To sometimes feel like just winding her up now

DeeplyMovingExperience · 31/05/2022 10:05

Look up "Grey Rock Technique" and use it whenever you have to interact with her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2022 10:05

she’s coming over again this summer to meet Dd

Why would you even invite her? She sounds like a disgusting, rude, slob.

threw her stuff everywhere, never once cooked or washed up

F that.

Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:07

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Didn’t invite her, she’s not staying with us, but staying nearby

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Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:08

@DeeplyMovingExperience Thing is, I don’t want to look like the trouble maker to dh, I never said she bitched about me etc to him, just kept it to myself

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2022 10:11

Didn’t invite her

So tell her she's not welcome. Or put up with it. Your choice.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 31/05/2022 10:13

I wouldn't have her anywhere near my house personally, but if you feel you must then feel free to be rude to her 😃

Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:13

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy She wants to meet Dd, I can’t really say that

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Jedsnewstar · 31/05/2022 10:13

When she leaves crap around, pick it up smile and say “Oh I need to pick this up I don’t leave my house like a pigsty, I just couldn’t live like that’

When the bill comes instantly say I’ll just work out what we all owe. If it’s one where you pay/buy first DON’T get hers.

If she makes comments behind your back say ‘what what that you were saying….’

MistyGreenAndBlue · 31/05/2022 10:15

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:08

@DeeplyMovingExperience Thing is, I don’t want to look like the trouble maker to dh, I never said she bitched about me etc to him, just kept it to myself

Why? He'd have got the full run down from me. But I've always been bolshy. He must know what she's like anyway. Doubt he'd blame you. And if he did, he could get stuffed too quite frankly.

Don't take this crap in your own house. She's not welcome. Make it clear.

Vsirbdo · 31/05/2022 10:16

In these situations with a difficult family member I’ve said a few times “did you mean to be so rude with what you just said” when they say something totally out of order. It calls them out on it without looking rude yourself and in my experience embarrasses them in front of other people enough to leave them struggling for how to respond

MistyGreenAndBlue · 31/05/2022 10:18

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:13

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy She wants to meet Dd, I can’t really say that

Of course you can. Who cares what SHE wants? If she can't behave, she gets nothing.

BackToTheTop · 31/05/2022 10:21

Have some choice sentences ready.

When the bill arrives say 'let's split this then, and just go and pay half'. If she pushes back tell her 'you pay this time, and we'll get the next one'

As for when she's rude, ask her to repeat herself. 'Pardon, did you say I should get bigger shorts' or the mn classic 'well that's a bit rude'

I wouldn't bother with any passive aggressive responses, just call out her behaviour

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2022 10:26

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:13

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy She wants to meet Dd, I can’t really say that

Where’s this backbone then?

Shes mean, nasty, lazy and takes advantage of you.

I’d have told her that it wasn’t a priority and that after her last visit you’re not keen to repeat it.

Much rather that than a week if sheer bollocks.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 31/05/2022 10:28

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:07

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Didn’t invite her, she’s not staying with us, but staying nearby

Such a shame you've got fixed plans for every day the toxic bitch is there, isn't it?

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 31/05/2022 10:29

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:13

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy She wants to meet Dd, I can’t really say that

So your first post was complete bollocks then?

Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:31

She has to meet her, we’ll have to see her a couple of times, no getting away from that, just how to act with her? Will 100% not be putting up with any bitching about me

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Onemoresleeptogonow · 31/05/2022 10:31

Meet her in a restaurant
Get there first and tell the waiter you will be wanting separate bills...

Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 10:40

@Jedsnewstar Am definitely going to say something if she bitches, she obviously assumes I haven’t heard all these things, it used to really upset me, now I just feel pissed off at how awful that is! Especially after letting her stay in the house for a week and catering to her

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RiverSkater · 31/05/2022 10:49

Maybe have fun with the new assertive you?

Grey rock, then withering put downs whilst smiling. Give as good as you get.
Cold hard 'do not be rude to me'.

Or your just tell your DH you won't tolerate her in your life. His does he deal with her? He shouldn't tolerate her rudeness either.

Piemam · 31/05/2022 10:53

Your daughter is your perfect excuse here: "Oh we don't treat things like that, she has to learn, I'm sure you understand" or "we try to model kind language around her, I'm sure you understand" just things that will get her back up while you're not doing anything out of the ordinary. This will really irk someone who has to go full drama, as they're looking for that back. Death by a thousand paper cuts and all that.

Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 11:12

@Piemam Perfect

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Original poster

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 11:13

@RiverSkater I can’t actually believe I put up with the bitching before, I didn’t expect it so just kind of froze. Who does that when they go to stay at someone else’s house!

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Loocheeyar · 31/05/2022 11:16

“What do you mean by that ?” Disarms most rude people who are used to getting their own way or making rude comments and shocking people into silence
they soon backtrack
dont let her get away with it .
lots of cold quiet staring at her responses also .
and “no” with no excuses given or reasons . Just no I’m not doing that Or no that doesn’t work for me / us

non negotiable . And be busy . And call her out when she’s trying to get freebies . Fuk that .
do you normall not pay for your own food ? Pay your way ?

StEval · 31/05/2022 11:16

Whatsinhisspottybag · 31/05/2022 09:59

Sil.

Strong, dominant trouble causer.
I've been with Dh since we were young and always felt intimidated by her, she’s a v strong character and one you wouldn’t want to cross. I’ve always been polite and tried to get on with her, mainly being able to avoid her (we live a distance away)
She came to stay with us a few years back, treated our house like crap, threw her stuff everywhere, never once cooked or washed up (her Dh did occasionally) never paid for anything, my Dh paid for every lunch. I heard her bitching behind me as we were walking along, laughing that I should get shorts that fit (I’m size 14/16) and bought denim shorts a bit bigger as didn’t want tight ones)
She also made up a song with her daughter (then aged around 7) about moody moody mood (implied to me after I sat quietly after another horrendous lunch where she was vile and expected it all paid for again)
She falls out with everyone in the family, even her own mum etc.
I’m normally able to stay out of it and have minimal contact, but she’s coming over again this summer to meet Dd. The thing is, having Dd made me different, I got backbone from somewhere in regards to her and will not be taking her crap anymore and she certainly won’t be bringing her toxicity around Dd
I feel in control now, I realise she still doesn’t like me, but that’s not my problem.
I actually feel like giving her crap back this time or doing…something, which is so unlike me, I don’t have any enemies!
How would you deal with someone like this?

Not by playing her game thats for sure.
Themoment you enter into any type of toxic behaviour like winding her up , shes got you enmeshed.
You dont have to meet with her or let her meet your DD.
Drop the rope and walk away from this.

ElenaSt · 31/05/2022 11:17

If you're new to sticking up for yourself she's gonna run rings around you and make you look like the bad guy.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what went on before and say you never said anything at the time because she didn't think you would be encountering her again for a long while.

However now the situation has arisen again you want his full support.