Favourite child?

[NotSoMissHoney07]

Do parents favour one child over another?
I'm wondering this with regards to my DH and his sister. From the outside looking in, it seems that they 'like' her more. I'm sure they love them both the same but I sense a difference in how they regard one to the other.
I'm an only child so can't go on my own experiences on this one. Although, I do have a son and daughter myself now so it's made me think about it more I guess and I just can't imagine favouring one over the other.

My DH and his sister are very different. She and her partner have a business they've grown from scratch and are massively into sport which relates to the business. They're very competitive with their sports and professional development. They're always going away on seminars, are into coaching/mindset stuff, doing local press and social media things, etc. It's all quite high profile. They have dogs but aren't that keen on having children. Both are very functional individuals with no issues that I know of. So that's where they're at.

My DH has a long term problem with anxiety and depression since he was a young teenager. This has shaped his life somewhat with work especially. But despite this, he has always worked and has even trained as a counsellor himself. We have two little ones and my DH is a real family person. He's got a heart of gold but has his problems. It doesn't seem like his parents have ever understood his mental health and I think this shows in their regard for him. He doesn't ever burden them with it as he knows they don't get it.

On social media, my in laws frequently post things about their daughter and her partner. Their successes and holidays they've had altogether. My mil rings her daughter all the time but rarely my DH. I know they've probably got more in common with them than us but I feel like they're a lot more impressed by their more high flying achievements than our more humble ones.

Dont get me wrong, my in laws love seeing our children and have been generous to us but I don't think we're as interesting to them as their daughter is. Plus, they're always recalling how she was such an easy, amazing child and my DH was harder work. Should this shape a parent's regard for their child, even as an adult? Just makes me a little sad for DH to seeing it from the outside.

Opinions please? Thank you.

I have no doubt at all that my parents love and like DB and I equally and when we were growing up we were always treated absolutely fairly.

However as adults we have different relationships with our parents. My brother lives further away, has a very busy job, lots of family activities, can go for weeks without speaking to our parents and sees them a couple of times a year. I see them every 1-2 months, we speak most weeks and I'm probably closer to the day-to-day stuff in their lives than DB is. I'm also under no illusions that as they get older and need more support I am likely to be the one doing the bulk of it.

Different adult relationships don't necessarily mean a 'favourite child' although I'm sure if you asked my brother's wife she would assume that I am the favourite.

No one ever admits they have a favourite child, but many do. It's at the root of the mental health problems my DH has suffered as he was the least favoured twin growing up. He wasn't badly treated as such, just ignored while his twin was always the centre of attention. It's been awful for him and he struggles with feeling any sense of self worth to this day.

To those who have more than one child, be very careful about treating your children equally, you may not think you're being abusive, but paying one more attention than the other(s) can cause no end of harm.

Growing up my sister was the golden child, did nothing but got everything, while I did loads to help around the house but got no credit.
Flash forward 10 years and the tables have turned, when my sister decided Money was more important than family, the rest of my family finally saw her true colours!

Dp has 2 younger brothers and the youngest is so obviously favoured it is embarrassing. I can't get my head round it as my parents never behaved like this with me and my sibling.

Definitely. It was my mother's birthday the other day. She looked at my cards and gifts and said thank you. My sister came in with flowers and a balloon and she got the biggest hug. I can't remember the last time she hugged me and that hurts me. I could never do that to any of my children.

My brother to a certain extent was the favourite but not ridiculously so and I always felt loved and secure. He and I were close too which helped.

My pil favour my sil (only girl out of 4). However she is really integrated into their lives and makes a huge effort too. They show us benign indifference.

DH was his grandparents favourite by a country mile though. The stories I've heard of their childhood sound insane.

I have 2 dds and we do have a golden child/black sheep thing happening but it's tongue in cheek - dd1 shouts golden child at the top of her voice whenever dd2 gets praise. Dd2 is quiet, studious and eager to please. Dd1 is loud and a bit selfish. But dd1 makes me laugh more than anyone ever in the world and dd2 is actually quite self centred. Both my golden girls, both my black sheep.

My sister in law is definitely the golden child,so much so that my fil has already signed his house over to her.

To those who have more than one child, be very careful about treating your children equally, you may not think you're being abusive, but paying one more attention than the other(s) can cause no end of harm

It's not that simple. Its not like they all want the same level of attention! I have 5 children, I love them all equally. However they all have different needs and wants and I have a different relationship with all of them. In later years when they look back it's possible they may see this as one or another being favoured, but that doesn't mean that is actually the case.

You can't always treat your children equally, its not how life works.

I can see how as children become older relationships change, one child may get on better with their parents than others, although with finances I think ideally they should be treat the same. Hopefully the love is equal even if the relationships are different. Although OP the situation you describe sounds like SIL is favored.

My brother will tell you that I’m the golden child and it’s true, however I make an effort with my mum, phone her most days, visit her, involve her in her grandchildrens lives and invite her places. He doesn’t. She rarely hears from him and is lucky to get a phone call on her birthday however I know his wife is a huge part of that as she doesn’t want my mum involved and he is that much of an idiot he just does as she says.

In our house I love both children equally however I do get on more with our youngest, we have the same nature, attitude to life, personality and enjoy spending time together. She takes time to spend with her dad and i whereas our eldest prefers to sit in his room, on the computer with friends or watching movies.

I think it's very common, unfortunately. Both my parents and PIL have a clear favourite child. My mother has actually said it to my face. We have very little contact with them.
My PIL would no doubt deny it if they were ever confronted about it but it is absolutely obvious. They have given this particular child £££, bailed him out on numbers occasions (all his own fault as opposed to bad luck), let him live in their home rent free for years, lied to the other siblings in order to protect him. None of their children speak to each other and none have a great relationship with their parents.
Blatant favouritism is very destructive.

@NotSoMissHoney07 - your PIL certainly seem to favour SIL. They sound like snobs who like to show off about their children's achievements.

@CupidStunt22 - perception is important and your child's future perception of events is just as important as yours. I also have several children and they have their own individual perceptions of my behaviour towards them too. No point in my denying it, it's their feelings even if it isn't mine.

What Mrs Robinson's Handprints said. 😀

I have no doubt my parents love my brother and I the same but I’ve always been the one to stay with them overnight when I visit, go on holiday with them as an adult and with my mum we just have more in common I guess. I’m very close to my 28yr old son, so not sure if it’s a gender think (he is gay whether that’s relevant). I think once grown up children have their own kids parents often feel closer to the daughters children. Was definitely the case with my family.

MIL and Ex-Mil both favour their daughters over their sons.
My DGM favours her DD to her DS- Its always been obvious and she favours her DGDs (Her DD children) over me and my siblings.

I have 3 DC and dont favour any- They are all treated equally

My DPs favored my Dsis over me when we were young. It definitely had an impact on me growing up.

my ex also favored his youngest DC over his two older DCs and it has had an obvious effect on all of them. He was also the favored child over his two siblings as well.

i think it’s very hurtful to do that to your children and it’s one of the reasons why I didn’t have another one as I feared I could be the same.

Yes sadly people definitely have favorites.
Your ILs sound catastrophically shallow.
I would feel sorry for them.

I am one of 3 siblings. DB2 ilived n the UK
When my Dad was finally going off into the abyss of Alzheimers, my Mother called & told my older (favorite) DB1 who lived far away overseas, that if he wanted to see Dad even remotely "himself" for a last time, he needed to get home fast.

She did not call me, I live in France...

This just one of hundreds if anecdotes I could recount, showing how we siblings were treated differently

OP,
If it is so obvious, no doubt it has fed your husbands anxiety.

I think when it is overt favouritism it is best to pull back.

My friends brother was the clear favourite always.

Fees paid, never asked to hand up any money when he lived at home, always fussed over.

Big donation to his first home whilst my friend was given a house warming gift.

She never said a word but got on with her life and lived it well with her children and lovely husband.

Golden boy moved several hours away with his job, and his parents were devastated as they had been very involved with childcare, pick ups for years with his children.

Predictably her mother told her they would expect to see more of her and the children now that her brother had moved.

It has never happened.

They are very involved with her in laws who have been devoted grandparents to her children and very kind people.

My friend felt really blessed with her in-laws.

Her mother tried to complain but my friend simply never engaged and stuck to the routine that her parents were very happy with for a full decade, they would see them once every 6 weeks or so.

Funnily enough her determination not to put herself out was not about any personal hurt as she long ago accepted the status quo in her family.

What she wouldn't allow was her children to be suddenly used by her parents when they were simply too busy with her brothers children for a decade.

A decade on and her children have a pleasant distant relationship with her parents.

She absolutely has not stepped into any caring role.
Her parents are spending their money on any and all care and will no doubt leave the remainder to golden boy whom they barely see once a year.

Interesting. I have 3 kids, 18, 16
and 9. I don’t think we have a favourite, and if/ when they ask
I said my you all irritate me equally.

Each one thinks another is the golden child, so that is a relief - their answers/ reasons constantly change.

We make sure we treat the same in terms of money spent on presents. But as others say, individually they need different things from you at different times. DC1 was a difficult child until about age 13. DC2 soooooo easy going. Dc3 a sort of
cross between the 2. Dc1 very academic, glittering prizes, dc2 compares herself and feels
she suffers in comparison.

But she is charming, and funny and vivacious and the ‘seasoning’ in our rather quiet family. I miss her the most when she is not there - the other 2 much prefer their own company/ screens (as did I as a child). I don’t think it is something as black and white as favourite, but also who is ‘sympatico’. I would always treat them absolutely equally - but as DH says, it is dc2 who will visit us in the care home…😉

@CupidStunt22 when I said treating them equally, I didn't mean you must divide your time equally between them, whether they want it or not. What I meant was ensuring their emotional needs are met equally.
One child may demand or require a lot of attention for whatever reason, while another seems fine so is largely ignored. Or maybe one is well behaved and one isn't, one is sick and one is healthy, one is loud and fun, one is quiet and reserved, one is on your wavelength, another isn't.
All children need to feel loved, secure and valued. It's really important as parents that we ensure the emotional needs of all our children are met or we risk sewing the seeds that could lead to lifelong mental health issues.

That is a really good explanation and other than the fact she has more brothers you could be my daughter writing that.

One of my GC has promised he won't let my children put me in a horrible home if the time comes. He's nearly an adult so I trust him. On the other hand the youngest was nagging me yesterday about how long she had to wait for something and in the end I said it would be 20 years. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well you'll be dead by then." Don't think I'll be relying on her for my care needs, don't think sympathy or tact are her strong points but she is hilarious and very bright, quite scary for a 5 year old at times.

God yes!

No you don't understand. The point is that you will be necessity treat them differently, and you will try to treat them equally and fairly. But that doesn't mean that they will see it that way. One may require or want a lot of attention while another seems not to want to spend time with you...but later on may see this as you favouring the other one.

The point is that just because a child (or adult) confidently asserts that a sibling was or is the favourite and they are hard done by, it doesn't mean their perception is correct. It doesn't mean the parent did anything wrong. Perception is not reality.

Ex SIL was always the parents favourite, despite her causing the most trouble (drugs, in trouble with police etc). ExH has never measured up, despite doing more to help his parents.
Sadly it has also followed that they favour her children over his, to the extent that my daughter (his DD) hasn't seen her grandparents in 4 years.