How many friends have you fallen out with/cut out your life? (Or had it happen to you)

[elevenspowers]

I’m asking about friends because we choose those and we can’t choose family.

I had a childhood best friend, born two months apart, lived on the same street and our mums were best friends. She was however exceptionally snobby and I saw her cut out friends one by one, until it got to my turn. I guess because I didn’t live up to her standards anymore, I never got an explanation, she would just make excuses when I asked to meet up - so I stopped asking.

Then the friend I cut out was a compulsive liar. She used me a lot for money, lifts and then started lying about an illness. She told me she was in hospital when she was actually having her eyelashes done.

I've had a few friends who have 'faded away' either by them or me just reducing contact until it disappeared. Some because our lives took separate paths, some over politics, some over life choices. I really haven't had any regrets over those.

I've had three friends whose partners cut all their old friends out of their lives. Those lost friends we all miss terribly and regret the loss bitterly, but there's nothing we can do about it.

I've only 'fallen out/cut out' one friend. Well, I guess I fell out with her but she cut me out. She was my oldest and dearest friend of over 50 years. She'd always been a bit of a 'fantasist', but normally it was harmless and tended to be made up stories about men 'desiring' her or illnesses she was suffering from and then was 'miraculously' cured of. Basically she was harmless and she was a marvelous source of fierce support and a strong shoulder to lean on when things were bad. She also enthusiastically shared my joys.

So what happened? Her 'stories' (as DH and I called them) began to be about her son and she was saying he was doing/saying awful things to her that I know he would never do. She said he'd had her 'arrested' and that he had 'abandoned her'. In reality, he simply moved away from where she lived and she was unhappy about it. Then she started telling me lies about my own DH. That he had cheated before our marriage, that he was keeping a 'terrible secret' that she knew but couldn't tell me, although she'd throw out plenty of 'hints'. Then she tried to include my late MiL in her lies, hinting that MiL had said or done something that caused my DH 'such grief' and that was really why we moved. These were all things that were easily disprovable and flat out lies. At first I just pooh poohed but then I got angry and started to confront and push back. After one particularly nasty lie I got angry and told her to stop her lying. I told her I was going to put her on speaker so DH could hear her. She hung up on me and shortly thereafter I got a text message telling me I had been 'deleted'.

I realize now that it may be that she is going the same way as her own mother, who started losing her grip on reality at about the same age.

I've never really cut someone out of my life but I have definitely 'increased the distance' with one friend. I was her bridesmaid when she married a bloke who was basically an idiot. We all told her not to but she couldn't see his blindingly obvious terrible character. Not surprisingly he cheated on her, they divorced and she ended up really angry and bitter, except she'd take it out on me with sarcastic comments and little 'jabs' all the time. Her house got utterly filthy too and so if I ever popped round, I genuinely thought I'd catch something off the dirt and muck piled everywhere. I kept offering to help but was refused and the sarky comments continued. She'd put me down, argue with me and generally take all bitterness out on me.

In the end, I took myself out of the firing line and created some distance. We now text about once every couple of months as opposed to every other day. It was necessary for me to get away from a very toxic person

I've had friendships fade as lives moved apart but I've never deliberately cut someone out and I've never been cut off by anyone as far as I'm aware. I'm in my 50s.

I'm a liberal with a small l, though. Don't need or want my friends to all think like me or do what I do or approve of me. I don't look to them for validation and I've been lucky enough not to need to test friendships with big asks.

I’ve never cut anyone off myself. Been cut off by three people. One I never really knew why; she just started to act as if she didn’t know me anymore. One was after a difficult holiday experience (but I’d have carried on the friendship), the other after a rather disastrous night out, but again, I’d have carried on - I think some people respond to problems by freezing others out and some don’t. I’m back in touch with the third friend now but on a much reduced basis - we send chatty Xmas and bday cards but never make an effort to meet.
Other than that, have lost a lot of friends through natural drift, which I think is fairly common over the years.

My best friend we went to school, college and then we worked together. We were very close. We did everything together to the point people would joke they rarely saw one of us without the other. She tended to be the more dominate and outgoing of the two of us. People became her friend first. But I made stronger connections with other people than she did.

We went our separate ways when she went to university in another city. I struggled alone at first but eventually realised I preferred to be without her. I could do whatever I wanted without having to debate it with her. I also had several people point out how possessive and jealous of me she was. I thrived without her meanwhile she was struggling and eventually dropped out of uni and came home. But I was now busy and independent, spreading my wings. She did not like that and I did not want to drop everything or my new friends to do what she wanted. I now saw she was actually very controlling and hated me having other people in my life. I let the friendship die.

Two close friends at college. We broke up for summer, I was busy with holidays, boyfriend etc. Realised I hadn't heard from them for several weeks so tried to ring (house phone) eventually spoke to one of them who said I'd made no effort (neither had they) and basically dumped me.

When I was self employed I met a friend doing the same job we became extremely close practically inseparable. A few years later she started being horrible to me turned out because she was very over weight and I was slim she felt like I constantly flaunted my skinniness. (If I did it wasn't deliberate but I was v young so possibly a bit thoughtless)

I lost a few friends when I worked as a childminder as they brought their children to me but either messed me about with money or the friendship became a working relationship.

One of my best friends of about 15 years fell out with me when she looked after my son. He had a lot of health issues which she felt were in my head. (They weren't ) I couldn't forgive her for her lack of support either so we just stopped speaking.

I've also drifted from people when circumstances have changed - school, work etc and done the thing of feeling like I'm the only one who messages so stopped messaging and literally never heard back.

I was one of 7 girls in a house at uni. I joined them after one of the original seven dropped out.

They were nice enough but quite reckless, rather than fun. I found them cliquey and i never really bonded particularly well with them. The girl I was closest to was lovely but also hard work due to her Bipolar 2.

Once we left we did keep in touch and meet up. They came to my wedding, I went to some of theirs. Then I had my first baby, we were all in such different places that I took them off my Facebook and deleted their phones numbers. I haven't been in touch since. We were very different people and I don't regret it one bit. I'm sure they didn't feel that much of a loss over me either, we just didn't ever really gel.

I'm still good friends with people from school, a variety of places I have worked and with school mum friends. I just think the Uni group wasn't a good match.

I’ve dropped a friend twice. One was an old colleague who would just use me but never showed any interest in my life. I ghosted her after she repeatedly made excuses why she couldn’t come and see my new home after I bought my house but expected me to come to hers all the time. It was just the final straw after feeling used by her for a long time.

The one and only time I actually told someone to fuck off and blocked them everywhere was quite recent with a new friend who was incredibly toxic and got furious with for telling her in a very neutral way that her behavior made me uncomfortable (she had gotten very upset with me because I couldn’t immediately reply to some of her messages).

I don’t like to have falling outs with people if I can avoid it but I just wanted this toxicity out of my life once and for all.

I tend to find as my life changes and I’ve grown up, I’ve grown out of friendships. I had a really negative friend who I just couldn’t deal with when I also had depression so I distanced myself. Then I made a new friend but I got pregnant and moved house and her and her partner weren’t happy for us at all so we drifted. I’ve got a ‘friend’ now who only wants to talk about herself and NEVER asks me a thing about me. I’m having an operation tomorrow and she knows but doesn’t care or ask anything about it so I can see us drifting too!

I have some consistent friends as we have an enjoyable friendship with give and take.

One person, one of my closest friends from uni. She was one of those people who was amazing during term time, but the minute we went home she dropped off the face of the earth. She expected all the contact to be one way. I put up with it all through uni as I loved her so much.

Once we graduated she went home and I moved to another part of London. She would NEVER come to my part of London or even central London. If you wanted to see her you went to her.

Again, I put up with it. What I couldnt put up with was her cancelling coming to my 30th (it was central London not anywhere awkward) and suggesting we (our uni group) go do something near her.

I domt regret cutting her out, utterly selfish individul (with no anxiety etc before people jump on me). I am 37 now and she has tried numerous times to get back in touch. I am not remotely interested. Out of 5 of us only 1 person still talks to her.

I've only ever had an argument with one and refused to speak to them ever again. I don't think that is too bad in 5 decades. I am more of a distance myself and let the friendship fade away person.

For example, I am in a group of friends and I recently found out that one of them had a party and didn't invite me and another, and told everyone not to tell us. I think this is just childish. I could pull her up on it, but I suppose it is their right to do what they want. Instead I have distanced myself to polite acquaintance. She has asked us all to do a few favours for her and I just stay quiet and don't respond as I won't do anything for her ever again. It's her birthday next week and we usually go out for dinner, but unfortunately I am busy.

None but over life you have people that come into your life and over time either stay or slowly you see them less. It's a very normal process. Some people appeal when they need you or you need them.

I've got a long list...

A uni friend ghosted me after she didn't like an ex partner and we disagreed about politics. She had a point about him tbf but I was surprised about the ghosting, maybe it was just an excuse as I always felt like I wasn't middle class enough for her.

I cut another uni friend out as she made zero effort. I'd moved to her home city for work (not to be near her, I just happened to find a job there) but she made clear she didn't really have room for me in her life there and we hardly met up. The one time I reached out to her for support after a relative died, she just wasn't bothered so I got the message loud and clear.

Cut a girl at sixth form out as she lied a lot and was just a bit weird and unbalanced.

In more recent years I had to cut ties with a couple I was friendly with after I had a relationship break up as the friendship didnt work when I was single. The woman suddenly saw me as a threat although that was completely ridiculous, she even asked me if I was into her husband when she was drunk one time. I wasn't in the slightest. This couple also were getting closer to a group of other couples who had gossiped maliciously about me as a single woman for no good reason, other than I was an easy target. So I washed my hands of the lot of them and have since moved to a new area.

I think I generally made bad 'friendships' when I was younger. People who needed/ wanted sth from me at the time or were great for the fun moments but nothing more. I don't really have close friends now but I think I'm ok with that, just a few people I keep in touch with and meet up with to do something nice once in a while. Never any drama

1. Took advantage of me and my time and my petrol!

1. Just stopped seeing them. Naturally drifted apart and then heard on the grapevine they were saying nasty things about me so just never got back in touch.

1. Majorly let me down when I needed them most after repeated episodes of them being completely unreliable. Told them not to bother.

Only 1 friend many years ago. She did something that I couldn’t stand by her for, something that cost my family both emotionally and financially and is morally wrong.

I also don’t speak to my parents due to abuse. And two other family members that threatened to hurt me and others I care about. To be honest, I’m very different to most of my family so don’t have much to do with any them.

I have a group of really close friends, a partner and kids and live a quiet, drama free life with people I trust around me.

Two have cut me out, one I deserved as I was drinking too much at the time and it caused a problem. I regret that one.
The other one cut me off (for the second time, we managed to get back on track after the first) after I came out, so no big loss really.
A third friendship ended badly but mutually after I called her out because she was treating everybody around her like crap. I don't miss her in the slightest but we have mutual friends so it's a bit awkward.
With hindsight I really should have just done a slow fade and not created drama but you live and learn I suppose.

This is the best way to avoid any conflicts or drama. I’m a pretty tolerant person myself (often too much) and once I’ve reached the point of being done with a friend there’s no way back and I don’t want to waste my time and energy anymore to confront them. I quietly withdraw myself and move them in my head from ‘friend status’ to just an acquaintance.

Thankfully zero. Still very close to my childhood friends. Can’t see a reason why we would ever fall out, we share so much history and they are like family to me

I've cut one out recently.

So much drama, only contacts me when she wants something and just a negative person to be around. Feel so much better having finally done it.

We were very close but after being on a small road trip where she tried to say I owed her more money than I actually did, and a multitude of other small annoyances I have stopped responding because I just can't be arsed.

2 in all. One was unpleasant to me and apologised for her behaviour in the end. Friendship however was done. I see her on occasion (she is still friends with ppl i know) will do surface chit chat but we have had no relationship for 8 yrs.

Other would talk about herself for 2hrs at a time I would get 5 mins in back to her. I generally accommodated but then DH would point out the one sidedness of the conversations and I just found it tedious in the end so I halted that relationship. She was also one of those that got annoyed if you didn't actively seek her out. refused to understand that it worked both ways. So wouldnt check in either but I would get a telling off about not being in contact sooner. She fell out with a lot of people though. Glad that's done with. No idea why I bothered for so long.

None.

Maybe I am more discerning at the beginning ?

Haven't fallen out with any friends, usually just grown apart.

Only friend I did fall out with or rather phase out politely was one who didn't believe my chronic illnesses and told me "I have to get on with life otherwise I'll never achieve anything."
and also became abusive when I wouldn't agree to plans due to chronic fatigue etc. and would literally kick off at her partner every single time and I felt terribly guilty on her poor partner so ditched her as she was unhealthily clingy.

@cottagegardenflower Yes that’ll be it. You saw everything a person was, or ever would be, as soon as you met them, and were able to make a perfect judgement then. Congratulations.

In the last few years, I realised that a lot of people who I thought were friends just weren't. I lost two babies shortly after birth, three years apart. A few "friends" distanced themselves. They would go silent or change the subject if I needed to talk and would never take the time to contact me first, even in the early days. Other friends didn't like the new boundaries I set to protect my mental health- in other words, I wouldn't put myself last anymore and they were not used to it.

On the flip side, some people have been so amazing, patient and compassionate to me so I've got fewer friends but truer friends.