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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a 14yo meet a stranger from the Internet?

66 replies

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 20:58

14yo DD is shocked and appalled at the depths of my unreasonableness.

Apparently she's been talking to a boy for about a week who has added her on Snapchat. (I didn't actually know strangers could add you if they didn't already have your contact details, or I wouldn't have let her have it)

The boy goes to a school in a near-ish town where DD and her mates go shopping. Same year as DD. Apparently she sort of knows a girl who is his friend.

She asked if she could catch the train to go meet him (on her own) and is incensed that I said no. She's hurt that I don't trust her judgment and she's sure he's genuine, etc.

I wouldn't mind taking her to a specific location like the skating rink or laser tag if she wanted to meet him there, where I could meet the kid and verify who he is.

But surely people don't just let their teenagers go off on their own to meet strangers from Snapchat, do they? It sounds like something you'd see on one of those paedophile sting videos.

OP posts:

cherrymax · 30/05/2022 06:10

Aside from advice given about meeting this boy, you need to be looking at her settings on social media etc to make sure she can't be added by randoms on Snapchat and other platforms @WhoWants2Know

MintyMoocow · 30/05/2022 06:14

The world has changed, they do meet this way now. There are very good odds that it is all legitimate. I would drive her to meet him, wait with her until he turns up and let them go and hang out for a few hours.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2022 06:18

He could be a real 14 year old boy but I think you’re right to want to check that beforehand and take her to the meeting if she wants to do it

Cassy0110 · 30/05/2022 06:23

Is he a real person and not a man 32 y.o.? If it's really a boy of her age, why not

eurochick · 30/05/2022 07:04

You need to be very cautious. Look at this cautionary tale.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder offBreckBednar

Shakeupandwakeup · 30/05/2022 07:08

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 21:27

Actually, the drug dealing is a hell of a good point. County Lines gangs are everywhere, and especially in the twins with train stations.

She did say "You're lucky I even told you", which makes me think splitting off from friends is an idea that has occurred to her.

I would use that comment to work with her. You are lucky she even told you and you are grateful and perhaps she can see that by telling you she is aware that it is a potentially dangerous act even if it feels safe. The people who mould themselves into your ideal are the least trustworthy.

I let DS go and meet an internet stranger when he was a young teen. I also insisted their mum and me came too. We all met in a cool cafe and when we realised they were both who they said they were, we allowed them on a date in London by themselves, with us hanging out at nearby cafes.

coodawoodashooda · 30/05/2022 07:12

bbqhulahoop · 29/05/2022 21:10

Seriously, May I recommend looking up web of lies on YouTube and making her watch specific episodes? Also let her safeguarding lead at school know they're failing in their esafety agenda. There's loads of amazing support resources for parents too if you need them!

Is that suitable for younger children?

McPie · 30/05/2022 08:01

That would definitely be a no danger from me!
My 15yo niece went to meet a "boy" she was talking to online to exchange christmas presents, when she arrived he messaged and said something last minute had came up but his "older brother" (in his 40's) would be there to swap presents.
He attacked and raped her after she left the flat, she didn't know it was him as he had his face covered. She went back to the flat as he was the only person in the area she knew and he took her home on the bus!
When the police were investigating things didn't add up and it turned out that he had groomed over 100 young girls! Thanks to my niece he was jailed for 15 years, shame he only served 7, and will be on licence for a very long time.
Cautionary tale that not everyone online is who they say they are and my niece was understandably messed up big time!

meltypuff · 30/05/2022 08:25

bbqhulahoop · 29/05/2022 21:10

Not the schools fault - they deal with the fallout with parents not doing their job!

Wavygravy1 · 30/05/2022 08:32

YANBU. When I was that age I went with my friend to meet someone she met on the internet. He was a lot older than us. My friend ended up pregnant and having an abortion.

CamoTeaLaLa · 30/05/2022 08:34

Poor OP 💐 I remember being a teen and thinking my DPs were literally insane for not taking everything I said seriously. I was deeply wounded on a regular basis, poor me 😂

It is of note that he wanted her to go to him. If he was a nice teen boy taking his teen steps into a teen friendship/relationship he could have suggested he come to her, even discounting the logistics. That’s what nice keen teens do, right? It’s a learning point for your DD that some men are lazy and assume women will do the running. When she’s older she can reflect that if someone is not making an effort or matching her logistically, they are trying to take advantage in some way.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 30/05/2022 08:36

‘Also let her safeguarding lead at school know they're failing in their esafety agenda.’

some people will blame anything on a school!

have all teens who get pregnant been failed by their biology and PHSE lessons too??

Shakeupandwakeup · 30/05/2022 08:37

Cassy0110 · 30/05/2022 06:23

Is he a real person and not a man 32 y.o.? If it's really a boy of her age, why not

Please watch the documentary about Breck Bednar. Just because a stranger is of your age group doesn't make them a safe person to meet in a strange town with no one who knows you near by.

AlisonDonut · 30/05/2022 08:41

What does 'secret gamer girl' conjure up in your head?

Now google it.

Look at his photos. Yes his photos.

No way personally would I let 'teenagers' who have met online meet up.

Marvellousmadness · 30/05/2022 08:49

Im not sure if you handled this situation the best. As the next time she wont ask for your permission anymore and will just do it secretly...

ldontWanna · 30/05/2022 09:38

YANBU and I say this as someone who did this a lot in her teen years. Luckily it never went wrong. Also ,whatever "safety"measures I had seem ridiculous now as an adult.

This will come up again, and you need to have an honest and open relationship with her. She needs to learn the dangers and how to protect herself. What to do if things are iffy and to trust her instincts.

Reinforce the fact that this is not about her judgement. No one can accurately assess and judge someone they have never met. It's not her you don't trust, it's him. Because you don't know him and neither does she in reality.

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