Problem with ex and our baby

[Babynumberone369]

Does anyone else get really fed up with ropey fathers and their ‘rights’?
After a fling and a surprise baby (I was told I couldn’t have kids) I’ve got the baby I thought I’d never have and an absolute albatross around my neck with her father. I really would have loved a family for her but despite me trying really hard he ended it while I was pregnant. She’s now 8 months and apart from 2 asda trips I’ve been with her the whole time. It’s been extremely difficult financially and lonely/scary at times.
I’ve given him unlimited access to see her here at her home where she’s happy and comfortable. He won’t look after her for an hour on his own because she cry’s and he doesn’t know what to do with her, yet gets so angry and threatens court regularly because I won’t let him take her 100’s miles away to his hometown (The fact I won’t let him do that he’s refusing to allow me to take her on holiday with my mum 🙄) He asks regularly when I’m going to stop breastfeeding so he can take her away for weekends.He comes when he’s got nothing else to do, but won’t come for a week if he has plans. He’ll cancel 10 minutes before he’s due to see her, yet I’ll be in trouble if I can’t do a day he wants even though he won’t commit to same days/times each week. When he comes he spends an hour with her before he’s off again if there’s nothing to argue about. He’s never bought her a thing, not even a toy. All he’s interested in is getting her away from me…despite not knowing the first thing about how to care for her.
The level of frustration these stupid arguments cause are ruining me, I start shaking when I see a text or know he’s arriving. It’s like arguing with me is a sport. I suggested he sees her at my mums to minimise the arguing but I got court threats again…which he knows I struggle with.
I don’t want her around conflict, and I want her to have a good dad, and him to see her…but should your sanity be tested this much to get it?! 🤯 And if your gut says the baby’s best interests aren’t their primary concern what do you do?
From reading about it, he has all the ‘parental responsibilities’ that suit him, but none of the sacrifice that comes with being a single mum

Are you claiming child maintenance?

Thank you everyone for the comments, they really help with plucking up the courage to just let it go to court. It sounds like it’s the better option.

I don’t claim anything formally, he’s always put the money in my account, it’s just the date/amount that varies. It’s less if I’ve annoyed him! Looking at the calculator it’s roughly what I’d expect he’d have to pay. I’ve avoided poking the bear with money where I can.

@fyn yes he finishes at 12 on Fridays 🙂

Stop being a doormat, in the kindest way. If he wants to be a Dad, he needs to do it on your DD's terms and not his.

Do it the legal way.

Let him go to court. He most likely won't when he realises it will take effort on his part.

I would send an email (ideally with delivery receipt if you can) and say that as dd is now x months old you feel that a more formal contact schedule should be set up so you now feel it’s in dd’s best interest moving forward that contact is on set days and times and please could he let you know what times/days he is available for contact.

also claim for CM so it’s not dependent on you doing what he wants you to.

Hi, OP -

I know it is very hard so I am glad these messages are helping. The main thing you need to see is that you are the one with the power! The court will be concerned for DD’s best interests.

It is dead wrong that he should reduce payments when you have annoyed him. Please do claim that CM. BTW, payments start off voluntarily, but if there is enough trouble they will be deducted from his paycheck at source. Using CM is another way to claim your power.

I am curious whether he has ever changed a soiled nappy? Is this one reason he needs to have contact at your house? Imagine what a judge would make of that! No way would such a parent be allowed to take DD for a weekend, so if this true I would keep very quiet about it. (Grandparents do not have rights in the U.K. so if his mum is willing to do it that should not matter, I think.)

Best wishes to you

No No No. His maintenance payments are not optional. Do you get a choice over if you feed and clothe your child or not dependant on your mood?

Thank you everyone for the help. I have a solicitors appointment for next week and she said we may even get emergency court time to get the holiday agreed!

I would definitely tell him to go to court for access.

I wouldn't even tell him to. Just see if he does!

That’s great news, OP. Well done!

If he was that bothered about his mum seeing the child (and I do think that it would be nice for the child to have contact with grandparents), surely he can just bring his mum down to visit? I’m glad you’ve started the ball rolling regarding court. Good luck!

You want your baby to have a good dad. Well he's not an option.

He is doing all this to be Billy Big Balls. Don't let him. He doesn't get to dictate. Let him take you to court.

Get a notebook and write everything down. No maintenance. Late visits. Cancelled visits. Demands. Etc

To be honest, id be preparing for court and everything via email. Edging towards formal.

dear ONS, to confirm, the contact you requested for this week is x day at x time at x place. We look forward to seeing you then.

dear ONS, as you were unable to make the arranged contact requested for this week at x etc, next contact time will be next week at x etc.

and absolutely go through cms to get the cm.

@Babynumberone369

You maybe lucky and get the lives with order and holiday consent sorted, but the cao wouldn't get sorted in that timescale. And obviously, this holiday element, would not be the priority if he's applied, so could mean you applying. At your cost.

Please also be aware that via courts, will inevitably lead to progressions in contact that you don't like. As well as possible benefits to you. And a cao doesn't mean that he has to adhere to it... And you probably will lose any goodwill you do both have and that could make a long 17 more years!

Yes he's unreasonable with not wanting a set routine of some description. But equally, you've not, by the sounds of it, tried to facilitate contact with his wider family that is only 100 miles away. So please don't be surprised if you went to court, lo would be getting closer to 1yo and he may well be granted unsupervised whole day contact with the aim of building up to 2 consecutive weekend days overnights and possibly whole weekends at around 18 to 24 months! And that may well mean he's taking lo that distance every weekend as he then can, whereas if he'd done this already it would be less of a pull...

There's also a very reasonable argument that of course he doesn't know what baby eats etc because he is with her so little compared to you and this may well be presented by him as due to your controlling his contact and his ability to bond and be unsupervised etc... You, after all, couldn't meet all of your baby's needs immediately, it took you time and the same is for him...

@Babynumberone369
I agree, keep paper trails.

With regards lateness, you need to be reasonable, so say he has 20 minutes to get there, then if not there cancel the contact until the next planned session and you'll need not to be there when he arrives to make this effective and repeat/be consistent.
You would also not be unreasonable to provide him with a reasonable contact schedule. Ensuring that he has the opportunity to be alone with the child, so collecting and taking away from your home. Etc.

This. Love it when the first response nails it.

@ChoiceMummy

I know there’s risks, and that’s what’s really worried me. At this stage though I hate the conflict around the baby more than anything. As long as whatever is decided has her best interests at heart I’m happy.

His lack of interest in her care is not without me trying. If I refused to look after her on my own we’d be in a predicament by now! Until this week I’ve not controlled contact, but it was getting silly with coming/not coming/late decision/anger if I was busy…

Also, his mum lives 270 miles away and I’ve had her (and her dog) to stay twice, a week when baby was 4 weeks and again at 9 weeks. We weren’t together at that stage…and it was hell cooking and cleaning for that with stitches and a screaming baby!

CMS for maintenance

Court to formalise contact - look at a contact centre to start with

All contact to be via email, as a pp has said, a new address just for him and block on everything else. Check it at a regular time that suits you.

I was with my partner for over two years when I fell pregnant and he is refusing to even acknowledge the child is his. He says I have taken all choice from him by keeping the baby without his agreement and that he therefore chooses to release himself from any responsibility.
To give you the back story, we met online and about 4 months into our relationship he told be he didn't want children so we broke up, I’d always wanted children. After lots of begging from him and thinking about it I agreed to us being together with no children. At this point I was 40, had been single for a long time and truly thought I had met the man of my dreams, why would I give him up for something I might never have. Fast forward 2 years and after being careless I’ve fallen pregnant. He knew I wasn’t on birth control and I also asked him to get a vasectomy last year which he refused to do incase something went wrong and he could have sex. I’ve tried everything to get him so accept the situation, asked that we go to counselling, that he talk to someone alone, he hasn't even told his family. He point blank refuses says he doesn't want to know when the vmchild is born, whether its a boy or girl, wants absolutely nothing to do with it.
I’m at a loss what to do but also know that legally he will have to take financially responsibility when the baby is born. Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice on how to deal with this needed from very stressed mumma to be!!

This is a zombie thread so I think you need to start your own for some proper advice. Yes he will need to pay CMS but he isn’t obliged to be on the birth certificate or see the child. Seems he was very clear he didn’t want kids so not sure why this is a surprise to you? He’s an irresponsible idiot (putting it mildly) for not insisting on wearing a condom or having a vasectomy but I cannot for the life of me fathom why you’d willingly have unprotected sex with someone who didn’t want a baby. Pretty shoddy behaviour from both of you to be honest and unfortunately as usual it will be the child that suffers. The best you can do now is build your support network and give your baby the best, most stable upbringing you can, assuming termination is not something you’d consider. I think you need to accept this man doesn’t want to be involved.

@Singlemumhereicome well first if all you are well rid of him. He didnt want to use contraception and then was surprised you got pregnant. idiot.
secondly, what country you are in, and he is in, makes a difference.

always give a baby the mother’s surname, so yours.
you will not be able to put him on the bc without him being there. He can go to court to be added and to have PR in the future though.
go to cms immediately after the birth to get maintenance arranged by them.
dont chase him. Him being a nobhead and being involved with your pregnancy makes your life harder.

start your own thread and people will support you through his fuckwittery.

@Singlemumhereicome

Being a single mum in your 40's isn't easy, but I wouldn't change any of it.

This is a special time, don't ruin it worrying about him, it will all fall into place and once that baby arrives you honestly won't give two hoots about him. Your baby doesn't need a dad like that in its life.

Good luck 😊

This with bells on.

Have a proposed plan for contact for when you see your solicitor (as someone previously suggested) to build up time that they spend together at your house/local area.

Give him 20-30 minutes after an arranged contact time and simply email him with ‘I made X available for contact on (whatever) date and (whatever) time as per our arrangement but you failed to show. X will be available for contact on X date.’ Don’t reply to any crap you get from that, grey rock totally and make sure your baby is available at the next agreed time. (hope that makes sense).