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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a 14yo meet a stranger from the Internet?

66 replies

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 20:58

14yo DD is shocked and appalled at the depths of my unreasonableness.

Apparently she's been talking to a boy for about a week who has added her on Snapchat. (I didn't actually know strangers could add you if they didn't already have your contact details, or I wouldn't have let her have it)

The boy goes to a school in a near-ish town where DD and her mates go shopping. Same year as DD. Apparently she sort of knows a girl who is his friend.

She asked if she could catch the train to go meet him (on her own) and is incensed that I said no. She's hurt that I don't trust her judgment and she's sure he's genuine, etc.

I wouldn't mind taking her to a specific location like the skating rink or laser tag if she wanted to meet him there, where I could meet the kid and verify who he is.

But surely people don't just let their teenagers go off on their own to meet strangers from Snapchat, do they? It sounds like something you'd see on one of those paedophile sting videos.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 29/05/2022 21:02

You're absolutely right to be cautious

josil · 29/05/2022 21:03

YADNBU, I wasn't even allowed boyfriends at 14!!

Giveitall · 29/05/2022 21:03

You are her parent. You make the rules.

Coasterfan · 29/05/2022 21:04

YANBU. I let my 14 year old meet up with a boy she met on line but they had been talking since March 2020 (this was November 2021) I drove her the 70 miles to his city, they went to Pizza Hut and the cinema and I sat in the car outside the whole time in case she needed me. When they first started talking I checked him out on FaceTime to ensure he was actually a 12 year old boy and his mum did the same.

I think I did all I could to put the appropriate safeguards in place but I would nt let her go off on her own to meet someone she had been talking to for a week.

axolotlfloof · 29/05/2022 21:06

My son's friend did exactly this when he first met his girlfriend.
The girl brought 2 friends with her - very sensible. She definitely shouldn't go alone.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 21:08

Christ alive, no way.

Whoareyoumyfriend · 29/05/2022 21:09

Don't advise it but I snuck off at the age of 13 to.meet up with someone I met on a chat room. I'm 35 now and he's still a dear friend of mine. Try to facilitate it if you can convince her

bbqhulahoop · 29/05/2022 21:10

Seriously, May I recommend looking up web of lies on YouTube and making her watch specific episodes? Also let her safeguarding lead at school know they're failing in their esafety agenda. There's loads of amazing support resources for parents too if you need them!

lanthanum · 29/05/2022 21:10

You need her to engage with the safety aspect, otherwise next time she goes to town with her friends she may just arrange to split off from them to meet up with him without your knowledge.

However certain she is that he's just another 14 year old, she needs to be taking precautions JUST IN CASE HE ISN'T, which means definitely not meeting up with him on her own. Even if you take her to meet him, you still need to be cautious in case the youngster she meets is being used. And for that matter, if she's only known him a week, how does she know he isn't just looking for people to extend his drug-dealing to?

Marjoriesdoor · 29/05/2022 21:11

Please do not let her go. At the very most I would agree to letting them meet up in a crowded cafe where you’re sitting at the next table. It sounds alarmist but there are many case studies where teens have been murdered or raped by adults pretending to be an average 14 year old on social media. They are very good at what they do and know exactly what to say in order to sound convincing. Please report this to the police if you get an inkling that all is not what it seems.

Chattycatty · 29/05/2022 21:16

I'd take her. She could sneak off otherwise. it's better to help her meet him safely than to go on her own without your knowledge. She's 14 she's not thinking of the safety issues.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 29/05/2022 21:16

Hell no, not a chance.
YANBU!!

rnsaslkih · 29/05/2022 21:18

She should not have anyone on there who she doesn’t know in real life. It would be extremely reckless to meet a random like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2022 21:19

YANBU why can’t she meet him in groups of friends? If she refuses, I would drive her as has been suggested. You don’t know this boy at all.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 29/05/2022 21:20

I'd take her. She could sneak off otherwise. it's better to help her meet him safely than to go on her own without your knowledge.

Although my initital reaction was hell no not a chance, I think this is a better option.
As I have two teenagers and if you say no doesn't mean they won't do it anyway!
So maybe take her there and see him with your own eyes to put your mind at ease a bit?
Then just stay in the same area and have a mooch round the shops or whatever.
Make sure has a fully charged phone with credit on her and let her know she can text you if she changes her mind/wants to leave.
Maybe some kind of pre thought out word she could text so that you could ring her up pretending some kind of emergency and has to come home?!
Over thinking now lol but better safe than sorry!

Original poster

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 21:23

I feel bad that we argued about it instead of talking it through, but she was taking a tone that just brought my hackles right up, and I said I needed to come away.

The thing is, even if the kid is exactly who he says he is, I wish she wasn't quite so doe-eyed right off the bat. She says,"But he's a really lovely person and so genuine..."

Of course he is! Aren't they all? If guys led by saying they kick pigeons as a hobby and only change their pants once a fortnight, no one would ever go meet them.

OP posts:

TokyoTen · 29/05/2022 21:24

YANBU. Although I met DH on a chat group (before there were websites and apps) 27+ years ago. Still together and very happy. I travelled 4 hours to see him in spite of only talking to him on line (no videos calls then). So I wouldn't let her go by herself but I'd accompany her and keep an open mind.

Original poster

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 21:27

Actually, the drug dealing is a hell of a good point. County Lines gangs are everywhere, and especially in the twins with train stations.

She did say "You're lucky I even told you", which makes me think splitting off from friends is an idea that has occurred to her.

OP posts:

Darbs76 · 29/05/2022 21:27

My DD is 14, absolutely not a chance

Original poster

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 21:27

towns, not twins

OP posts:

cornflakedreams · 29/05/2022 21:34

Just because someone is who they say they are that doesn't mean they can't be grooming you or a rapist.

She's 14. She clearly has no idea of the risks she's taking or what people are capable of.

And I'm not sure you do either if you think the only risk is that he's a different age/identity to the one he's given. Teenagers can groom, abuse, rape and murder just as easily as middle aged men.

He's clearly on a fishing expedition - cast the net wide and see which vulnerable / naive girl takes the bait.

cornflakedreams · 29/05/2022 21:37

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 21:23

I feel bad that we argued about it instead of talking it through, but she was taking a tone that just brought my hackles right up, and I said I needed to come away.

The thing is, even if the kid is exactly who he says he is, I wish she wasn't quite so doe-eyed right off the bat. She says,"But he's a really lovely person and so genuine..."

Of course he is! Aren't they all? If guys led by saying they kick pigeons as a hobby and only change their pants once a fortnight, no one would ever go meet them.

Tbf I would probably have lost my temper at that breathtakingly dangerous level of naivety.

Of course people who are fishing for gullible victims are going to pretend to be lovely, ffs.

Teenagers are terrifying sometimes with their incapacity to comprehend the dangers they're putting themselves in.

cornflakedreams · 29/05/2022 21:39

She thinks she's special, right? That he picked her?

Guaranteed he will have targeted tens or hundreds of girls to increase his odds of successfully reeling in at least one.

She's not special.

youdroppedthis · 29/05/2022 21:41

She's 14. What judgement?

What frame of reference does she have? Does she even have any knowledge of trafficking or abuse or whatnot?

Seems she needs to.

LondonQueen · 29/05/2022 21:42

He is more than likely genuine but your DD needs to release that not everyone online is who they say they are.

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