AIBU to lament my children being grown up

[thattimeisgone]

This has been weighing heavy on my head the past few months. My sons are now 18 (just graduated high school) and 20 and have left school and are making their own way in the world. I find myself more and more lamenting their childhood and wishing I could go back and maybe do this differently with the head I have on me now if that makes sense.
We had not got a lot of monet when my kids were small so I did whatever it took to make ends meet. I took in other children to mind, I took in ironing and had a few cleaning jobs. OH worked full time but for little pay. The problem with that is that I was always frazzled, always busy, always trying to get things done.
I feel like I didn't make enough time for them, appreciate them when they were small, read enough to them, bring them enough places, give them my attention when they asked, every time they asked.
I miss it, I miss their smallness, their innocence, their chubby little arms around my neck. I feel like I didn't appreciate it at the time. I feel like I rushed through it. There were days I longed for bedtime to come because I was so tired. There were days when I ironed other people's clothes instead of reading to them and there were days when I may have been grumpy and dismissed them.
I have a wonderful relationship with both my boys and they always tell me I am a great Mum but the absolute bereft feeling that those days are gone forever consumes me sometimes. I feel like I could have done better and I am not sure if it really did my absolute best but I did love them each and every day.

YABU...Get a bloody grip woman, this is just a new phase of life
YANBU... I miss those days too and wish I could have another go.

I am glad others see it as normal. DH thinks I am being ridiculous

I feel the same as you. That I could and should have done better. Mum guilt never dies.

It's totally normal, though I did find the moment where I reviewed my parenting and realised how much I'd got wrong quite disturbing as I tried with all my heart to be the best mum I could be and only realised in retrospect how much of what I thought was perfect parenting was try hard and over indulgent.

Empty nest syndrome has a name for a reason - it's that common. But after a while we find ourselves again. And that is a fun new phase.

I just want to thank everyone on the thread who answered so kindly, not made me feel like an absolute sap and have given me such food for thought. It really helps to know others feel the same and I am going to get that book @waterrat .

I thought I would get flamed for being a sentimental old fool. I feel a hell of a lot better now. Thank you.

I get it. If there was no contraception, or we were cave men or whatever, then I’d have had my first babies by age 20, be a grandmother by age 40 (before I’d even finished bearing my own babies) and so be surrounded by little ones from age 20 until I died. Instead I got a single baby in mid-thirties and he’ll probably move far away when he’s 18 and not make me a grandmother until I’m mid-seventies. The way we live now is very unnatural and it’s so hard on mothers with empty arms.

Gosh I am so worried I will suffer empty nest syndrome as I feel it deeply when my children enter a new stage.
We do our best every day and I know that you always loved and appreciated your children and the time with them.....not everything in parenting is enjoyable though- like a wake up at 3am. Be proud of where you are and where your sons are in life and you can still give them a hug.

Please don’t do this. Try to have some level of self-awareness and compassion.

As a parent of a child who has been in and out of hospital, it hasn’t been possible to cherish all the days… any more than it was for the OP. The cherishing comes in retrospect. If you are lucky you can find the light each day, but many can’t many days. As pp have said, it’s hard when they are young.

Please don’t pass on your guilt to this generation of parents.

You are 100% not an old fool or a sap. Totally reasonable. I feel it and my child is still small. I already regret not just holding him all day and night as a newborn, conveniently forgetting how dangerously sleep deprived I was!