Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To have not invited her?

72 replies

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:10

I'll try and be brief;

We're getting married this week, and a friend has just messaged to cancel, on the basis that we didn't invite someone else and she doesn't agree with it.

Scenario is 8 girls in one friendship group. 7 of us used to spend a lot of time together when we were all single, the 8th (let's call her C) would join occasionally. Since the pandemic we're all in relationships and 2 have moved away. We've drifted apart some but still speak / meet up semi-regularly.

I've never at any point met up with or even spoken to C outside of the group scenario. We're not friends in our own right.

When it came to planning our wedding we wanted to keep it small and intimate. We invited the other girls, plus their partners since we know them. We didn't invite C in

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 29/05/2022 18:12

It seems a tad dramatic of your friend to cancel for this reason. Is she closer with C than you are, and has C maybe been bending her ear about this?

Kitkatcatflap · 29/05/2022 18:15

Sorry but your friend can't or doesn't want attend your wedding and is using this as a last minute excuse. It's not you, it's her

Original poster

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:16

Gah posted too soon!

We didn't invite C because I don't feel she's a friend and I don't think we particularly even like each other.

Invites went out in January, nobody has ever said a word, until now 4 days out when one of the other girls has piped up that she won't becoming because we didn't invite C and she doesn't think it's right. Her choice, I won't fall out with her over it.

C has never said a word at any point and when we saw her last weekend at an event was fine / normal with us. I would not expect to be invited to anything more important than a girls night out by her.

So, failed at being brief, but AIBU not to have invited someone I barely know despite her being part of the same circle of friends?

OP posts:

thefirstmrsrochester · 29/05/2022 18:16

Your wedding, your guest list.

Seconding friend C doing bidding on behalf of friend 8.

Friend C is being wildly dramatic.

thefirstmrsrochester · 29/05/2022 18:17

Sorry, got the friends mixed up.

SnackSizeRaisin · 29/05/2022 18:18

The group thing is always awkward, I have a big friendship group (much bigger than 8) and some of our friends have invited everyone even though they don't know some of them outside the group (wouldn't have their phone number or contact them ever, just see them at group meet ups). Some have left some people out which does always create some talk and bad feeling. Although I am sure everyone knows the reasoning for not inviting everyone, it still doesn't feel nice when all your friends are talking about an event you aren't invited to. However I wouldn't not go just because someone else wasn't invited so yanbu.

OwlinaTree · 29/05/2022 18:19

I can kind of see how it's a bit mean to leave c out if she is part of the group. Tricky one.

IcedOatLatte · 29/05/2022 18:19

You can invite whoever you choose to your wedding and those invited can decide whether to attend or not, nothing unreasonable there but it is rude to drop out at short notice without a valid reason. This doesn't sound like a valid reason and I wouldn't be surprised if there's something else going one behind the scenes.

LetHimHaveIt · 29/05/2022 18:19

Oh, I dunno. 7 out of 8 friends invited seems a bit pointed. And you don't really see her . . . but happened to see her last weekend?
I think it's likely the other friend doesn't want to come anyway and is using it as an excuse, but it sounds slightly off.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 29/05/2022 18:20

Not BU at all! The person who has suddenly announced they're not coming, could have spoken up about this a long time ago by the sound of it, so in all honesty, if this is the real reason she's cancelled I'd be very surprised. Sounds like she's had what she thinks is a better offer, and if that's the case, I'd be glad she's not coming.

KyaClark · 29/05/2022 18:22

It does feel a little mean to exclude one friend from the friendship group.

Original poster

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:27

@LetHimHaveIt We were at a charity event last weekend, supporting one of the group who was involved in it. It's the first time I'd seen C in person since I can't actually remember when. I'd guess it was last summer, probably someone's birthday.

If I'd know prior to today that anyone was upset by it (I actually still don't know if C is even bothered herself) then I'd have extended an invite.

OP posts:

AngelinaFangelina · 29/05/2022 18:28

Just the one left out seems a bit spiteful/mean girls, even if it wasn't intended. Groups are always difficult. I would probably have done all or only a couple/none if you have all drifted anyway.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 29/05/2022 18:29

KyaClark · 29/05/2022 18:22

It does feel a little mean to exclude one friend from the friendship group.

I agree.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 29/05/2022 18:32

Yabu I think. It was unkind to not invite someone you’re in a current group with

Lime37 · 29/05/2022 18:32

I think it’s really mean I could never not invite one of a group.

emsyj37 · 29/05/2022 18:34

Probably your friend had assumed everyone was invited and has dropped out on discovering one person out of 8 was left out. I think it is very petty and 'mean girls' to exclude one person out of a group. I'm surprised anyone has had the balls to stand with her though, usually people just go along with it. I wonder if there is more backstory here to have triggered this show of solidarity.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 29/05/2022 18:39

The one who dropped out seems like a nice person.
you, however thought it acceptable to leave one person out of a group of 8 out.
I guess some people never grow out of being school bullies/mean girls.

HoobleDooble · 29/05/2022 18:41

Tell her you'll mark her down as a no ... then invite C to fill the space 😁

Seriously though, it's up to nobody else but you who you invite to your wedding, don't let anyone try to strongarm you into inviting someone you're not that bothered about having there. At least that's 2 people you don't have to pay for sugared almonds for ... always a bright side!

Smileyaxolotl1 · 29/05/2022 18:41

AngelinaFangelina
totally agree.
for my wedding I had lists of people in different friendship groups/hobby groups I attend. For each one it was the whole group or none.

Original poster

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:41

To clarify the 7 of us used to hang out together every weekend, we holidayed together, spoke regularly etc.

C would join a night out maybe once every 3 months. As I said above, so far as I can remember I've seen her in person once since last summer.

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpy · 29/05/2022 18:43

i see your point op and it’s rude to say so near the wedding unless she didn’t know until recently that she wasn’t invited which it sounds like .still not on to say something now as it’s too late to extend the invite. Perhaps C isn’t bothered and understands that hey your not as close to her than the others but leaving 1 person out is a bit off surely you can see that’s why your friend feels it’s not on . The excuse that you’ve not really seen her well a lot if people haven’t seen much of their friends the last couple of years . I’d be annoyed if someone I considered a friend excluded me from the wedding because we hadn’t seen much of her recently.

burnoutbabe · 29/05/2022 18:45

I don't know I gave one group where I met all the people through one person. So if I organise a time out I invite her plus one and 2 others but she works invite a few more. Now I like those people and we have been on group holidays but we would not invite each other to our weddings.

I have been the other way and assumed I works not get a wedding invite from a friend of a friend but I did, maybe it worked well with table ordering as enough for one table with me and another single male. But i Would have been fine with no invite (bar if they spent all our nights out chatting only about that!)

JustHereWithPopcorn · 29/05/2022 18:46

If a friend messaged me, a few days before my wedding to say she wouldn't be coming because of a shit reason like that, she wouldn't be my friend anymore. I wouldn't reply and would probably never talk to her again.

CorvusPurpureus · 29/05/2022 18:49

If I were C, I couldn't imagine being less bothered. She's on the periphery of a group because she's mates with someone - not you - in the group.

If I were C, & barely knew you except as someone who was a member of a group I'd last socialised with a year ago because we had a mutual, then, no offence as I'm sure you're lovely, but the thought of present/childcare/travelling to attend your wedding would be a faff I wouldn't want to be bothered with. I'd be politely making excuses anyway.

Your mutual friend is being a total drama llama. Let her crack on.

Flip

1 2 3