AIBU to go on strike for cleaning his mess only

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone, I'm a sahm of a 2 year old. I don't work because id be working to pay the nursery fees so I'll be waiting till she goes to school. Partner earns above the average so we don't get free hours.

Because he pays for the house, food.. everything he seems to think that my job to involves cleaning up after him. Im happy cleaning the house, doing the washing, doing the dishes but what I don't agree with is cleaning his wrappers he leaves 2 steps away from the bin. Picking the underwear he leaves on the floor after showers. Comeing down every night and havsing to put his used dishes, wrappers and drink bottles away so I don't have to wake up with lo to a mess. Throwing his dirty towels on the floor, misplacing stuff and not putting it back etc Even on weekends he won't LIFT a finger, all the mess lo makes is my mess!!!

He came home the other day and had a shower. He called me to fetch him a towel cuz there was none in bathroom, I got annoyed because he never checks before haveing 1. Anyway he relises I havnt done a wash today, I was haveing a down day. I had cleaned up a lot, been a mum and I the thought left me. He says Its because I've been sat on my arse all day, we argued about it and he still continued to think I do nothing.

I'm sick of everything I do being unappreciated. My job doesn't unclude being a full time mum to him. So I've said im going on strike, that I will clean the house, do the all the big jobs, wash the clothes etc but I will not be cleaning up after you, I will leave every wrapper to pile up, every dirty underwear will be left. I will wash what's in the washing basket, not what's scattered on the floors.

He says then I'm going on money strike. Says I'm not allowed anything, I'm not allowed an uber eats? It's completely different? I show him the wrapper he left, he says just theory it over there where u throw everything! I put HIS and my empty bottles etc ready to go out to the bins, but I'm the one who cleans it!! Am I being unreasonable? And if not how do I word the difference between cleaning the house and the mess after him, in a way he can understand?

I just feel like a naggy mum, I'm nit attracted to a son.

sorry I posted before I saw your update

Not having access to money Is financial abuse.

The most important thing you can do right now is go back to work. You may earn no more than the nursery fees, but if you split those between you you will have access to the rest of the money, and you can start getting your life moving.

And the way he is treating you is emotional abuse. He may or may not have anxiety, but the behaviour you describe is not explained by anxiety - it’s abusive and controlling.

while you are with try and talk to him about setting an example of respectfulness to your daughter, and also that you need to have some access to money. You also might be able to ask his family to help him see you need access to money while you are waiting to get a job set up.

Then I would go and see your GP - explain his controlling behaviour is wrecking your head and you need a compelling referral to help you sort a plan to move forward. Talk to your health visitor also.

I’ve never heard that anxiety stops you putting your pants in the washing basket. Or difficulty expressing emotions makes you incapable of putting crisp packets in the bin.

I think you need to plan your way out of this relationship.

Even if your wages pay for nursery, there are many benefits to returning to work other then financial.
I say this with the belief that childcare should be a joint/family cost (but it sounds like you are expecting to pay).

If you worked then each of you would each be contributing half to the nursery fees surely? You'd then have some money of your own.

That's financial abuse op. He's a prick.
Go back to work, that way you can split childcare costs and you'll have some
Money of you own. Either that or LTB. I would not live like that.

Oh op, I posted before your update. He is already being financially abusive, of course you should have access to your own money to spend, if you don't have a joint account he should be transferring you an allowance (hate the word but can't think how else to describe it). This isn't him being anxious, it's him being controlling and abusive

He is a disgusting pig.

Whoever is telling you he is a great guy needs their head examined.

I know it isn’t fair but I would just leave even if it meant having next to no possessions. I could not stomach that crap.

OP go back to work. Let him pay his share of the nursery fees then use the money you have left each month to get out.

If he wants to play that game of withholding money because you aren’t cleaning up after him then start billing him. Every item of clothing you pick up off the floor is £1. Every bottle or wrapper another pound. Give him an invoice at the end of each day.

My ex was financially (and all sorts of other) abusive. I got a job and left him.

Echo others, you've got to go back to work, fees should be split proportionately IMO!

I honestly think that it should be compulsory for anyone thinking of becoming a SAHP (and no idea how to control this) should come here and read the countless threads like this.

Sorry, OP, you know what you have to do.

Sounds like he wants a slave not a partner. I'd separate if I could, but in the meantime, you need to plan your way out.

Speak to Women's Aid or the National Domestic Violence hotline to help sort your head out.

You need to find a job. Even if all your money goes on childcare you will be able to get other benefits further down the line, including tax credits and free childcare when your dc is 3.

Don't put up with this.

He treats you as his skivvy and is financially abusive (given you no or limited access to money).

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Big warning signs here, OP. It’s how financial abuse starts. “I earn the money. Your contribution to the family is less important. If you don’t behave as I want round the house I will withhold money from you. You only eat because I provide the food.”

It’s vital that you start earning an income so you aren’t financially reliant on him any more. Whether it’s an empty threat or not, the fact that he even mentioned withdrawing food money from you as a retaliation for you asking him not to behave like a slob means that he clearly sees money as a trump card, a bargaining tool, something his and not shared.

Ask him how he’ll manage 50/50 when you divorce? Do all his own cleaning cooking childcare etc

Then I’d leave for a few days and let him see how things work in real life.

I wouldn’t do this. The guy clearly has not a decent bone in his body, any energy spent trying to reason with him is energy wasted.

Just leave. Easier said than done I know but nothing good can come of staying.

Ps the ‘I’d be working to pay the nursery fees’ logic no longer applies here. You returning to work isn’t about the simple maths of income v outgoings. It’s tied into you getting back to work, being busy outside of the house, bringing in independent money and not someone who seemingly has nothing to do but pick up his worn underpants and rubbish. His behaviour is contemptible.

I am guessing the "people" telling you his behaviour is Ok is his mum, who you appear to have replaced.

Seeing as you do not appear to be married, you will have to go back to work in order to escape this situation - unless you have family or friends who will help you?

I would leave as soon as you can.

Get out now. It only gets worse, trust me. At the very least get a job of some sort.

I am still in your position but have had to deal with this for the past twenty years. I gave up doing his washing this year....he went out and bought more socks and underwear and bitched about how he had no clean clothes. His bed stinks the house out, Of course the (adult) kids think I'm the nasty one. Poor daddy.

Do you have any family you can go and stay with while you sort yourself out? Look for a job, find a place to stay. It’s hard but better than being with someone who treats you like this.

He'll get his mother round

He is treating you as a skivvy. I doubt that will change even if you go back to work. You may have access to money if you go back to work, but when calculating how much, remember people saying he will be responsible for half the childcare costs, never mention you will be responsible for up to 50% of all the other bills as well.

Honestly OP I'd rather leave with nothing, present to the council as homeless and start from absolute scratch than stay with someone who treated me like this. He won't change, this isn't behaviour born out of anxiety or an inability to express emotions, this is how he feels entitled to treat his 'partner' because he fundamentally has no respect for you, and probably women in general.

This is no kind of partnership, it's more like servitude and he is not your master, you deserve better than that and your DC deserve a better example of how a relationship should be. I would be looking for a route out of there as soon as humanly possible in your shoes OP, don't waste precious time or energy trying to work out how to make him change when you could be focusing on a better future for you and your kids, he's really not worth it

Even if he does struggle with emotions etc. He’s not even trying.
he’s purposefully being an arsehole and dismissing your emotions.
would he even care if you left?

He is a pig, the relationship will never recover from this, its who he is, he doesn't deserve a lovely family and child.
Your 100% focus needs to be on getting back to work. Child care is a shared expense, if he earns more than you then he needs to pay proportionally more. Thing is I doubt he'll pay anything because he is an abuser. Do you have anywhere you can stay while you get back on your feet? Or you could try walking out due to coercive control which is domestic abuse and presenting as homeless to the council.
If your salary is low UC will fund 80% of your childcare costs. You should also be able to claim child support from the abuser. He may make noises about wanting 50% - but its highly unlikely as he would have to not only clean up after himself but his child too. And he will fast figure out 50% of the childcare is probably more costly to him than child support.
Whatever you decide to do, just start planning to leave, there is no future and no happiness with someone who treats you like their slave.