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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Erection touble / Other issues

92 replies

stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 13:38

I have dated a man in his late 30's for several months.

There have been a few red flags - involving the most emotive of issues - namely sex and money .

We have been unable to have sex because he cannot maintain an erection.
He blames alcohol and tiredness each time. He blamed me last time we seen each other for wanting to go for dinner first; and he felt if we were to have had sex when he arrived at my house before we went for dinner it would have resulted in us having sex finally. However, I ruined his grand plan.

He seems fixated with if we were to live together I would pay more towards the house deposit and mortgage as I earn significantly higher (6-7 times) than him. My issue is that I feel he has been alluding to be a 'kept man' and I think sees me as a bit of a cash cow for his future. All dates including the first have been split 50/50, but I do pick up more of the tabs. He will not rush to pay if we went for drinks / coffee / other.
There are a few other examples of this type of behaviour and a pattern has emerged.

I do not mind being an equal partner - but I think it is just a bit odd the assumptions he is making so early on. Also, with his delivery being more a monologue rather than discussion. He seemed to think if we stayed together we would 'merge finances into one big pot'.

Anyway I think I am going to throw this one back. Does anyone feel AIBU to do this? I feel like I want to Run as fast as I can.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:10

Death grip = can't maintain an erection other than through wanking due to endless porn watching...

Yutes · 30/05/2022 15:11

ED often has very little to do with how attractive you are. Sometimes it can be neurological, physical or emotional. If he doesn’t want to seek help or says it’s because of tiredness or alcohol, then the next natural step is to look at changing one of those things to see if it makes a difference.

LaBellina · 30/05/2022 15:13

stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 14:47

He thinks I am fucking stupid doesnt he???

Show quote history

I don’t think he’s necessarily thinking that, I do think he’s full of himself and he’s deliberately taking advantage of your willingness to give him too much chances.

Furrbabymama87 · 30/05/2022 15:14

It's all well and good coming on here laughing at him and his tendencies but if you don't stick to your word and end things with him properly, the joke is on you. Not many women would even entertain the idea of a guy like that. The floppy dick is enough for me to move on.

Kharybdis · 30/05/2022 15:17

Sorry you are going through this OP.

He is just a complete waste of space (as everyone else has said). ED is serious in his late 30's, but I would be worried more that he just wants you to pay for everything and does not intend to bring anything to your relationship at all.

A half-way decent man would want to more than pay his own way even if he is broke. It is a bad sign that he doesn't. And I find it bizarre that a man his age (or older) wouldn't be able to or want to have sex with a women who wants to have sex with him. (I'm male, 55 and that baffles me).

Break it off and do not explain. You don't have to and it is better (and more definitive) not to say anything at all about the reasons.

standoctor · 30/05/2022 15:21

Why on earth are you wasting your time with this ponce
He is not attracted to you
He wants you as a cash cow
He wants a mummy not a partner

AnnHedonia · 30/05/2022 15:25

Throw this one back OP, he sounds awful!

Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 15:25

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:10

Death grip = can't maintain an erection other than through wanking due to endless porn watching...

Good god

OP posts:
Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 15:27

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:10

Death grip = can't maintain an erection other than through wanking due to endless porn watching...

He did mention porn- mansplAined to men every man watched it

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:28

OP with all due respect I can't believe you kept seeing this idiot - he sounds like an absolute dickhead!

70kid · 30/05/2022 15:31

Crap sex and the potential to be a cock lodger

why not 😂😂

Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 15:38

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:28

OP with all due respect I can't believe you kept seeing this idiot - he sounds like an absolute dickhead!

I did need a kick up the arse and comments like this to be fair

OP posts:
Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 15:43

What does cocklodger mean?? Two people have said that??

OP posts:
MelonsMelonsMelons · 30/05/2022 15:43

The erection problem could be any number of things and if you really liked him and he was positive about taking action to sort it then you might be able to work through it, and do other stuff in the meantime.

The money thing is a deal breaker in my view. I’m happy to go 50/50 but it sounds like he’s taking the piss, and the “kept man” stuff is a big red flag.

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:47

stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 15:43

What does cocklodger mean?? Two people have said that??

A male gold digger who wants to move in and have you provide a comfortable life, sex on tap and money for them without them making any effort whatsoever in general.

Menora · 30/05/2022 15:51

I don’t always think it’s death grip. It’s often premature ejaculation issues in younger guys, it happens too fast for them, which they are embarrassed by and then they try to hide it. I’ve met a guy who it happens to just in the early fore play kissing stage then they struggle to get going again for a while and feel ashamed of it. In that case I just was really patient and he was very nice, so we had a much longer foreplay before full sex to give him a chance to recover and be ready, usually was a result for me I got a lot out of it 🤣

this guy is generally just awful though

BeenHereForYonkyDoodles · 30/05/2022 15:52

Lucky escape there op!

Maisa45 · 30/05/2022 15:52

stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 14:18

Does anyone know anything about this erection issue? Is it a permament thing? Is in normal?

I have only had it happen once when I 18 - poor guy was mortified. I have never had it several times with the same partner and resulting in no sex whatsoever? Is it because he did not find me attractive?

My ex had this problem. He had apparently always had erection issues and had taken viagra with previous partners. I think he may have had very low testosterone because his semen was like water and apparently that signifies a low sperm count. Anyway it only got worse as time went on and was one of the main reasons for our relationship ending. He was too embarrassed to see a dr. He was obsessed with me so I'm pretty sure the issue wasn't him not finding me attractive and I'm sure that's not the issue for your partner/ex either.

briannixon · 30/05/2022 15:55

Disconnect ASAP. Why the discussion?
Make sure he has no keys or passwords or cards.

TheAverageUser · 30/05/2022 15:58

One more for run away fast 😀

Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 16:01

MelonsMelonsMelons · 30/05/2022 15:43

The erection problem could be any number of things and if you really liked him and he was positive about taking action to sort it then you might be able to work through it, and do other stuff in the meantime.

The money thing is a deal breaker in my view. I’m happy to go 50/50 but it sounds like he’s taking the piss, and the “kept man” stuff is a big red flag.

Yes he seemed to be fairly content to take my money and status
50/50 when it suits him; more than 50/50 when it suits him also.

He told me he doesnt have a pension??
Tried to mansplain finances to me 😂
He actually makes my skin crawl

I got huge case of the ick

OP posts:
Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 16:03

@Maisa45

I would have had far more respect for him
If he told the truth as said it had been an issue for a few years and going to see doctor about it

It was the fact he was in such denial

OP posts:
RealBecca · 30/05/2022 16:03

I'd speculate the erection problems are down to a porn habit.

Original poster
stardrop8 · 30/05/2022 16:03

RealBecca · 30/05/2022 16:03

I'd speculate the erection problems are down to a porn habit.

He told me 'all guys watch porn'

OP posts:
NoHeavenNoMore · 30/05/2022 16:04

Well done you for making the right decision. So many of us just ignore the red flags!! Speaking from experience. I got lumped with a cocklodger for years who completely ruined me
financially and mentally. Lucky escape!!