Feeling sad and suicidal

[Namechangefeelingdown]

I'm so sad. I have a 3yo. I'm a lone parent. His dad abused us both. Raising my beautiful son on my own. Living with a family member and have been for 3 years as can't afford rent. Couldn't go on the council housing list as owned a house with my ex. He refused to sell or buy me out and it took me 3 years to get my name off it. Hardly any equity which went on paying off debts. I earn 30k a year, not bad, but childcare nearly 1k a year and because I earn an OK wage I don't get much universal credit. I pay rent for lodgings every month but because I am with a family member I can't claim UC for it. Finally applied for council housing 6 weeks ago but heard nothing since. Likely I won't be in a high band. I've shared 1 bedroom and a bed with my child for 3 years but apparently not overcrowded as I don't lack 2 or more bedrooms. I need to move out. I'm severely depressed. I'm exhausted. I can't afford to rent and have debts I pay off every month. I would never harm myself but I think about it every day and it is getting me down. I don't know what to do anymore. I am a brilliant mum. I do everything for my child. I just don't know what to do as I can't afford to move out and just don't want to live in this horrible situation anymore. I just want a night on my own. Just once. I want my own bed, and space, and a living room I can walk through and use without feeling awkward.

I mean 1k a month

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run - sorry you're feeling so down. What your story says to me is that things don't stay the same and you have done an amazing job to change your life and your son's life for the better already. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about how you're feeling? Woukd it be possible to get some support via your GP?

I've had CBT for PTSD, and counseling for sexual abuse. I've spoken to my GP but they can't do much other than give me medication. I've spoken to MIND UK. It's just got to a point where speaking about it doesn't work anymore. How much can you talk about something until you actually just need something to happen? I am in my 30s and still share a bed with my son. It's exhausting.

Childcare costs will reduce when your son starts school, so finances may get easier at that point

I'd think £30, 000 is a pretty reasonable salary, so I can see why you're frustrated that you can't afford to rent somewhere

Depending what work you do, might there be an option to do work where accommodation is provided?

OP, I am sorry I have no advice. What I will say though is that you seem to be doing so well. 3 is such a hard age and you've kept up working which must have been so hard. Really hoping you get your own place soon.

I take home around £1800 a month. 1k on childcare, 4-500 on bills/debts, 450 on lodgings, then fuel, and food, and the rest. I get £400 ish back from universal credit but cheapest 2 bed rent near me is £900 or more and I just can't afford it. Its the childcare that's doing it.

I don't have the answers but I wish I could give you a hug. It's a horrible feeling you have and I've been there.

It's just reached a head tonight and I just feel completely defeated and fed up. I work so hard but feel like I struggle so much.

Will universal credit change when you pay higher rent?

Yes, but I don't even know how I would afford a deposit and 1st month rent in the first place.

Sorry you are feeling so down. If it wasn’t for the debt repayments would you be able to afford to private rent somewhere (and then be able to claim UC)? Just wondering if you could consolidate or reduce monthly payments to free up some money.

I've already done this. The debts are for barrister costs for family court as I coyjdbt do it on my own anymore so I don't regret it but it has made life hard

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Family member needs to chuck you out for you to be homeless then you will be high priority, get them to write you a letter but it means going into temp acc

It sounds like you're doing all the right things OP, i can really see how this must be so exhausting. Sorry you're feeling so down, you have come a really long way already x

Thank you and to clarify I really just need to vent and talk and would never ask another member for money or personal support.

Are you getting any child maintenance money off the dad?

Also would it be more affordable to move to a much cheaper part of the country ? Somewhere where you could rent for the same amount as your lodgings?

Ok your doing amazing.and look how far you've come already.what if things could get better.dont give up.
Have you ever tried any meditation or mindfulness.im thinking particularly when the bad thoughts come.
Cod you have family or friends.you could have you or child have a sleepover so u can havecalone time.
Any way to get 15 minutes for a coffee break if your family member looked after child.how come they aren't doing this already?
Do u manage to get fresh air.a way to get some space,your own space in a park somewhere.so u don't feel so trapped.
Do u have downtime.to just introduce some you stuff.even tiny things like starting a book,drawing,making a cake,writing a journal,craft.a new series.oh it sounds naff but justadding in these little tiny moments.

Keep venting op.we are here.

(((HUG)))

you've done incredibly well to get where you are. You got you & your DS away from the abusive arsehole.

so, you're paying your relative £450 per month plus bills, plus food?? (Considering your situation that seems a lot to me). Do you get on with this relative? Are they supportive? If not could you consider another relative or friend for a while? Will they babysit when DS is in bed so you can spend sometime with friends?

I'm pretty crap with how the benefits system works, but there are a few MNers who work in this area and are brilliant at helping, so maybe start a thread asking for help with UC calculations.

is there anyway you could earn some extra money from home (so no additional childcare) to put into the 'house' account, that might make you feel like you're getting somewhere?

could you look at options re working hours/childcare to see if 4 long days might leave you with more cash? (Hard to know without knowing what you do)

when does the gorgeous boy start school? This September ir next? (Assuming you're in England).

have you asked anyone if they can help in anyway? Any childcare to save you a bit in paid childcare.

you're doing better than you feel like you're doing!! 💐

You sound like absolute supermum to be. It will be such a joy seeing your little one grow up. Times will be brighter, I promise. Hold on in there

To be honest* that was supposed to say

Will your son be eligible for 30 free hours soon, or is £1000 a month your childcare bill even with the 30 free hours? And are you using tax free childcare, that can save you £2k a year.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position OP but it won’t be forever.

Sounds like your doing what you can, better days are coming don't give up! Good luck with everything!