To sometimes feel like just winding her up now

[Whatsinhisspottybag]

Sil.

Strong, dominant trouble causer.
I've been with Dh since we were young and always felt intimidated by her, she’s a v strong character and one you wouldn’t want to cross. I’ve always been polite and tried to get on with her, mainly being able to avoid her (we live a distance away)
She came to stay with us a few years back, treated our house like crap, threw her stuff everywhere, never once cooked or washed up (her Dh did occasionally) never paid for anything, my Dh paid for every lunch. I heard her bitching behind me as we were walking along, laughing that I should get shorts that fit (I’m size 14/16) and bought denim shorts a bit bigger as didn’t want tight ones)
She also made up a song with her daughter (then aged around 7) about moody moody mood (implied to me after I sat quietly after another horrendous lunch where she was vile and expected it all paid for again)
She falls out with everyone in the family, even her own mum etc.
I’m normally able to stay out of it and have minimal contact, but she’s coming over again this summer to meet Dd. The thing is, having Dd made me different, I got backbone from somewhere in regards to her and will not be taking her crap anymore and she certainly won’t be bringing her toxicity around Dd
I feel in control now, I realise she still doesn’t like me, but that’s not my problem.
I actually feel like giving her crap back this time or doing…something, which is so unlike me, I don’t have any enemies!
How would you deal with someone like this?

Some v useful advice on here OP

Before you all go out to dinner together I'd say to her....or get your DP to say it.... since DD came along things have changed financially for us so we will pay for just our own drinks and food. That way she can't complain that you've taken her by surprise.

Do not offer to take it turn about on paying. Cos people like that just make sure they order v expensive food n drinks if they know it is your turn to pay

The thing that’s reminded me/pissed me off again is that a family member from their side came to see us this weekend. We all had a nice time and I posted some pics, she was literally the only person not to like/comment/acknowledge them from the family. Today, the visiting family member posted pics and she’s commenting/loving them etc. It’s so obvious and makes me wonder what I supposedly did wrong this time, I can’t win!

*Strong, dominant trouble causer.

I've been with Dh since we were young and always felt intimidated by her, she’s a v strong character and one you wouldn’t want to cross*

so she’s an arsehole.

As others have said, grey rock, and you keep your dignity, although I’d be tempted to wind her up too!

Agree with PP who said not to be passive aggressive... PA comments that may sound witty in your head often sound mean or awkward out loud. Much better to say what you mean, swiftly and assertively e.g. Bill arrives? 'Shall we split this then?'

Defintely tell your DH what happened at the last visit. It's not bitching to tell him the truth about how she left your house in a mess, didn't pay her way and made mean comments about you. You need him on your side.

I wouldn't even bother even trying to think what's going on in her head. Just don't even think about it (the social media thing). She's clearly friggin nuts. Don't give her head space.
And luckily, I've never had to deal with stupid in-laws (my own family, on the other hand, I just ignore and don't invite to things).
I'd be making it clear, and public, that if she can't behave, you're going nowhere near her. DH can take dd to meet her?
Why do people put up with this. Fuck that.

Stop trying to win-step away from her game.
Shes an arsehole.
Let her be

What does it matter what she does on Facebook....you need yo be jn yhe headspace to ignore ignore ignore..

You don't have to see them that often ..if at all ..if your not willing to be busy when shes about and leave your dh to it....then just tjjnk itll be kver soon, grey rock and talk to others there..

Plus she’s messaged Dh privately to say she loves the photos family member took 🤣wtf

@averythinline It was just another very obvious example, but tbh makes her look stupid, it’s embarrassing really.

Start singing the moody moody moody song to her when she acts up.

@WibblyWobblyJane 🤣
She’s almost 50 🤷🏻‍♀️Awful. Hard for me not to take it to heart though, not used to people like that, why can’t we all just get on

This is exactly it, just let her make herself look stupid, you won’t be the only one to notice

I agree with PP - I would just drop the rope rather than engage with her.

Tell DH she was appallingly rude to you last time, and so you won't be meeting up with her. If he wants to take DD to see her that's fine.

If you are worried DH will tell you to suck up the abuse then you have a DH problem.

You could suggest that your DH take your DD to meet her then you don't have to see her at all.
Or you could go and at the first sign of trouble, pick up DD and leave (take DH if he wants to go, leave him there if not)
Or you could go and react to what she does with something like "SIL, stop that. It's nasty". Every time.

oh and don't ask open questions like this pp suggested

Much better to say what you mean, swiftly and assertively e.g. Bill arrives? 'Shall we split this then?'

When a bill arrives, or someone is getting drinks, just say, upfront "your share is x" or "We're going halves" or "we owe x you owe y" and just leave it. Don't ever give people like this the opportunity to say "no" or "yes" give them a choice if you like but make each answer one that you can live with "do you want to pay for exactly what you had or will we go 50/50?".

@JudgeRindersMinder Yes, you’re right, hoping others do too, but then to specifically inbox Dh saying she loves the other photos, what’s the game there? Just to literally not want me included in anything? It’s my Dd!

Isn’t it awful how you get drawn into the toxicity of it, ridiculous

Seriously as a life long survivor of tolerating other people's arseholery due to childhood training to be a people pleaser do yourself a massive favour and cancel this visit.

You are not put on this earth to tolerate this bullshit. I promise you will get a big lift to your self esteem by not giving her any space, you won't miss her and she will move onto her next victim, sad cow.

@Dacquoise V true

That is what she wants.
A game where you engage and then she puts you down.
Any attempt by you to try to hit back or get her to see reason will be throwing rocket fuel onto the drama.
Some people with low self esteem behave like this, they prop it up by jabbing at others, it gives them a good feeling to hurt others and drama is like mothers milk to them.
Dont try to understand her, you never will.
Just step away.

@StEval Just why, it’s madness

This 100%!!!!

The bill thing is ridiculous, don't you ask DH why he pays? You're married so its joint money so thats you paying too.

Just announce this is what we all owe forget paying for her!! If she cant afford it she shouldn't go, horrible woman

Probably part of a toxic family dynamicoe abusive upbringing.
These are learned behaviours
But really its best not to get pulled into why or why me?
The answer is
"No,not me" , put that boundary in place and step away

@StEval You're right 100%

@agent74 Well, it was awkward at the time as he’d just say ‘I’ll get these’ how can you step in and say ‘No we won’t’ Afterwards when I saw how much we’d spend that week, I said to him and he was surprised/shocked too
i think he saw it as she paid to come and see us, yes, but a free stay and food etc provided 🤷🏻‍♀️