To sometimes feel like just winding her up now

[Whatsinhisspottybag]

Sil.

Strong, dominant trouble causer.
I've been with Dh since we were young and always felt intimidated by her, she’s a v strong character and one you wouldn’t want to cross. I’ve always been polite and tried to get on with her, mainly being able to avoid her (we live a distance away)
She came to stay with us a few years back, treated our house like crap, threw her stuff everywhere, never once cooked or washed up (her Dh did occasionally) never paid for anything, my Dh paid for every lunch. I heard her bitching behind me as we were walking along, laughing that I should get shorts that fit (I’m size 14/16) and bought denim shorts a bit bigger as didn’t want tight ones)
She also made up a song with her daughter (then aged around 7) about moody moody mood (implied to me after I sat quietly after another horrendous lunch where she was vile and expected it all paid for again)
She falls out with everyone in the family, even her own mum etc.
I’m normally able to stay out of it and have minimal contact, but she’s coming over again this summer to meet Dd. The thing is, having Dd made me different, I got backbone from somewhere in regards to her and will not be taking her crap anymore and she certainly won’t be bringing her toxicity around Dd
I feel in control now, I realise she still doesn’t like me, but that’s not my problem.
I actually feel like giving her crap back this time or doing…something, which is so unlike me, I don’t have any enemies!
How would you deal with someone like this?

@Whatsinhisspottybag I get that totally & i wouldn't be able to say no we wont pay in the moment either.

I think this time just explain before hand that it will really upset you if he pays for her meals & that you need boundaries in place.

I think it's odd that you didn't discuss this with your DH last time. Why didn't you have a conversation about it?

And?

Why introduce this level of toxicity into your daughter's life? Let your husband meet her briefly with your daughter the once and let him maintain the relationship on his own after that.

Why would you not discuss with your husband?

i wouldn’t go out of my way to say something but be polite and firm. The likely scenario is that she will pick up on a change in your character and will avoid discussion with you directly without others there. That’s a winning scenario. Set boundaries on time and money you’re willing to spend and if she’s in your home have a safe space that is for you and your dd that she is not to intrude.

Right now she's trying to triangulate you OUT of the picture with the not liking but privately messaging your DH. It's clear she's done such extensive bitching that she can't even let anyone see her liking a photo of you.

And that would make me want to be front and center of every single meeting she has with DD, just to piss her off. I'd make it clear I'm her mother and if you are toxic with me, you don't get time with my DD.

I've a SIL who likes to issue barbed comments or backhanded compliments. I do one of two things - for the backhanded compliments I cheerfully thank her. Like the time she said she was surprised at how good a mother I turned out to be in the end because she never thought I'd be any good. I put on a big shit-eating grin and said "I know, right??, I'm actually brilliant at this shit, who knew eh?"

Then if it's a barbed comment, if you pay attention you'll see those are usually timed so that other people who might tell her to STFU are occupied so they don't hear it - so my method then is "hang on, everyone, shush a minute, Mildred was asking me something and I didn't catch it? What was it you were saying Mildred?" She will either repeat it and you let it fall flat, frown and say "Oh. Not sure I know how to respond to that to be honest." Or she won't dare repeat the barb and tell you it was nothing, and backs down.

And if she does take it too far, then remember you can pick DD up and just say "Ok I think this visit is done now" and just leave. It's very effective and it's not you stropping out, just quietly removing yourself and DD from a situation where you are being verbally abused.

@TheOriginalClownfish She’s liked other posts I’ve done before, not many, but she has, so I was surprised about this one. It was a positive post saying it was a lovely day, including the tagged people and lovely photos, I really thought she’d like that, even her Dh has liked it. Just really bizarre, so I don’t think it’s that she’s done such extensive bitching (although she will have) that she *Cant like it, I’m not sure what the point was 🤷🏻‍♀️Only if it’s, like you say, not to appreciate a post I put up about the nice times, but then to go over the top about the post from the visitor…but then to actually inbox Dh saying specifically that she loves those posts. With anyone else I wouldn’t even notice this shit, but she just know when somethings deliberate, don’t you?
Also in the others post, I’m tagged but not in pics as it was a different day and I didn’t go as was ill.

@TheOriginalClownfish Its true though that Dd isn’t going anywhere for a visit without me!

Why are you giving her so much headspace about photos and likes? She sounds like she was raised by ferrets.

@Eeebleeb I know, it’s stupid. I think because it’s just so blatantly obvious and I wonder what crime I’m supposed to have committed this time or what the plan is with that, pisses me off!

So how are you planning to deal with her expecting to free load again?

You need to agree with DH that everyone pays for their own meals and drinks.

@Meraas Yes, I’ll definitely say to him beforehand, maybe the first small lunch is his treat but then not after, we can’t afford it and even if we could, that’s not right 🤷🏻‍♀️