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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go on strike for cleaning his mess only

54 replies

Sophie1029734 · 29/05/2022 10:19

Hi everyone, I'm a sahm of a 2 year old. I don't work because id be working to pay the nursery fees so I'll be waiting till she goes to school. Partner earns above the average so we don't get free hours.

Because he pays for the house, food.. everything he seems to think that my job to involves cleaning up after him. Im happy cleaning the house, doing the washing, doing the dishes but what I don't agree with is cleaning his wrappers he leaves 2 steps away from the bin. Picking the underwear he leaves on the floor after showers. Comeing down every night and havsing to put his used dishes, wrappers and drink bottles away so I don't have to wake up with lo to a mess. Throwing his dirty towels on the floor, misplacing stuff and not putting it back etc Even on weekends he won't LIFT a finger, all the mess lo makes is my mess!!!

He came home the other day and had a shower. He called me to fetch him a towel cuz there was none in bathroom, I got annoyed because he never checks before haveing 1. Anyway he relises I havnt done a wash today, I was haveing a down day. I had cleaned up a lot, been a mum and I the thought left me. He says Its because I've been sat on my arse all day, we argued about it and he still continued to think I do nothing.

I'm sick of everything I do being unappreciated. My job doesn't unclude being a full time mum to him. So I've said im going on strike, that I will clean the house, do the all the big jobs, wash the clothes etc but I will not be cleaning up after you, I will leave every wrapper to pile up, every dirty underwear will be left. I will wash what's in the washing basket, not what's scattered on the floors.

He says then I'm going on money strike. Says I'm not allowed anything, I'm not allowed an uber eats? It's completely different? I show him the wrapper he left, he says just theory it over there where u throw everything! I put HIS and my empty bottles etc ready to go out to the bins, but I'm the one who cleans it!! Am I being unreasonable? And if not how do I word the difference between cleaning the house and the mess after him, in a way he can understand?

I just feel like a naggy mum, I'm nit attracted to a son.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2022 10:22

I’d think your relationship is over to be honest.

he has no respect or love for you.

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:22

He says then I'm going on money strike. Says I'm not allowed anything, I'm not allowed an uber eats?

He's going on a "money strike" unless you continue to pick up his dirty pants and food wrappers?!

Disgusting.

MissAmbrosia · 29/05/2022 10:25

He sounds disgusting. I'd be leaving.

Imagineit · 29/05/2022 10:28

Show him these responses OP, he needs a wake up call.

BadWolf2022 · 29/05/2022 10:28

So basically he pays you money to be a slave and pick up after his own grown up self?

Why aren't you leaving him? This relationship is clearly dead.

gamerchick · 29/05/2022 10:31

I'd do it anyway. He's used an unacceptable threat to make you behave so he can carry on his slovenly ways. Then if he cuts you off you might find the strength to leave him.

ny20005 · 29/05/2022 10:31

You have far bigger problems than his mess. He doesn't respect you.

Let him take up his 'money strike' with a solicitor

ComDummings · 29/05/2022 10:33

Basically he’s doing to financially abuse you because you have the audacity to stand up to him for treating you like a skivvy! Fuck him. You deserve so much better.

GrazingSheep · 29/05/2022 10:33

I think he is abusing you.

Mally100 · 29/05/2022 10:33

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2022 10:22

I’d think your relationship is over to be honest.

he has no respect or love for you.

Agree, being a sahm to a 2yr old is a luxury. Get a job, get him to fund his half of childcare and leave. He's throwing the money issue in your face, that's how little he thinks of you. Stop being dependent on him, you don't need this idiot treating you like his personal slave.

Motnight · 29/05/2022 10:34

This is abuse. Are you married, Op?

nearlyspringyay · 29/05/2022 10:34

Go back to work, he pays for half the childcare. He's clearly restful and a prick to boot.

Pollydonia · 29/05/2022 10:35

So he would starve you rather than tidy up after himself? What a knobber.

iex · 29/05/2022 10:36

You need to get a job, asap

Lazypuppy · 29/05/2022 10:41

Guessing you aren't married as you pyt partner, you are in such a precarious situation, you have no legal protection and no legal right to any of his money. You are basically housemates in the eyes of the law. Get a job, childcare costs are a joint cost

bluedomino · 29/05/2022 10:45

He will only get worse. House? His alone? Rented or co-owned? If you are not married you are in a very precarious position. If you co-own and he wants out, he can force the sale. Legal aid won't cover you. You will be forced to sell and rehouse yourself. It would cost an absolute fortune to fight it and you have no income. Unmarried women are not aware of this. Its the patriarcy in action.

If you can look at this honestly and be practical you NEED to work. You need your own money, so no one can withdraw financial support for you. I think him threatening that is financial abuse btw. You should leave, get a job, nursery hours, pension. If he is a high earner you will get Child Maintenance payments. How can you be happy with someone who has so little respect for you? He clearly thinks of it as his money not shared and certainly not yours too. Please don't choose the "easy for now" route. Choose the "best in the long run" route. Think of your security. Good luck.

DdraigGoch · 29/05/2022 10:50

Don't expect any strike to work. He'll sit in a sea of wrappers and underpants until you finally cave in.

I'd look to get back to work, so that you can start rebuilding your career, it'll make it easier to escape.

newbiename · 29/05/2022 10:53

How do you access money now ? Can you move some out of a joint account so he doesn't cut you off ?

girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 11:02

Don't stay with a man who doesn't respect you.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 29/05/2022 11:08

I don't have access to money but can buy an uber eats or the occasional thing. My hairs awful rn, it's literally dead so I had to order something just to try and help it so I just ordered it I didn't ask because I knew he would've said no.

I'm not happy, but I have no where to go and no money to do anything about it. I bought this issue up last night, said i was going on a strike and he wouldn't even look at me. I said please look at me and he mocked me and went to look at me and didn't. Turned volume up, said his TV was too interesting to miss. On a daily basis I have to repeat casual questions or convo starters.

I'm so confused because I know he treats me wrong, but everyone just tells me he is bad with emotions or uses the anxiety card. In the first 6m together when he was the most anxious, he was extremely affectionate and amazing at communication but now its there's nit one drop of affection. Its hard because when everyone says it's just because he struggles with those things, makes me feel like I'm expecting too much and over thinking everything. Maybe I am the nagger he makes me out to be because i do moan a lot, maybe about the way he is with me but am I expecting too much. Its so hard, my heads gets to confused and fuzzy. It's comments like this that makes me the part of me which feels its wrong validated but the biggest issue is the thought of, is he doing it on purpose tho? Maybe it isn't intentional so if I keep trying to get to relise how he hurts me, he will change.
I feel trapped, not just financially but bwcause of those cycle of thoughts 😞

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 29/05/2022 11:20

This is not a great situation, and he is not being respectful.

However, as you probably don’t want to move out this minute, I would try explaining to him that you don’t feel respected - you are teaching your daughter to tidy up after herself as part of being an adult and you wan’t him to do that too.

if it’s the agreement that you look after your child rather than work, presumably you have access to all the family money, so he can’t actually impose a money ban. In which case just ignore it.

Do not get pregnant again till this gets sorted out.

Do pull your financials and go see a solicitor so you have a plan to leave if you need to. You will feel better with a plan.

Consider going back to work for a couple days a week, I know you will just be working to pay the nursery, but it might help the power balance - more importantly if you have any kind of career it keeps that going.

ElenaSt · 29/05/2022 11:24

He's a filthy pig that would rather drop his wrapper on the floor and put it in the bin.

Leave him in no doubt he'll end up living in a pigsty without you there to clean up after him.

There's nothing worse than a grotty little man who thinks that being a dirty bugger for his wife to clean up after him is some kind of power trip.

ElenaSt · 29/05/2022 11:25

^ than not and

Pickabearanybear · 29/05/2022 11:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

myuterusistryingtokillme · 29/05/2022 11:29

I couldn't be beholden to a man that would even threaten to withhold money if I didn't skivvy after him, especially when as a couple you agreed that it is best for you to stay at home. He is being an entitled twat, and is on the verge of being financially abusive.

If he is going to do that, the only option is for you to tell him you will get a job and when you do he'll have to pay at least half the childcare costs, and take 50% responsibility for drop off/pick up/covering sickness, and 50% responsibility for everything in the home that you currently do.

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