AIBU to lament my children being grown up

[thattimeisgone]

This has been weighing heavy on my head the past few months. My sons are now 18 (just graduated high school) and 20 and have left school and are making their own way in the world. I find myself more and more lamenting their childhood and wishing I could go back and maybe do this differently with the head I have on me now if that makes sense.
We had not got a lot of monet when my kids were small so I did whatever it took to make ends meet. I took in other children to mind, I took in ironing and had a few cleaning jobs. OH worked full time but for little pay. The problem with that is that I was always frazzled, always busy, always trying to get things done.
I feel like I didn't make enough time for them, appreciate them when they were small, read enough to them, bring them enough places, give them my attention when they asked, every time they asked.
I miss it, I miss their smallness, their innocence, their chubby little arms around my neck. I feel like I didn't appreciate it at the time. I feel like I rushed through it. There were days I longed for bedtime to come because I was so tired. There were days when I ironed other people's clothes instead of reading to them and there were days when I may have been grumpy and dismissed them.
I have a wonderful relationship with both my boys and they always tell me I am a great Mum but the absolute bereft feeling that those days are gone forever consumes me sometimes. I feel like I could have done better and I am not sure if it really did my absolute best but I did love them each and every day.

YABU...Get a bloody grip woman, this is just a new phase of life
YANBU... I miss those days too and wish I could have another go.

@RaisinGhost That is a shame with your Mum, I can't imagine finding my grandkids boring.

@Helenloveslee4eva There is that aspect and there is huge freedom in it.

This is fab advice, i will be using this. Thank you ever so much.

@Frazzledmummy123 the days are long and the years are short... I have never heard this expression before but it really does sum it up!

DD turned 30 last week and, for the first time ever, I found myself longing to go back to the days when she was small and needed me. Before now I had accepted each passing year but for some reason this one hit hard.

My dc are all about to be in secondary with dd1 seemingly racing through her teens. I’m enjoying it but know it’ll end. Dh and I have plans and as dc discover more freedom, we will do the same. Popping out to the pub for dinner, just dh and I, weekends away etc. I guess I’m preparing for the shift while trying to enjoy dc. I hope they have fond memories of their childhood and we remain close.

I know you mean well but I detest being told this. When you’re doing you’re best to hold it all together with young children, being told you must enjoy it whilst you’re just about making through the days is really annoying and I internally roll my eyes at anyone who says it.

Neither could my mum! She's not a monster or anything, she's very kind and family oriented and a great mum. And of course I don't expect her to babysit or anything. It's just interesting that she too missed those baby days... Until she actually was back there for an hour...

You have a good relationship with your sons; they tell you that you’re a great mum. Take that at face value and be proud of it. Look at this new phase of your life as a chance to deepen your relationship with your boys. You don’t want to be looking back in 20yrs time lamenting that your sons are now mature men and you wish that you’d spent more time enjoying their young adulthood! 💕

I used to back then too. Drove me demented. I thought it was condescending and trite and a little bit holier than thou but now I realise that people were literally only trying to warn me about how I am feeling now and that it does, in fact go by in the twinkling of an eye and that you really will miss it like hell when it is gone.

@thattimeisgone

I feel for you. At the same time, what is the point in dwelling on "could haves"? You can't change the past so you either accept it or you stay feeling shitty. I'd be surprised that any parent thinks they have done a perfect job - its not possible. We are all fallible.

My son is 18 and apart from exams in June he's finished school.
I was writing a thank you card to his year head the other day and I remembered writing a thank you card to his 1st teacher, 13 years ago. It seems like yesterday.
I miss the little boy he was and Its hard parenting an adult.
But there are benefits too.
Don't have regrets. Its done now. Just enjoy the future

I only heard this term recently and it really struck a chord. Definitely sums it up very well.

I think you are conflating two things, missing them being children, and not doing everything better. The second one isn't really an issue, sounds like they had a good happy childhood. But even if you did everything perfectly, those days would still pass by at the same rate and be gone by now. There's no amount of appreciating the situation you can do at the time that will avoid that. It's sad though, for sure.

The happiest time of my life was the years my children needed me, upto around 16 so you aren't on your own and I haven't read all the other posts but all I can say is this is what grandchildren are for. You get to do everything with them that you didn't get to do with your own. I had good parents but honestly they were FABULOUS gp.., the same with my in-laws.

I am a fabulous gm to my gc. It's the circle of life ;)

I feel the same.
I have SO many regrets.
I wish I'd done so many things differently.
I made so many mistakes but the main one is I wish I'd just enjoyed being with them instead of fretting about shit that, looking back, just didn't bloody matter one bit.

Gosh can’t relate. Lovely days but so relieved they are over would not want to go back. Was lucky enough to be sahm until second started school so felt I really wrung out every moment of pre school but been there done that now bring on teens and young adulthood goodbye soft play and wiping bottoms

My Ds are 19 and 17. The oldest away at uni, the youngest likely to go next year. We had next to no help when they were little and it was so so hard. I did indeed wish the days away, I went back to work pt at three months for some time to myself.
I don't regret that at all, but I do look back now and think how bloody gorgeous and funny they were and wonder if I appreciated that enough.
Friends are now off holidaying alone and that will be us next year. But the very best days of my life were us four holidaying together. And we did, loads. But as much as it's 'easier' holidaying without DC, I don't imagine it will ever be as fulfilling as having us all together.
They're smart, confident and independent so at least I console myself with that.

I know how you feel..
My boys are now 28 and 25 and I often look back and think how I didn't appreciate them being small as I was always busy with work, caring for grandparents, family life etc etc..
However
I think everyone feels like you do when their kids are grown and flown
I have a grandson now though..born last year and I'm getting to relive all the lovely cuddles and play with him. Without having to do all the exhausting sleepless nights etc.. That's the payoff. You get the fun bits later on when your kids have kids

You say your boys are 18 and 20 and are making they're own way in life and that you have a great relationship with them.

Therefore you've done it! You've raised 2 confident, independent and understanding lads.

You sounds like you've got lovely memories.

It must be really normal to wish to do it all again, with bells on! Enjoy them now, do things, go places! Still so many more good times to be had. Enjoy!

I think just try and keep your health so you can be super grandparent when/if the grandkids do come along.

I sometimes think like this too OP. My DSs are 13 and 16, and I've been a single parent all along and had to work quite long hours. I did do lots of fun things with my boys , but I had preferences - I loved days out and playing at the park, but I found playing trains at home quite tedious, and now I worry I didn't do enough of it.
But I try and tell myself things to make myself feel better.
Like I had to work, I had no choice. It's not as if I lay on the settee reading the paper all day while my kids begged to play with me. If I wasn't around it was because I was earning money to keep us. And I'd like to think that's taught them a work ethic. But either way, there was no choice, so no point having any regrets.
Also, the other thing to remember is that the time is going to pass anyway, at the same speed, whatever you're doing with your kids. The nostalgia and regret will be there whatever you do. I think that even if I'd been with my kids playing with them every waking hour, I'd still be looking back now and feeling a bit sad.
But ultimately, you did your best, and that's all you can do.

I'm feeling the same too. My eldest is a teen now, very grumpy and doesn't want to spend time with me unless it involves me spending money on her.

I miss the times we just did fun things like playgrounds, farms and just spent relaxed time together.

I probably have rose tinted glasses as I know I was knackered a lot of a time. It just seems now that it went so quickly.

I'd love a day with them when they were little again to really appreciate it.

You did the best you possibly could in the moment with the resources you had. Who is really a perfect parent? Have you read the concept of the 'good enough' mother - ? I think it's Donald Winnicot? A well known theory from a psychologist. Children dont need 'perfection' in a mother figure they need her to be 'good enough'.

Surely the truth is the early years are HARD. There is no way they could be easy !

One day you will have 40 year old sons and be looking back at photos of them starting adult life - fresh faced! When they are 40 and you are elderly - they will be tired and worn down by life like you are now!

They are still young - early 20s is literally the most fantastic stage - enjoy watching them start that freedom and adventure without having to do bedtimes/ bathtimes etc

Well... I'm on the app so can't vote but... we all have regrets however we've raised your kids. Do you think if you'd been a sahm all those years you wouldn't have had any regrets?