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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not invited her?

72 replies

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:10

I'll try and be brief;

We're getting married this week, and a friend has just messaged to cancel, on the basis that we didn't invite someone else and she doesn't agree with it.

Scenario is 8 girls in one friendship group. 7 of us used to spend a lot of time together when we were all single, the 8th (let's call her C) would join occasionally. Since the pandemic we're all in relationships and 2 have moved away. We've drifted apart some but still speak / meet up semi-regularly.

I've never at any point met up with or even spoken to C outside of the group scenario. We're not friends in our own right.

When it came to planning our wedding we wanted to keep it small and intimate. We invited the other girls, plus their partners since we know them. We didn't invite C in

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 29/05/2022 18:49

That’s a ridiculous reason. Is it definitely true or has she realises she’s double booked herself?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 29/05/2022 18:49

*realised

IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2022 18:51

Tell her thanks for letting you know she won't be attending.

Leave it at that.

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:52

@gettingolderandgrumpy Friend B has known since February who was invited.

Regarding your point about not having seen her, I've never seen her regularly, the pandemic hasn't changed that. She only ever joined the group now and again, and as I said in my OP, I've never actually considered us to be friends, just people with friends in common.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:53

@CorvusPurpureus Quite. Another of the group is getting married later in the year. C is invited. She's not going!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/05/2022 18:55

ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:41

To clarify the 7 of us used to hang out together every weekend, we holidayed together, spoke regularly etc.

C would join a night out maybe once every 3 months. As I said above, so far as I can remember I've seen her in person once since last summer.

How was she a part of your group?

Who was she friends with?

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 18:58

@Nanny0gg

She's known 3 of the group for years (they're from the same home town).

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 29/05/2022 19:00

The one you didn't invite is hardly going to be bothered about celebrating your wedding as she barely knows you.

What it is really about is them all getting together for a jolly at your expense and absolutely nothing to do with wanting to see you and your husband to be joined in holy matrimony.

redskyatnight · 29/05/2022 19:06

I think it's a bit pointed to not invite 7 and not the 8th. 8 is a large enough number that you are inevitably likely to be closer to some of the group than others. And if you're inviting (at least) 7 friends and their partners, it's hardly a very small intimate wedding.

That said, dropping out now for that reason, was very weird. It would have been more sensible to have raised this when invitations went out.

MargaretThursday · 29/05/2022 19:13

I wonder if there's more to it, even if the OP doesn't realise.

Certainly on MN when people feel they've been missed out in similar situations often people complain about the people who have accepted the invite too, saying they wouldn't feel comfortable going knowing someone had been left out.

I'd guess with the timing of seeing C last weekend, I'd guess the subject came up. They'd all assumed you had invited all 8 friends, and so they were talking, and C said she hadn't been invited. She may have been a bit upset if everyone was talking about it too-even while potentially knowing that it was a reasonable decision it can still be a bit disconcerting to find out in front of everyone.

I'd say that OP has a choice:


  1. "Thank you for letting me know" to friend. You may lose that friendship as neither of you will see each other in the same light.

  2. Explain why you didn't invite C. Chances are friend won't agree, but you may feel better for explaining, and you may be able to discuss it through.

  3. Invite C and apologise for leaving her out. Depends on how much you want to salvage the group friendship here. You then message other friend and say you hadn't really seen it in that light before she said that, and now you've invited C. That does leave you potentially open to her assuming you can be pushed into inviting more people though...


I'd probably go for 1, and hope it smooths over.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 19:15

Your "friend" wants out of coming and is using this as an excuse

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 19:19

@MargaretThursday I've done both of your first two points and now I will leave it.

There's another wedding in the group later in the year where we'll all be together (less C who has declined) so no point holding onto bad feeling about it.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 29/05/2022 19:22

Are these adults😂

how embarrassing

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 19:26

You aren’t a child bride are you OP?!

This sounds nuts.

I would post a no worries to your other friend, who is presumably using it as an excuse to get out of coming and crack on.

SemperIdem · 29/05/2022 19:27

To be honest, I’d have probably done a token invite for the evening for her.

However your mutual friend refusing to attend as she’s not invited it ridiculously childish.

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 19:28

MargaretThursday · 29/05/2022 19:13

I wonder if there's more to it, even if the OP doesn't realise.

Certainly on MN when people feel they've been missed out in similar situations often people complain about the people who have accepted the invite too, saying they wouldn't feel comfortable going knowing someone had been left out.

I'd guess with the timing of seeing C last weekend, I'd guess the subject came up. They'd all assumed you had invited all 8 friends, and so they were talking, and C said she hadn't been invited. She may have been a bit upset if everyone was talking about it too-even while potentially knowing that it was a reasonable decision it can still be a bit disconcerting to find out in front of everyone.

I'd say that OP has a choice:


  1. "Thank you for letting me know" to friend. You may lose that friendship as neither of you will see each other in the same light.

  2. Explain why you didn't invite C. Chances are friend won't agree, but you may feel better for explaining, and you may be able to discuss it through.

  3. Invite C and apologise for leaving her out. Depends on how much you want to salvage the group friendship here. You then message other friend and say you hadn't really seen it in that light before she said that, and now you've invited C. That does leave you potentially open to her assuming you can be pushed into inviting more people though...


I'd probably go for 1, and hope it smooths over.

Give over, this isn’t a 16th birthday party. They are adults. The OP doesn’t need to do any of this crap.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 29/05/2022 19:30

How do you even define this group, and why is C considered to be part of it?

It's odd to feel you 'have' to invite someone who is not a friend to your wedding day, just to protect other people's feelings.

Confusion101 · 29/05/2022 19:31

I think YABU for not inviting her, especially seeing as the rest of the group got 2 invites essentially (1 for them, 1.for other halves)! I am not married myself but have had 2 bride friends in this scenario and they just extended the invite for the sake of one more person!

But I also think your friend is being absolutely ridiculous! It has nothing got to do with her and if she really had an issue she shouldve voiced it in Feb when you possibly could've done something about it, not 1 week to the wedding! Leave her off. You will have a great day with or without these in attendance!!

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 19:34

@SemperIdem If we were having evening guests we would have invited her, but everyone is all day.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 29/05/2022 19:38

That’s fair enough @ImInStealthMode . I do think the mutual friend is being ridiculous but that’s very much a her problem.

I hope you have a lovely wedding day!

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 19:39

@Confusion101 I see your point, but we actually know all the other halves better than we know C, due to the frequency with which we see them compared to her.

OP posts:
NotYourOscarSpeech · 29/05/2022 19:43

I wonder if others - including friend B - viewed the group dynamic with C as just a “periphery” friend differently to how you did, and therefore to them it seems like you’re being mean/excluding one person only.

Kitkatcatflap · 29/05/2022 19:45

What do the other members of the group say about your friend dropping out?

Out of interest, will your friends have to travel/stay over at your wedding? Will it take up more than one day? Have you asked for money?

Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 19:47

NotYourOscarSpeech · 29/05/2022 19:43

I wonder if others - including friend B - viewed the group dynamic with C as just a “periphery” friend differently to how you did, and therefore to them it seems like you’re being mean/excluding one person only.

I think that's probably about nailed it.

I don't even have C's phone number. I checked and we've exchanged about a dozen messages on social media since 2017, all information exchange ('We'll be there at 7.30') rather than chit-chat.

I've never met up with her individually as I have done with all the others.

I explained this to friend B but only after I'd accepted her cancellation, I wasn't trying to persuade her to change her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImInStealthMode · 29/05/2022 19:49

Kitkatcatflap · 29/05/2022 19:45

What do the other members of the group say about your friend dropping out?

Out of interest, will your friends have to travel/stay over at your wedding? Will it take up more than one day? Have you asked for money?

Nobody else has said a thing.

No travel costs at all (we've paid for coaches to the venue and back) no overnight stay required, day runs from 2pm-10.30pm, no requests for money.

OP posts:
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