Problem with ex and our baby

[Babynumberone369]

Does anyone else get really fed up with ropey fathers and their ‘rights’?
After a fling and a surprise baby (I was told I couldn’t have kids) I’ve got the baby I thought I’d never have and an absolute albatross around my neck with her father. I really would have loved a family for her but despite me trying really hard he ended it while I was pregnant. She’s now 8 months and apart from 2 asda trips I’ve been with her the whole time. It’s been extremely difficult financially and lonely/scary at times.
I’ve given him unlimited access to see her here at her home where she’s happy and comfortable. He won’t look after her for an hour on his own because she cry’s and he doesn’t know what to do with her, yet gets so angry and threatens court regularly because I won’t let him take her 100’s miles away to his hometown (The fact I won’t let him do that he’s refusing to allow me to take her on holiday with my mum 🙄) He asks regularly when I’m going to stop breastfeeding so he can take her away for weekends.He comes when he’s got nothing else to do, but won’t come for a week if he has plans. He’ll cancel 10 minutes before he’s due to see her, yet I’ll be in trouble if I can’t do a day he wants even though he won’t commit to same days/times each week. When he comes he spends an hour with her before he’s off again if there’s nothing to argue about. He’s never bought her a thing, not even a toy. All he’s interested in is getting her away from me…despite not knowing the first thing about how to care for her.
The level of frustration these stupid arguments cause are ruining me, I start shaking when I see a text or know he’s arriving. It’s like arguing with me is a sport. I suggested he sees her at my mums to minimise the arguing but I got court threats again…which he knows I struggle with.
I don’t want her around conflict, and I want her to have a good dad, and him to see her…but should your sanity be tested this much to get it?! 🤯 And if your gut says the baby’s best interests aren’t their primary concern what do you do?
From reading about it, he has all the ‘parental responsibilities’ that suit him, but none of the sacrifice that comes with being a single mum

I would stop all contact with him. Block him entirely. If he really gives a shit about access, he will take you to court. I'd bet my house he won't. He's a useless deadbeat who only spouts off to make you miserable.

It’s the risk with having a baby from a fling though really, did he want the baby?

This sounds like a really hard situation for you. I would think that you may have to bite the bullet and get a formal agreement for visitation rights. Just so you can't be threatened with court yourself. It might be a really difficult choice as you don't want your child going to another place to stay and I can totally understand that but would it make things better for you to have things/agreements set in stone? Xx

Firstly we'll done for getting this far. He is going to continue to be a nightmare sadly they always are - unless of course they bugger off completely.

Why are you afraid of court? A court won't allow a father who hasn't even had his child alone for 1 hour to take her away for the weekend. He will be expected to built up to this slowly are HER pace. He needs to commit to regular contact - and to actually care for her during these times. Is there a reason why he can't such as shift work? If not then set days/times and stick to it. If he can't be bothered then tough he doesn't get to come and go in your home as he pleases throwing his threats around. If he doesn't like it let him have his day in court. You have been more than reasonable - he just wants to play Disney dad - or more likely hand her over to mummy who is the one wanting weekends away.

Is the holiday with your mum abroad? If not he can't stop you.

I think you need to go to court as you need a child arrangements order. If you get a 'lives with' order it gove your freedom to do things like take a holiday without his say so. It will also define what he needs to do and when his contact is. If he doesn't show well that's it till next time. That will put things on a better footing for you. And if you want to change it to meet at your mums then do that. He cannot insist on access to your home.

Has he got parental responsibility? (did he go on birth certificate)
Its not in her interests for him to act this way. I’d set out what you are willing to agree re contact and stick to it. Chances of him going to court are extremely slim - it requires effort and money.
I assume you have put in a claim for maintenance.

Oh and I assume you have got him.paying at least the child maintenance service minimum I maintenance for her? If not get onto that one ASAP- he has no excuse for not paying his way.

@Babynumberone369 you sound lovely, however you have allowed him to trample all over your boundaries.

How dare he come into your home, dictate things and then get angry at you!

Stop contact and let him take you to court

may I ask is he on the birth certificate?

@BiscoffSundae I know…life! After trying for 5 years and it destroying my long term relationship there wasn’t a chance I couldn’t be happy about it! I told him when I found out that there was no expectation, and he said he was happy. When I asked what he was happy about he said ‘putting a smile on his mums face’ Should have known…

@Aquamarine1029 I think I’m my heart I know you’re right, it’s just a scary thought having your child’s life taken out your hands, even by a judge.

Well, I guess you got the baby you wanted but it comes at a cost. You might have to 'share' 🤷‍♀️

Hopefully he does take you to court so that it can be settled without all this angst and you can both move forward from there. I hope that he is paying CM? If not, he should be and that needs to be sorted as well.

Just be aware that if you go down the court route and you have blocked all contact because you don't want the inconvenience, it's not going to be a good look for you.

All the best.

@Dixiechickonhols @REignbow Yes he is on the birth certificate. I don’t know if I regret that but it was more for her than anything else. I felt a bit mean leaving him off…
@LittleOwl153 he’s 9-5 army so it’s mess functions that get in the way. You are completely right with Disney dad! He takes so many photos of her and endless selfies to send round but has no idea about the basics like what she eats

Hey OP,

No way I'd let someone who can't handle a baby for one hour take her away for the weekend.

He clearly isn't interested in the gritty bits of parenting. I'd block and let him take you to court. Odds are he won't, but even if he does you'll win as there'll be a formal agreement he'll have to stick to.

You don't have to let him walk all over you, he's shown you what kind of man he is. Baby would probably be better off without him in her life tbh.

Get in touch with a contact centre. He can have her for an hour a week there, supported by staff. You won't need to be in contact with him, all communication can all be done via the centre.

I agree that, unfortunately, blocking him completely will not look good to the court.
But you can take back control! Don’t just sit around waiting for him to turn up. He’s 30 minutes late? Text him that you and his daughter are tired of waiting and are making other plans. He didn’t show up today and wants to come tomorrow? That’s a no, you are busy. Make sure your text refers to how he broke his word and that you will be giving him his next usual visiting opportunity, but not before. Save all your texts.

Going to court will formalise this. The court will see it your way. You have been very quiet when people ask whether he is paying child maintenance. Why oh why aren’t you claiming that? If he gives you any trouble, go through the courts. They will deduct it from his paycheck at source. Your DD deserves this.

You need to stop enabling the flakiness. Insist on fixed hours and a routine. Maybe even contact centre.

You’ve been more than considerate to the extent that you’ve disadvantaged yourself. It’s ridiculous that you’re not shaking at texts and arguments are happening in front of the baby. You really must draw a line for your sake and the baby’s.

Claim CM. Plan your return to work and book childcare. Try to agree a set contact schedule, at a contact centre if necessary and if he won’t agree or if he bullies, send a solicitor’s letter setting out your position and let him go to court if he can pull himself together.

A flaky dad is no good for your dd.

Definitely claim cms. Your DD deserves that money. If you don’t need it now, save it for her.

Then speak to womens aid or rights of women about formalising access. He clearly has no plans to put your DD first. So you need to. Work out a plan that would allow suitable contact, building up over time as he learns to care for her and which allows you to do the things you want eg take her away for holidays. Then apply for mediation so he can have a say. If he doesn’t show then the ball is in his court.

But do not continue to allow him to turn up when he feels like it. That’s not in DDs interest. Use that phrase when corresponding with him.

This is for him to prove himself.. not for you to keep being a doormat !

YOU dictate the when & where.
YOU keep a record of all shows/no shows.
YOU tell him. 'Bring it on' when he threatens court.

YOU apply to CMS for payment. He is regularly employed. Should be straightforward.

YOU stop wringing your hands and appeasing this waste of space 'for your child' and start being an advocate for her best emotional and financial interests . YOU do that by getting him out of your life or a regular court order which will be based on gradual bonding.. and child support payments which he owes regardless of contact.

You have power in this situation.

You don't have to wait around for this mean to turn up. If he's late, it's ok to go out. Keep a log of how often he's late.

If you can't make a date then that's fine. Stop feeling guilty. Contact is supposed to benefit your dd and isn't about making you jump higher and higher hurdles.

Ignore the breast feeding comments and consider a Child Arrangement Order so you don't need his permission for short holidays. It would also spell out specific days for contact so you can live your life planning stuff on a Wednesday because Thursday is contact or whatever. You can also request that his contact is supervised. If he goes to this kind of contact regularly then he'll eventually end up with unsupervised.

Does he call you to arrange contact or do you chase him? It's ok not to chase him- a flaky dad does more damage than no dad at all.

Your silence about the subject suggests that you're not claiming CM. Make a claim for your DD's sake. Have you not claimed because he was a fling?

If he is in the army claiming CM from him will be very straight forward. You haven’t answered if you currently get any or not. Communication with the welfare officer would be an advantage as well. It is relatively easy to find out who that is if you know where your ex is based.

Your first mistake was putting a man barely knew on the birth certificate. Your second mistake is allowing him to run rings around you. Whst you need to do is set out some clear guidelines for contact and if he refuses to cooperate then you stop contact and let a court sort it out. A stressed mum is not a good mum!

The court won't let him take her for a weekend if he cant even handle an hour. I'd make a note of each contact he has with her, how long etc. Did he feed her/nappy change etc. (After he's gone). If you aren't happy to have him in the house he can take her for a walk.

Claim maintenance.

Do as I say or I'm taking you to court!

Say "see you there"

Just tell him to take it to court/mediation.

He can't stop you taking her on holiday. Apply to the courts to me be recognised as "resident" parent (it have a different name now). Anything that can be done to reduce him failing to return her without a court battle.

Set out a plan of contact building up to him having her for a weekend. Starting off with 2 hours sole care at your Mums house etc. increasing weekly to a full day, then a full day out with him providing everything, then an overnight, then 2 full days. Clearly that will take months and every time he misses a week he'll need to repeat the last one he attended "to build a relationship with her".

This will end up in court regardless but takes the power away from him. Keep all your offers of building contact child centric and he will look the idiot he is in court.

If he turns down contact at your Mums tell him he'll have to pay for a contact centre as you no longer trust him to return your baby at the end of contact time and it needs rebuilding and DD needs to know him rather than being a stranger.

It sounds really tough

My husband is in the army but works 8-8 five days a week, he doesn’t go to mess functions because he doesn’t want to. He’d rather spend his very limited free time with his family, it’s an excuse! I’d bet good money that he finishes at lunch time on a Friday too!

I would reduce the contact so you’re not at his beck and call. Offer agreed contact times that are convenient to you, if he doesn’t turn up then too bad. Is he paying child support? If not pursue him for it. And let him take you to court if he’s not happy. He’s already shown you he’s not going to be a good dad so don’t let him mess you and your daughter around.

I disagree with previous posters who say you shouldn’t have put him on the birth certificate though. You know he’s her father so she has the right to have him named on her birth certificate, it would be dishonest to leave him off.

Block all but one new Email address.

send an email saying the due to his unreliability & bullying, he's no longer welcome at your house.

tell him he can see DD IF he gets it sorted through a contact centre.

if he wants me & threatens court, tell him to sort that out then.

Keep breastfeeding her.

make notes of times he was a 'no show' & things he's done/said.

stop letting him (& fear) bully you.

congratulations on DD, what a lovely, unexpected, gift x