Who is BU?

[bitemyheadoff]

I have a freelancing DH who doesn't earn much money - that's normally fine because we contribute equally and we have everything we need.

Only problem is we have a small flat (mine which I bought alone when we were dating pre-marriage), and I WFH there. My company has an office but I prefer to WFH so that I can go quickly to collect our DD from nursery at 4.30pm. He does drop-off in the morning and then sometimes goes to work in the public library.

My issue is that he has been saying for years now that he'd get an office but reality is he can't afford one and there's not much available nearby. So he comes home from drop-off around 9.30am and then proceeds to make breakfast, exercise, do random things often involving coming into my 'office' (DD's bedroom) which really breaks my concentration. Then I have to stop working at 4.30pm.

Sometimes he uses the 'office' at home but then I'm working on the sofa which is even worse when he wanders out to make a big breakfast, make comments etc which also break my concentration.

After years of this I am losing my patience. Work is really busy and I've said a million times to him that I need the house quiet and empty to work. He feels like I am kicking him out because the flat is 'mine' and he wants to be able to use the house as a home throughout the day. But then I'd have to go into the office and I'd have to stop work even earlier to get back to the nursery on time for DD.

Who is being unreasonable and how should we resolve this? I'm starting to really resent him.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like he works very much 'freelance'? Why isn't he doing pickup and more housework? From your posts it sounds like he should be doing a lot more round the house instead of distracting you if he can't be bothered getting a job in 20 years.

Hahaha @Whatifitallgoesright sabotage made me laugh, I like that idea but I don't think it's the case, he's no evil genius.

His work is freelance journalism, there's a lot to like about it. He's very available for our DD and he does all the cooking at home, he's very proactive and an equal partner in terms of housework, partly because his hours are flexible. I like all this, it also gives me a lot of freedom too. Money isn't everything and I would rather be able to spend time with my DH than have him work all the hours god sends so we can move somewhere bigger when we might be able to find a solution with what we have.

Prior to DD he worked probably full-time hours, but he's not been able to adapt very well to the reduced time that comes with having kids. He doesn't fit in his work into the available time like I have to because of having a job. He just does less work. He fannies around a lot and probably only ends up actually working between like midday and 4pm. He gets very frustrated because of this.

We're not relying on my income since we split everything halfway, but it does mean he can't get an office, etc.

I'm not sure I fully understand your DH's situation. Freelancing as a writer or something else? If he's not working very hard, yet still bringing in just enough to go halves on bills it would suggest if he put more of an effort in he could be making more money so that you can upgrade to a bigger property with room for two offices - in a shorter time-frame than 5-10 yrs. DD won't want your office in her bedroom when she is 10!

Anyway, it seems the interruptions / cooking etc are the tip of the iceberg - you seem ambitious, he seems happy to coast. You should probably talk about it in depth to see if you really do have the same goals.

Ok cross post - sorry!

Thank you @MintJulia you probably have it right as the fairest solution

He feels like I am kicking him out because the flat is 'mine' and he wants to be able to use the house as a home throughout the day.

It sounds like he has a point. You actually have an office to go to, he doesn't, but you think you should have priority over the home office.

I have a home office doing work that takes a lot of concentration (writing) and I don't expect anybody to tiptoe around me. The only thing I ask is that nobody hoovers while I'm on a Teams call.

If I'm understanding correctly - he's paying half the bills, but working less.

He's also doing what you perceive as his fair share of housework, childcare, cooking etc.

So yes, he could work more hours and you'd both have more money but broadly you're happy with that? Great.

The issue is that he's messing about and disturbing you at home. I would say he absolutely has the right to use the house during the day and you can't be asking him to leave. BUT... he should not be disturbing you. At the very least, he mustn't come into the room where you're working and should act as if you're at the office and unavailable. The fact that he thinks he can just wonder around doing what he likes and not worrying about you is the part you have the right to be annoyed about.

I think you need to reconsider

He can't work from an office, but you have an office that you choose not to go to - that's not his fault, but he is being penalised for it

It's also his home, so you can't complain when he makes food, etc

I think either you need to go into the office, or you need to help to rent an office where OH can go and work

He sounds bored and frustrated. Maybe he needs to re think how he fills his time. He probably needs to address it sooner rather than later, as this could become a major issue for you both.

I don’t understand why if he works from home on the same day as you that he gets the office while you have to move to the sofa and he still interrupts you?!?! To me there is a basic level of disrespect. If you are in the office he should leave you alone. He should still be able to use the rest of the house but he should not be interrupting you by coming into your work space.

He should be able to get everything he needs from your office at the start of the day and then not disturb you. Wandering in and out all day when you're trying to work is pretty thoughtless. But you can't tell him not to use the rest of the house during the day!

I've WFH for 15 years, in various houseshares before living with DP (who's currently on holiday so hanging around a lot). If you can't deal with ambient household noise while you work then you need to live alone. But I've never found the sound of housemates chatting in the next room, or DP playing music while he cooks downstairs, anywhere near as distracting as the stuff you get in open-plan offices.

There are aspects of my job that require more concentration than others, so I simply close the door. Sometimes I do need silence for an hour or two so I request it and it's fine. But that's only for specific things I need to do, not as a default all-day thing.

You could both compromise ?
Could you do the drop off and work in the office in the mornings then your dh has the house to himself and does some housework then he does pick up .
You both need to give a bit,you are not entitled to have the house to yourself all day that's quite selfish.

He fannies around a lot and probably only ends up actually working between like midday and 4pm. He gets very frustrated because of this.

Having been a freelancer, I relate to this strongly! The thing is, freelancing is a lifestyle choice as much as anything else. You take the hit to your bank account in order to have more freedom and more variety in your life. MN is very big on Protestant work ethic and traditional career progression (and husbands who earn a lot of money) so if you want other people to call your partner a lazy shirker you've come to the right place.

Would also point out that freelance work involves doing a lot of things that don't directly earn money. I had to really hammer home to DP that when I was "arsing around on the internet" or reading a book or watching a film, I was gathering cultural information that I needed to do my actual work. Freelance journalism requires you to be on top of everything happening in your field and ideally beyond it.

And yes, all of that was stuff I enjoyed that tallied directly with my hobbies. That was the entire point of being a freelancer, to live a life I enjoyed!

Reconsidering on the basis of his good contribution and your work/life balance happiness and info on freelancing mentality I don't think he's sabotaging!

If you really need quiet isn't the office worse than home?

I think he needs to pretend to be you and go and work in your office on his own stuff and being around all those structured people will help him focus😀

OP, if he hasn't worked in ages but is still contributing equally financially, how is he affording to do that, out of interest?

He just needs to leave you alone to work in your dd’s room. He should also share any night wakings that are still going on.

Then he can work in the kitchen or wherever when he’s at home.

@gannett gets it. We both like his freelance lifestyle and financially we are fine for the most part, so it's all good.

the office for me is worse than home, I find it exhausting and I am also less productive, less housework gets done, I spend less time with DD because of commute etc.

I think the issue is that I don't see why I should go into the office which I don't like when he already has a ton of freedom and flexible hours, and with just a little more consideration could enable me to have a much easier workday (which would then resemble his a bit more)

I agree with posters who said I can't kick him out if he leaves me undisturbed in the office though. I am being U on that count. the issue is he pops in and out because his wardrobe is in there. please don't criticise the wardrobe being in DD's room too, there is nowhere else to put it, like I said it's a small flat.

@mamabeeboo he earns about the minimum required to cover what we need monthly and has emergency savings for the leaner times

I thought you had two places and he was coming to your flat to interrupt you working there
of course yabu! It’s his home why don’t you go to the library

YABU there would be noise in the office, it may be your flat but it’s also his home. It’s not his fault you prefer to work from home.

@bitemyheadoff we have a very, very similar set up here, and like your DH mine does all the shopping and cooking and more than half the housework (DCs are grown up) and pays most of the bills. He sometimes has to works into the evenings and at weekends to hit deadlines. The lifestyle suits both of us in that regard and if it suits you there's no need to fundamentally change it whatever anyone on a forum, or in RL, thinks.

But I think @Triffid1 and @gannett have nailed it – your DH needs to understand that while his work may allow him to wander round and dip in and out of things, yours does not. If DH has the door shut, I wouldn't dream of going into his 'office' (in practice just a room in our house where he has his computer and a desk and ton of books, magazines, articles, and other stuff relevant to his writing) and your DH should absolutely not be popping in. He doesn't need to do that, he just needs to be better organised with regard to his clothes etc. Asking him not to disturb you is perfectly reasonable.

You are not being unreasonable. How many times a day does he really need to access his wardrobe? Is he changing his clothes for lunch, afternoon tea etc like royalty? He should get his clothes ready the night before and not make excuses to come into the office/nursery/wardrobe room.
Tell him that. If he still insists on interrupting you, get a bolt for the door and lock it.

He sounds a bit of a work dodger. And seems to be very unreasonable about recognising YOUR work - which clearly keeps the family afloat financially. So he works less and interrupts your work?

He’s sabotaging you , either deliberately or subconsciously.

Could you insist that at the very least, he NOT disturb you when you are in the home office?

And for those who say that @bitemyheadoff coukd go to her office, we’ll her DH could go to a library or other public place. It sounds as though he doesn’t do much work anyway so a few hours a day wouldn’t be a hardship.

And I don't know why he still interrupts me, I end up perceiving it as a lack of respect for my work. Perhaps that is wrong

No you’re not wrong there. I think you’re exactly right.

All of your posts show how you bend over backwards and turn yourself inside out to accommodate him.

He’s shown how little he’s prepared to accommodate you.