and it started off as just me and Sussy being best friends. Then Jane joined our group and finally another girl joined who came down from Japan mid Yr. I became good friends with her and eventually brought her into this friendship group, let's call her Vic. So me and Vic got very close and I suspect Susy, my original friend got jealous. She got very close with Jane and Vic eventually left the country at the end of the year.

The remaining school years then consisted of Susy and Jane sticking together, pairing up for everything and consistently pushing me out. It was a weird sort of passive aggressive silent hatred towards me as they never outwardly treated me differently but would always go out together and never invite me or talk about things and leave me out but we still all stuck close together in school.

If didn't stop there. Although Vic left the country I remained in touch with her and realised she started to become off with me. When I asked her why she said it was because I was talking bad about Susy and Jane to her (I was expressing how I felt pushed aside) and that they had said I was talking bad about Vic to them which couldn't of been further from the truth. At the time Vic felt like my true and only friend but unfortunately I lost her as she said she felt she had to chose and she chose Susy and jane.

So here is the thing, I left that school and that was that. However Jane has stayed in touch with a lot of people from our school and I stayed in touch with the same people (mutual friends). I'm now 24 and they have all asked to meet up. Originally I said yes and was delighted but now I've started thinking about the past and how things played it, how miserable and alone I was made to feel. I ended up making a different best friend after a while which really got to them both but I will never forget the feeling of how unfair it all was.

Since Jane will presumably be there do I finally confront her? I know it was in the past but I never had the courage to stand up for myself back then and I feel like I owe it to myself to find out exactly why things happened like that. Its not that I want an apology as I feel too much time has passed for that but an explanation would be nice? Or do I let it go and accept the fact that it's been so many years these things happen and she could potentionally be a different person now. I don't know how I will feel when I see her. I honestly thought when I left I would never have to see Jane or Susy again and they was part of the reason why I left my secondary school when so many people stayed on in sixth form.

Yabu - do not confront her
Yanbu - confront her

I think they did treat you unkindly.

I would go and see how you find it. You may go and find out they have no recollection of what happened. I have found with some bullies they have selective memories.

Don't go. I understand that you were hurt then but it was a long time ago. You were all kids, life had moved on. You shouldn't be this stuck in the past. The others probably don't even remember. If you confront you're going to look mad.

I say you should go to this reunion but don’t get into past recriminations. I got angry about something and regretted it. Go along positively and treat it as a marker. Be interested in how others have done since you last saw them. It’s many years since I left and it’s fascinating to see how people have changed. Teenage girl groups can be divisive, nasty game players. From what you described you became close to Vic and it left the other two to bond who then semi shut you out. But it’s passed and you’re no longer in that position.

@Prinnny i don't know where you all got this interpretation from.
It was me and susy
Then Jane came along
There was 3 for us for a long time. Then in Yr 10 Vic came along. She left by Yr 11.

Vic had a hard time making friends so I introduced her to my friendship group and they all got along with her. When Vic entered the group it wasn't me with her and susy with Jane. Jane and Vic actually became particularly close.

Then Vic left and Jane latched onto Susy and the two of them left me out. But as a pps said it wasnt obvious things they done. They saved face and made it look from the outside that we was all super close but met up all the time without me outside of school. There was no excuse for that. They enjoyed talking about it in front of me so I couldn't get involved in conversations. They had inside jokes ect. Eventually I had enough of the false promises of "oh next time we will include you" I was being mislead and made to look foolish. I then went off to make another friend and they became background noise to me. It still doesn't take away from the fact that they deliberately did things to exclude me and that they also took pleasure in it.

You may all undermine it as "girls will be bitchy" but to be honest I think that is bad as saying "men will be men". I never had bad intentions bringing Vic into the group I just wanted to her to have friends. The other girls did have bad intentions when they was with me. I would never even think to treat someone the way they did to me. So yes I think it was cruel and maybe not extreme bulling but it was nasty and mean and subtle to an outsider but crushing for me.

Are you sure you’re not still 15?

OP I think they treated you very badly and it obviously still bothers you. You say they became background noise to you but I'm not sure that's as true as you think it is.
Realistically what would you like to happen if you do confront them?

I would go to the meet up, it will be nice to see the rest of the group, don't be drawn into any replays of school days with them dangling inclusion at you.

YABU

time for you to grow up

if you were upset by things ten yars ago and didn't let them go, now is the time. Meet up if you want to, but don't bring juvenile playground squabbles in to it.

I think your last update explains it better. I’m sorry they hurt you but it is sadly the way a group of school children act.
Go if you think you can get past it but I wouldn’t say anything

I’m not sure what rehashing it over and over is going to achieve. They clearly didn’t offer you the friendship you wanted from them, and they probably felt you were trying to force it after your friend left.

As painful as it may be, they didn’t have to include you in everything they did, they’d moved on and formed their own close friendship whilst you were with Vic. I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to have expected to pick them back up again after Vic left. It does look like you were only bothered with them when your first choice fell through, and they’d have seen that too. I really do imagine their perceptions are very different to yours.

in regards to the reunion you’ll do what you want, but confronting them is almost guaranteed to not have the outcome you anticipate. They’ll likely back each other up and you’ll end up looking petty and attention seeking, as well as a troublemaker at what is meant to be a fun event. Not just to them either, but to the organizers and anyone else that witnesses or hears of it.

You said you thought you'd never have to see them again, and you don't have to still. It doesn't sound like you're over it and it might cause more upset to you to try to gain answers from them.

If you really want to see your other friends you could go along and stay with those friends, smile and say hello to Suzy and Jane (if necessary), and keep a distance.

This is different from your op as I understood you and Vic were close rather than Vic with anyone else. Of course she backed off if she was close with the others.

Anyway I had something similar happen to me. Expect I didn’t go chasing my friend. Yes, it was very hurtful and yes, I ended up having very few friends. I always hung out with this girl, some of the time in up to a group of about 6 in pairs and we were all relatively close. Then in yr10 a girl joined and my friend and she hit it off big time. My friend dropped me like a stone. After that, I wasn’t really in the crowd of 6 and I didn’t push it as I had seen how brutal these 4 girls could be… and not being in a pair I didn’t really fit so I started to distance myself from them too.

Anyway I never fought this new friendship as I saw they’d hit it off and were more suited than this girl and me. After the initial confusion and hurt, I backed away and started hanging in a different part of the playground with different kids. I struck up a convo with a girl and just started hanging out down there. We were never particularly close either. Never found my tribe. But I did find someone to hang out with. Then I also found friends with others when I went on a school trip so it worked out ok in the end.

I am pretty certain if I had reacted how you did, these 2 girls would have done the same to me. They did not want me around. It was clear. I explained why upthread. This is just how girls act when they decide they do not want to hang up out with someone.

For reference, I have a dd, who is in yr9. This is how girls of about this age operate. Full of teenage angst and misunderstandings, not knowing how to act and react. I am guiding my dd a lot. I think more parents are guiding their teens these days than in the past. If something like this happened to my dd, she would know how to act because we’ve talked about it. She certainly tells me about her fallings out with her friends and a lot about her time at school, the other children etc. I discussed absolutely nothing with my mother.

Honestly, I can't believe how some MN'ers can be so thick!

Of course that was bullying. End of story.

I hope you are OK, OP. Please ignore the 90% of the loonies who voted YABU. You can tell they are not the most intelligent of people.

FWIW I regard this as bullying on their part. But agree with other posters that if you go you shouldn't dig it up with Jane or whoever. Just keep it light and enjoy the occasion? And take care of yourself whatever you decide 💐 🌹 🌸