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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Favourite child?

70 replies

NotSoMissHoney07 · 28/05/2022 12:45

Do parents favour one child over another?
I'm wondering this with regards to my DH and his sister. From the outside looking in, it seems that they 'like' her more. I'm sure they love them both the same but I sense a difference in how they regard one to the other.
I'm an only child so can't go on my own experiences on this one. Although, I do have a son and daughter myself now so it's made me think about it more I guess and I just can't imagine favouring one over the other.

My DH and his sister are very different. She and her partner have a business they've grown from scratch and are massively into sport which relates to the business. They're very competitive with their sports and professional development. They're always going away on seminars, are into coaching/mindset stuff, doing local press and social media things, etc. It's all quite high profile. They have dogs but aren't that keen on having children. Both are very functional individuals with no issues that I know of. So that's where they're at.

My DH has a long term problem with anxiety and depression since he was a young teenager. This has shaped his life somewhat with work especially. But despite this, he has always worked and has even trained as a counsellor himself. We have two little ones and my DH is a real family person. He's got a heart of gold but has his problems. It doesn't seem like his parents have ever understood his mental health and I think this shows in their regard for him. He doesn't ever burden them with it as he knows they don't get it.

On social media, my in laws frequently post things about their daughter and her partner. Their successes and holidays they've had altogether. My mil rings her daughter all the time but rarely my DH. I know they've probably got more in common with them than us but I feel like they're a lot more impressed by their more high flying achievements than our more humble ones.

Dont get me wrong, my in laws love seeing our children and have been generous to us but I don't think we're as interesting to them as their daughter is. Plus, they're always recalling how she was such an easy, amazing child and my DH was harder work. Should this shape a parent's regard for their child, even as an adult? Just makes me a little sad for DH to seeing it from the outside.

Opinions please? Thank you.

OP posts:

loafandleaf · 28/05/2022 12:46

Your sister in law sounds like the golden child

failingtomatoes · 28/05/2022 12:48

How often does he ring his mother?

PeekAtYou · 28/05/2022 12:50

I have 3 kids and while I love them equally and treat them equally, I get along with one of them more than the others. The "others" are teenagers so unbothered by me spending more time with their sibling because I am there when they need me but this might change when they are all older.

Are your ILs professionally successful too? Are they self employed or have dreams of self employment ?

cptartapp · 28/05/2022 12:50

Yes SIL is favoured here. All her wedding paid for. £10k house deposit. DH got nothing.
Lots more favouritisms extended to the relative GC over the years they don't think I've noticed.

CupidStunt22 · 28/05/2022 12:54

They're adults, and its a two way street. Maybe your DHs sister makes much more effort with her parents, goes to see them more, calls them more, spends more time with them, is more interested in them...

ancientgran · 28/05/2022 12:57

cptartapp · 28/05/2022 12:50

Yes SIL is favoured here. All her wedding paid for. £10k house deposit. DH got nothing.
Lots more favouritisms extended to the relative GC over the years they don't think I've noticed.

Well that does sound like favouritism but the OPs not so much. They post about things the sister has done but maybe there is just less to post about son. People do sometimes just get on more with one person but they don't have to favour them. I am very close with one of my GC, we click, we have a similar sense of humour, I did a lot of child care when he was younger so yes he is closer to me but he doesn't get anything the others don't.

Binsk · 28/05/2022 13:04

Some definitely do. Ex-SIL was very, very obviously the favourite child, however ex was a horrible person so I'm torn as to whether it was justified or not! Although I think a lot of his issues came from being treated as the second best. His dad didn't even seem to like him, at all.
Current in-laws 100% favour their daughters over their sons.

SlashBeef · 28/05/2022 13:10

I have four kids, they're all 9 and under so it's different to having adult children but I don't have a favourite. One of them has a really easygoing personality so far and she's pretty much always easy to get be with. One of my boys is massively hard work and stressful to parent but also hilarious and loving 🤷‍♀️ my relationship with each is different but I love them equally, for sure. I hope I never make them feel I have a favourite.

Original poster

NotSoMissHoney07 · 28/05/2022 13:13

My DH is always the one who calls his parents although they don't ever ask him/us questions.
He is very close to his elderly grandma (MIL's mum) and phones/visits her regularly. His sister rarely sees or speaks to her.

I just feel like my in laws are super impressed by the achievements of my SIL but not the family values my DH has.

My in laws love a bit of name dropping. Everything has to be luxury or bespoke in their world lol! They're not even that well off but it's Waitrose over Lidl for them. Where as we're more Lidl and boot sales lol!
I think SIL goes along a bit more with the higher end life style and in laws love showing this off on fb. They never post photos of our children on there.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 28/05/2022 13:13

CupidStunt22 · 28/05/2022 12:54

That's a good point. I hadn't thought of it before but one of mine definitely makes more effort to see us, phone us etc.

ancientgran · 28/05/2022 13:14

NotSoMissHoney07 · 28/05/2022 13:13

I just feel like my in laws are super impressed by the achievements of my SIL but not the family values my DH has.

If they read MN they would probably frightened of putting up photos of your children. Boundaries and all that.

Crocsandshocks · 28/05/2022 13:19

I think some children can be easier than others. I have 2 and whilst I live them both, the relationship with one is challenging and the other easy and comfortable. It's just pot luck and interpersonal dynamics.

supersizeforaquid · 28/05/2022 13:24

It’s doesn’t sound like either of you like his parents so what’s the problem?

motogirl · 28/05/2022 13:29

Adults have different relationships with their parents so it can seem that way but that doesn't mean they are favoured. My parents always spent more time with me but I was the only one with children so different dynamics.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 28/05/2022 13:35

Most parents say they don't have a favourite child, most children with siblings say that their parents do.

It always amuses me when posters on here completely accept the idea of a golden child whilst simultaneously refusing to consider that it could be perceived that they have a favourite child.

Mummytofour80 · 28/05/2022 13:43

Yep, honestly, OH and I both favour one. I could not say I love this child more as I love them all in different ways but we definitely have a soft spot. Also this child can be the naughtiest so the perfect child is not necessary the golden child.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/05/2022 13:44

It’s normal to get on better w one child than another. Obviously as kids you must make a real effort to treat them equally, and as adults you generally should in big things.

However is it simply that your son and his parents don’t have a deep connection? Does he contact them much? Also - if he has a quiet life there won’t be much for them to post about so they can’t be blamed for that.

OneCup · 28/05/2022 13:47

"the perfect child is not necessary the golden child."
I would agree with that in so far as amongst people/colleagues who have admitted to having a preference amongst their children, I noticed they tended to prefer the one that is the closest in terms of character.
It's totally anecdotal I must add.

CupidStunt22 · 28/05/2022 13:49

NotSoMissHoney07 · 28/05/2022 13:13

I just feel like my in laws are super impressed by the achievements of my SIL but not the family values my DH has.

Maybe they can sense the judgement from you.

Knittingchamp · 28/05/2022 13:53

To me sounds like the sister was easy to parent for whatever reason, so they lucked out, whereas your DH required actual parenting for a range of very normal and acceptable reasons which take real parenting effort, which they likely couldn't really be bothered to do properly, by the sound of, then and now. The sister sounds really annoying btw and your DH sounds wonderful.

LadyCluck · 28/05/2022 14:26

Some parents do in my experience.

I’m the eldest of 3. I could do no right. Always made to feel that I didn’t “fit”. The youngest - my brother- could do no wrong and excuse after excuse was made for
him.

My SIL is hugely favoured over DH by their parents - this extends to her kids too.

DH has 4 kids (the 2 youngest with me). He favours his eldest and its very apparent to everyone.

Polpetto · 28/05/2022 14:42

My in laws definitely favour BIL over DH. They spend most time with SIL, who lives near them, but BIL is definitely the
golden child, I think because he is most similar to them. The sad thing is that it’s filtered down to the grandchildren now. SIL’s kids are close to PILs as they see them often, BIL’s child (now their fave grandchild) is close to them as they make loads of effort with her, and ours are basically ignored.

Rhodora · 28/05/2022 14:50

My parents don’t have a favourite child and always made a point to treat us all equally as far as possible. My dad was the middle child of three and his mother told him that if he’d been the first child she wouldn’t have had another one. His DS was definitely the favourite and in turn her children were the favourite grandchildren. My DF was a difficult child though as he’d be the one in a maths lesson telling the teacher the answer in the book was wrong and he could prove it.

OwlinaTree · 28/05/2022 14:59

I don't think I do - my children are both so different! They are still young though. I don't think my mum and dad had a favourite - they always try to be fair.
I think my in laws favour my dh's youngest sister. She is very similar in ideology to his mum, I think it's this plus her being the baby. I don't think it's really conscious. I think they have helped her financially and kept it quiet. They always try to be fair regarding the grandchildren though.

Saltyandvinegar · 28/05/2022 15:02

My mum admitted it. It wasn't me. I don't speak to her anymore.

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