AIBU to lament my children being grown up

[thattimeisgone]

This has been weighing heavy on my head the past few months. My sons are now 18 (just graduated high school) and 20 and have left school and are making their own way in the world. I find myself more and more lamenting their childhood and wishing I could go back and maybe do this differently with the head I have on me now if that makes sense.
We had not got a lot of monet when my kids were small so I did whatever it took to make ends meet. I took in other children to mind, I took in ironing and had a few cleaning jobs. OH worked full time but for little pay. The problem with that is that I was always frazzled, always busy, always trying to get things done.
I feel like I didn't make enough time for them, appreciate them when they were small, read enough to them, bring them enough places, give them my attention when they asked, every time they asked.
I miss it, I miss their smallness, their innocence, their chubby little arms around my neck. I feel like I didn't appreciate it at the time. I feel like I rushed through it. There were days I longed for bedtime to come because I was so tired. There were days when I ironed other people's clothes instead of reading to them and there were days when I may have been grumpy and dismissed them.
I have a wonderful relationship with both my boys and they always tell me I am a great Mum but the absolute bereft feeling that those days are gone forever consumes me sometimes. I feel like I could have done better and I am not sure if it really did my absolute best but I did love them each and every day.

YABU...Get a bloody grip woman, this is just a new phase of life
YANBU... I miss those days too and wish I could have another go.

I feel the same. I'm sure many mums do.

But you're looking back now, as a woman who is rested and in a better situation. Don't judge yourself for getting by when they were small. It is such a tiresome and stressful time.

It's human nature to look back and wish we could do things differently. But we do what we can at the time. Short of winning the lottery and spending e ery waking minute with them, how could you have done it differently?

Listen to them. They tell you you're a great mum. If you'd not worked you wouldn't have been able to provide for them. A mum who works hard is a great role model.

Plus, they're still young and still need their mum. At their ages they are navigating work and relationships so if they come to you for help and advice, be there for them.

And one day you might be a grandma and get to lavish love and time on little ones again.

Thank you so much. Those bloody Facebook memories get me every single day!

That has really helped. Thank you. I cannot wait to be a grandmother! I guess this feeling is also a realisation that I, myself am getting on. Plus I have just started menopause so my hormones are up the Swanny!

I feel the same. And I've started saying to parents of young children ' cherish all of the days etc blah blah blah'

I don’t think like this. I have given my children a decent start, they are confident young people who want to work and have fun. They want to leave hime and make a life for themselves and I’m supporting them all the way!

I am looking forward to a few years of being child free and traveling. And yes I’m spending their inheritance!

@123rd I hear ya! I do the misty eyed "it goes by in a flash" to all the younger Mothers!

@Threetulips You have the right attitude. I have to say I am enjoying the freedom of not having small kids and lie on's and being able to go where I like etc but I do hate when they are out at night in the pubs and clubs etc. I miss the safe in bed days!

I have four great adults and I'm proud of the humans I've raised, I did my best... but I feel exactly the same way as you @thattimeisgone. I think it's entirely normal.

I still have little ones at the moment, but sometimes feel nostalgic for my carefree younger days. It's natural to look back wistfully sometimes, but I think it helps to imagine yourself in 20 years being nostalgic about what you're still living through. Don't leave yourself in a few decades wishing you'd spent more time enjoying your young adult children instead of wasting time stuck in the past!

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend I am glad others see it as normal. DH thinks I am being ridiculous.

When people say "if you could go anywhere in time and spend an hour doing anything, what would you do?"- my answer is always I'd spend an hour cuddling my babies while they slept on my chest. Or feeding them, bathing them. It's not long enough and you don't drink it all in when you can because you're too damn tired and overwhelmed.

@Knifer you have nailed it.

My children are small and I constantly worry I will end up feeling this way. Fact is I’m constantly busy either working or doing stuff for them, and I’m PERMANENTLY exhausted. I try my best to enjoy the now but it’s hard.

I bloody love having grown up kids.
azibf to hear / see them being effective adults - actual money earning jobs , political opinions of their own , stable relationships et,

@Pumpkin314 Christ I never even thought of that. That has honestly helped more than you know. Been caught in this cesspit of nostalgia because my youngest was graduating. You are right, I need to revel in the now too before I miss out on that by being a gobshite !

Yes I wish I could go back and change a few things for sure. A few episodes really stick in my mind that I would handle differently. I don't mind the passing of baby cuddling time at all - it's the other things when they were older that I wish I could change.
But I can't go back and I have to accept that my decisions and actions were not always the best.

@easyday I feel the same. I wish some things didn't happen and I wish some things did happen. When you know better you do better I suppose.

I miss it too and my children are at primary school! I think it’s natural. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and take over from my tired self. Send myself to bed whilst I held that crying baby or let myself have a nice long bath whilst I played with the toddler.

@TheGlitterati A time machine would be great. Then I am thinking of the grandmothers here who would be telling me to savour these moments while they are still at home, still coming to me for advice, bringing in their mates and still raiding the fridge!

I couldn't vote because yanbu to feel this way, but yabu to imagine you could or would have done it differently. I have young kids now and I absolutely love it and love being a mum, and spending time with them and how cute they are. However at the same time, bits of it are boring. I could afford to be a SAHP but I prefer to work part time. I read to them and play with them, but no I don't do it 24/7. A balence is best.

My mum couldn't wait to be a grandma and do all those things again, reading etc. But she babysat a few times and found it really boring! Even talking to them she finds boring. She hasn't babysat for dc1 since, dc2 she has never been alone with.

Surely you have children to raise capable, independent, confident adults who are able to spread their wings? Why would you want to go back instead of appreciating them as they are now?

I once read a tip that if you aren't enjoying someones company as much as you could be, imagine you are visiting from the future and have returned to relive that one moment. I do this sometimes with my kids if I'm finding them annoying and it usually helps me appreciate the moment.

Oh I hear you....and my kids are only 9 and 7!😆 . I miss the baby and toddler days every day and as they are getting older, I am getting worse with the sentimentality! Heaven knows what I'll be like when they are teenagers! Yesterday I was on a bus that went by a church on the other side of town where I took my kids to a music bugs class as toddlers and had a massive lump in my throat!

Like yourself, I question if I took it all in, appreciated it, all, and did enough, etc but I think we all naturally question this is it is such a busy and overwhelming time when they are little. As they say, 'the days are long and the years are short'. This is so so true!

The fact your sons call you a great mum is all the validation you need that you did your job perfectly!

As a previous poster alluded to, we will always lament the past in one form or another, whether it be our carefree younger days, childhood, college and uni years, parents or other family members being more well or even around, etc, the list goes on. However, offspring growing up is a very emotional one!

@Stickworm it is hard and I honestly do know I am looking back with rose coloured glasses and forgetting HOW hard it actually is!