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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU?

52 replies

bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 10:50

I have a freelancing DH who doesn't earn much money - that's normally fine because we contribute equally and we have everything we need.

Only problem is we have a small flat (mine which I bought alone when we were dating pre-marriage), and I WFH there. My company has an office but I prefer to WFH so that I can go quickly to collect our DD from nursery at 4.30pm. He does drop-off in the morning and then sometimes goes to work in the public library.

My issue is that he has been saying for years now that he'd get an office but reality is he can't afford one and there's not much available nearby. So he comes home from drop-off around 9.30am and then proceeds to make breakfast, exercise, do random things often involving coming into my 'office' (DD's bedroom) which really breaks my concentration. Then I have to stop working at 4.30pm.

Sometimes he uses the 'office' at home but then I'm working on the sofa which is even worse when he wanders out to make a big breakfast, make comments etc which also break my concentration.

After years of this I am losing my patience. Work is really busy and I've said a million times to him that I need the house quiet and empty to work. He feels like I am kicking him out because the flat is 'mine' and he wants to be able to use the house as a home throughout the day. But then I'd have to go into the office and I'd have to stop work even earlier to get back to the nursery on time for DD.

Who is being unreasonable and how should we resolve this? I'm starting to really resent him.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/05/2022 10:53

Go into work and make him responsible for nursery pickup maybe?

Hadalifeonce · 30/05/2022 10:53

If you go to the office, can't he collect DD?

MJ123 · 30/05/2022 10:55

I'm sorry, I think him not being able to use his home during the day is pretty unreasonable.

Either clear boundaries on 'this room is off limits between X and X' or you go into the office.

Original poster
bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 10:57

Yes, perhaps that's the only way. The reason we weren't doing it like that is because I was doing nights (she still doesn't sleep well) and then getting up early meant I was a zombie which was equally bad for work.

Also I know this is unreasonable but I really like working from home and don't want to go to the office. I get a lot of housework done while I'm WFH that otherwise adds up in the evening, and I just love the peace and quiet. But I know that's not a good reason.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2022 10:58

Reverse?

Daffyaboutdaffs · 30/05/2022 10:58

Yes agree why don’t you go to office and he does pick up? Could you do drop offs in the morning if you want to be involved with nursery?

pippinsleftleg · 30/05/2022 10:58

Can you move somewhere bigger?

Original poster
bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 10:59

Oh dear no it's not a reverse, if I'm that clearly unreasonable then I have some apologising to do

OP posts:
Daffyaboutdaffs · 30/05/2022 10:59

Why doesn’t he take turns doing the nights?

Original poster
bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 11:00

Unfortunately we can't afford to move somewhere bigger. Maybe in five-ten years

OP posts:
Daffyaboutdaffs · 30/05/2022 11:00

Why doesn’t he do some of the housework then it won’t build up?

JenniferBarkley · 30/05/2022 11:02

It's primarily a home, and you can't kick him out of his home because you want to work, especially when you could go to the office.

You can close the bedroom door and tell him not to disturb you though.

MintJulia · 30/05/2022 11:03

Make it a rule that pick ups go with home. So if he wants to use the house during the day, he does pickup.
Or he goes to the library and you do it.

Or he gets a better job and earns more. Your home will become less suitable as little one grows so you may need to move anyway.

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 11:04

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. Maybe you need to a bigger house. However, it sounds like he doesn’t really earn enough, and spends a great deal of time milling around and making himself nice food. Can he not get a job alongside his own venture? Or can he up his efforts with his own business so you can both contribute to a bigger house?

Lou98 · 30/05/2022 11:08

Work is really busy and I've said a million times to him that I need the house quiet and empty to work.

Sorry but I think this is massively U! You can't expect your house to be empty in your working hours just because you prefer it that way, it is his house too.
If you're working in DD's bedroom with the door closed then it's fair enough to ask him not to come in to the room to disturb you but you can't ask him not to make breakfast etc or that he isn't allowed in to his own home

Aprilx · 30/05/2022 11:09

bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 10:59

Oh dear no it's not a reverse, if I'm that clearly unreasonable then I have some apologising to do

You are being so unreasonable it is not funny. You have the choice to go to the office. This is your husband and your shared home, it is irrelevant that you had it before you met, it is his home too. I would even say it is not fair on your daughter to take over her room as your “office” especially when you have an actual office to go to.

If you don’t want your husband to feel like it is his home, then you need to consider divorce. You are treating your husband with contempt, I am actually shocked and if I were him I’d be long gone.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 30/05/2022 11:28

I thought you meant a separate flat which you use as an office but you mean your home.

It's a home first, I can't believe you think you are reasonable. You need to rent an office or go into work.

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/05/2022 11:35

Posters are being a bit harsh. What's wrong about you using your daughter's bedroom when she's at nursery. I imagine you're laptop/phone-based and can just move what you need - it doesn't take anything away from her.

Your partner as a grown adult should be capable of leaving you in peace in there. Why is he so needy that he needs to interrupt you? What is his reason for continuing to interrupt you when you've asked him not to?

Original poster
bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 11:36

Ok then AIBU is working and this is what I needed to hear I suppose. To be fair this all started during pandemic when we weren't allowed into the office, we have only been allowed back since April here.

However I think @DogsAndGin has it a bit right in that he also doesn't spend very much time actually working and there may be a little bit of resentment about having bought the house alone. He hasn't had a job in 20 years and would have various reasons for not being able to get one or increase income. But I knew he was like that when I was with him and he does at least half of child/house related work and financially we split everything equally (except house and we can't afford to move) and so that is for me to accept.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 30/05/2022 11:36

Or instead of the OP going into the office, her husband could actually try doing a full days work so he's not pissing about disturbing her.

OP, do you think you would be able to move earlier than 5-10 years if your husband started taking his job seriously and worked full time hours?

Original poster
bitemyheadoff · 30/05/2022 11:38

@Whatifitallgoesright no there's nothing wrong with using a desk in her room when she is out. she is 2. I never leave my computer or books on it when she is at home and the desk folds away.

And I don't know why he still interrupts me, I end up perceiving it as a lack of respect for my work. Perhaps that is wrong

OP posts:
MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 30/05/2022 11:39

There is lots yanbu about. I was only responding to your point about wanting your home to be a silent work space. The other issues would be deal breaking for me.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/05/2022 11:41

A bit both.

If you are both relying on your income to make things work, then you need to be able to work. However it is a home first and he should be able to enjoy his home as a home.

How often does he work? Is his working at home or just being at home causing the problem? If it's his working at home, tell him to look at co-working spaces or office shares. Then he only pays for one desk instead of a whole office.

If it's just him being at home that's bothering you, then you need to find elsewhere to work

treesandweeds · 30/05/2022 11:42

Why isn't he getting your child from nursery?!! And getting a job!

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/05/2022 11:42

It could very well be lack of respect for your work. There's quite a lot to unravel. He's not worked in 20 years? Does he have issues apart from being a lazy geezer? I'd be suspecting sabotage because he's jealous of you?