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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let a 14yo meet a stranger from the Internet?

66 replies

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 20:58

14yo DD is shocked and appalled at the depths of my unreasonableness.

Apparently she's been talking to a boy for about a week who has added her on Snapchat. (I didn't actually know strangers could add you if they didn't already have your contact details, or I wouldn't have let her have it)

The boy goes to a school in a near-ish town where DD and her mates go shopping. Same year as DD. Apparently she sort of knows a girl who is his friend.

She asked if she could catch the train to go meet him (on her own) and is incensed that I said no. She's hurt that I don't trust her judgment and she's sure he's genuine, etc.

I wouldn't mind taking her to a specific location like the skating rink or laser tag if she wanted to meet him there, where I could meet the kid and verify who he is.

But surely people don't just let their teenagers go off on their own to meet strangers from Snapchat, do they? It sounds like something you'd see on one of those paedophile sting videos.

OP posts:
Kedece2410 · 29/05/2022 21:42

My niece met a couple of Internet friends when she was 15. However they met at a city station & they all brought a parent. Parents exchanged phone numbers & they went away on their own but they had to agree to meet back with parents after 2 hours & see how things were going, then they headed off for another 2 hours before all heading home

They were told parents going was non negotiable but were all.fine with it. They met up several times after that, but on their own

There's not necessarily anything wrong with meeting people but at that age they need to accept there are rules or restrictions

failing40s · 29/05/2022 21:45

YADNBU

Winniewonka · 29/05/2022 21:45

Call her bluff. If the boy is genuine, why doesn't he come to your place instead? Tell her if he is so keen to meet her, then he won't object to coming to your place for something to eat. Why should she be the one travelling?
I'm all for teenagers gaining some independence but not to be meeting a random stranger.

PatAndFrank · 29/05/2022 21:48

She’s be getting a lecture on the dangers of talking too and meeting people on the internet. Is she aware of the dangers? This “boy” could be anyone. Don’t let her. Make sure she doesn’t just bunk off school and do. You do not know the boy is genuine. Tell her of the dangers. Show her from the news, articles on the web about can happen

cobayo · 29/05/2022 21:49

At school we showed the video Kayleigh's Love Story to warn the kids about the dangers of meeting strangers they've only met online. It's so upsetting, utterly shocking and although I haven't seen it for a number of years now, it stayed with me. That poor girl. Maybe if you check it out, it might help you get the message over to your daughter that you're not just being an over protective mum? There's no way on earth I'd let her go alone, I might just consider dropping her off at a public meeting place on the condition I could wait outside to take her home afterwards. Some young people are too trusting and unfortunately we live in a world where not every person is who they portray themselves to be. You're so very right to be cautious

Readtheroom · 29/05/2022 21:52

She may think you want to stick around and five them no time to themselves. Tell her to ask him if they can go roller skating etc or to a cafe or the theatre/cinema. Say you'll verify who is who he says he is at drop off then you can stay nearby and pick her up later.

AnElegantChaos · 29/05/2022 21:57

Winniewonka · 29/05/2022 21:45

Call her bluff. If the boy is genuine, why doesn't he come to your place instead? Tell her if he is so keen to meet her, then he won't object to coming to your place for something to eat. Why should she be the one travelling?
I'm all for teenagers gaining some independence but not to be meeting a random stranger.

I think this is probably the best approach, especially if you think she could go behind your back and meet him. You could suggest you'll make yourself scarce when he comes round.

Or you go with her, just to see the person she's meeting, and she could tell him her mum was going to in the same area anyway - what a coincidence! And then toodle off once you deem the situation to be safe!

100% right to be cautious.

HillCrestingGoat · 29/05/2022 21:59

I did a safeguarding course. The most terrifying aspect was we live near a shopping mall. Several of the women on this course were Mums who allowed their teens girls around 13/14 years old to go to the mall. What the safeguarding team told us is that older men befriend teenage boys, buy them computer games, alcohol etc, not at the mall but that is where they meet them. Then they use the teenage boys to talk to teenage girls. They then get introduced as a friend, a friend with money who can buy you that top, that bag, some perfume etc and start grooming the girls. Older men chatting to teen girls is considered creepy. Teen boys chatting to teen girls, perfectly normal. That is their in.

Also Kayleigh's story is on YouTube. This is a boy who she has been talking to for a week. Of course she feels special and amazing.

Readtheroom · 29/05/2022 22:01

She may think you want to stick around and give them no time to themselves. Its quite patronising aged 14 to have your mum there listening in on conversations. Tell her to discuss with him what they want to do together, where they want to meet up. Say you'll verify who is who he says he is at drop off then you can stay nearby and pick her up later or chat with his mum whilst they do their own thing.

CaptSkippy · 29/05/2022 22:02

Let her watch Childhood 2.0. I think it's free on Youtube. It deals exactly with the kind of danger kids face these days. Thankfully you are not as clueless as most parents.

Eightiesfan · 29/05/2022 22:12

When my nieces were teens, I would always tell them that that ‘cute’ boy with the floppy fringe they were messaging was most likely a 40-year-old pervert sat chatting to them in his underwear.

You are right not to let her meet anyone she meets online, even if this means you are ruining her social life. 🙄

Lightsoutallout · 29/05/2022 22:15

You're not being unreasonable at all.

However... I was a mischievous 14 year old once and made up many lies about who I was seeing/ what I was doing to my parents. So I guess your daughter has a point when she says you're lucky I'm telling you.. as cheeky as that may seem!

I would try to facilitate the meet with as much safeguarding as possible (without embarrassing her and putting her off telling you next time). If that means that you go with her and watch them at the next table through eye holes in a newspaper wait in the car then so be it.

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 22:16

Don't break her trust here - next time she might not tell you.

Has she spoken to him?

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/05/2022 22:19

You need to ask!

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 22:21

You should be very proud that she told you and because of that I would be very careful how you handle it - if you go in too hard then she may not tell you in the future.

This is how young people meet nowadays so he could be who he says he is but we all know that there are many weirdos on the internet.

Its either she meets up with you dropping her off and knowing where she’s going or she doesn’t go out at all.

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 22:28

I've made sure her dad knows the situation and isn't going to be giving her lifts anywhere unless it's cleared with me. We're miles from the nearest station so I'm not worried about her sneaking out.

I reminded her of some friendships she developed at school where the kids didn't turn out to be as nice as they seemed at first, and I think that's hit home.

But she's still feeling very wounded that I haven't just trusted her judgment.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 22:30

Readtheroom · 29/05/2022 22:01

She may think you want to stick around and give them no time to themselves. Its quite patronising aged 14 to have your mum there listening in on conversations. Tell her to discuss with him what they want to do together, where they want to meet up. Say you'll verify who is who he says he is at drop off then you can stay nearby and pick her up later or chat with his mum whilst they do their own thing.

That's what I said would need to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2022 22:31

Onwards22 · 29/05/2022 22:21

You should be very proud that she told you and because of that I would be very careful how you handle it - if you go in too hard then she may not tell you in the future.

This is how young people meet nowadays so he could be who he says he is but we all know that there are many weirdos on the internet.

Its either she meets up with you dropping her off and knowing where she’s going or she doesn’t go out at all.

That's a good point.

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 29/05/2022 22:32

No way. YANBU at all.

Shakeupandwakeup · 29/05/2022 22:37

YADNBU. Way better to be that awful mum ruining her love life than allow your child to be at risk. If he wants to meet her, he can come to your house.

It's really grim, but I made DC watch the Breck Bednar documentary. Nothing is more heartbreaking.

twoandcooplease · 30/05/2022 01:45

Yanbu. Although, I met my first bf via Bebo and MSN when I was 14. That was only 14 years ago but things are very different now.

I think you would be right to go with pp's advice around going with her etc and more. Like ft the boy and mum but dint rush the meet if you can hold it off a bit

twoandcooplease · 30/05/2022 01:54

Try and keep note of every little detail she does tell you or you can remember she's told you since meeting him too
Just in case

Nat6999 · 30/05/2022 03:34

Show her all the videos on Facebook of the paedophile hunters catching adults claiming to be children online, it should frighten her to death.

ElenaSt · 30/05/2022 04:02

At that age my daughter was the big know all about dangers on the internet and laughed at my 'lectures' telling her to be careful.

So I set up a fake FB profile using a photo of a boy from the internet and a made up name. She readily accepted.

She then had to admit that she was wrong.

I don't know what snapchat is as I don't have it/use it but is it definitely the boy sending messages?

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 30/05/2022 05:01

Could either you or her Dad drive her to the town, then pick her up a few hours later?
I wouldn't be comfortable with one of my daughters hopping on a train to meet an unknown entity in a different town for the first time, but I'd definitely facilitate a meeting and try not to hover too protectively over my mid teen.