Favourite child?

[NotSoMissHoney07]

Do parents favour one child over another?
I'm wondering this with regards to my DH and his sister. From the outside looking in, it seems that they 'like' her more. I'm sure they love them both the same but I sense a difference in how they regard one to the other.
I'm an only child so can't go on my own experiences on this one. Although, I do have a son and daughter myself now so it's made me think about it more I guess and I just can't imagine favouring one over the other.

My DH and his sister are very different. She and her partner have a business they've grown from scratch and are massively into sport which relates to the business. They're very competitive with their sports and professional development. They're always going away on seminars, are into coaching/mindset stuff, doing local press and social media things, etc. It's all quite high profile. They have dogs but aren't that keen on having children. Both are very functional individuals with no issues that I know of. So that's where they're at.

My DH has a long term problem with anxiety and depression since he was a young teenager. This has shaped his life somewhat with work especially. But despite this, he has always worked and has even trained as a counsellor himself. We have two little ones and my DH is a real family person. He's got a heart of gold but has his problems. It doesn't seem like his parents have ever understood his mental health and I think this shows in their regard for him. He doesn't ever burden them with it as he knows they don't get it.

On social media, my in laws frequently post things about their daughter and her partner. Their successes and holidays they've had altogether. My mil rings her daughter all the time but rarely my DH. I know they've probably got more in common with them than us but I feel like they're a lot more impressed by their more high flying achievements than our more humble ones.

Dont get me wrong, my in laws love seeing our children and have been generous to us but I don't think we're as interesting to them as their daughter is. Plus, they're always recalling how she was such an easy, amazing child and my DH was harder work. Should this shape a parent's regard for their child, even as an adult? Just makes me a little sad for DH to seeing it from the outside.

Opinions please? Thank you.

CupidStunt22 - perception is important and your child's future perception of events is just as important as yours. I also have several children and they have their own individual perceptions of my behaviour towards them too. No point in my denying it, it's their feelings even if it isn't mine

Their perception of your feelings though....they can't decide how you feel or felt, can they? Well they can but they can't tell you what your feelings were/are! If their perceptions are wrong, they are wrong. They aren't debateable.

My brother was my dm’s golden child. He was a funny cute toddler who got her through the death of a 3 month old baby… I was the identical twin reminder. This is my theory - db can do no wrong. With that came very high expectations though. Don’t get me wrong, dm was loving and a great mum but there were times she’s struggled with me and I couldn’t make sense of it at the time. Mind you, I’m also more like her sister than her so maybe my personality was one she struggled to gel with? My df however adored me and is very proud.

as adults dm is very fair almost too much, to the pennies on Christmas gifts (she once gave me 20p in an envelope in addition to my gift as she’d spent 20p more on db!) so I think she’s recognised it herself. We do have a good relationship now.

dh’s brother is the golden one and that affects him much more. His parents cannot be proud of anything he does and they should be bloody proud! Dh is an amazing, kind, intelligent man but his parents don’t see that and I’m so sad for him. His recent promotion was acknowledged by his mum at the end of a text saying he hadn’t spent enough on his DF’s birthday gift.

Some children growing up are easier than others though so I don't think they are unreasonable in feeling that but I probablu wouldn't say it ad I wouldn't want them to get upset. Growing up my middle sister has had more issues and that made parenting her harder than it did the rest of us. It bought my mum closer to her as she often needs according to my mum at least more 'help' and attention. My dad feels differently.

As the kids grow and develop personalities you will get on more with different ones. I think that is very normal, of course you love them all but might enjoy one child's company over another. I know as an adult I prefer my dad's company as he actually listens when I speak and shows a genuine interest in my work and the things I enjoy. My mum whilst loving is more focused on the grandkids.

My own kids are very young but I am aware that I am more protective over my eldest, she was a tiny baby and her gross motor development delay means that physically she is just behind her peers. I feel the need to build her confidence and advocate for her more, I worry about her more. My son is the middle child, my only son and we are very close, I don't have the same concerns for him as I do his sister. I enjoy seeing the world through his eyes and he is a mummy's boy at least for now. The youngest is a baby and most likely my last child, I'm determined to savour every moment with her. No favourites at the moment.

There isn't much you can do about how his parents feel, if it impacts your dh negatively I'd go low contact.

My DP's mother has made it very clear that she has a favourite and it's not him. He was treated differently from day one. She told me that he damaged her when he was born and in my opinion, has disliked him since then. They are now NC, which is better for him, but has made his DF very sad.

I don't know if my DM has a favourite. I have a closer relationship with her than DS, but I know she's so pleased when DS visits or contacts her.

I think it's rotten to show favour and I'd challenge it if my DPs were being obvious about it.

Absolutely this!! I think this really hits the nail on the head with my op.
With my DH and sil, they've always been treated equally in terms of material needs. However, I think my in laws neglected and continue to neglect dh's emotional needs. Sil doesn't appear to have any emotional issues therefore they seem to prefer her company. DH very rarely tells them about his mental health. A few months ago, he casually told his parents within conversation that he'd started on a different anti depressant for his anxiety. His mum's only response was, "what are you worried about then?" I felt like screaming, your son has had anxiety and depression since he was 14! There's literally no understanding there.

It can change overtime as well. I think it is normal for relationships to change when teenagers are becoming more independent, maybe move away, form new relationships and your position in their lives changes. It can then change again when maybe they marry, have children and start to understand that being a parent isn't always as straightforward as they think.

Memories change as well, one of my sons told me I gave his sister help at uni and not him. I pointed out I paid his rent for 3 years, he said that was wrong and in the end I got my bank statements out and showed him the payments. He'd totally convinced himself he'd had no help, maybe because I paid his landlord rather than giving him the money. He wasn't complaining by the way, just saying he'd always done things for himself. He was taken aback when the penny dropped. Just think if he hadn't made that comment he'd have gone through life with no memory of the thousands I'd paid for him.

My dad is the eldest of 3. There's him, my uncle and my auntie (youngest).
My grandad 100% favours his only daughter and my Nan's favourite is my uncle (she told my mum this).
I do believe this has lead to some pretty obvious emotional damage in my dad and him following suit with having a favourite child.
Parents shouldn't have a favourite child. And if a child can name a "favoured" sibling then you're doing a shit job as a parent. I have never felt that my mum has favoured either me or my brother. We are loved equally. My dad however quite clearly favoured my brother when we were younger. But this changed as we got older. As a result neither me nor my brother are very close with our dad whereas we are both close with our mum.

Parents shouldn't have a favourite child. And if a child can name a "favoured" sibling then you're doing a shit job as a parent

Don't be ridiculous. And judgemental. Just because someone thinks their sibling is favoured doesn't mean they actually are. People believe all sorts of nonsense that isn't true.

They are not wrong. They are both perceptions and both debatable. You seem to perceive that you treat your children fairly. One or more of them may perceive that you don't. They are both perceptions and one isn't more valid that the other.

Your other responses earlier on seem to be suggesting that you don't accept the DC's perception or version of events at all. You suggest that it is all the DH's and OP's responsibility/ fault. It's pretty apparent from what the OP has written that this isn't the case. In many cases, despite denying it, parents do have favourites and do favour one DC over others. There may be lots of reasons for it and obviously there is a scale. To make a blanket denial that it ever takes place and to deny the DC's feelings is just wrong and potentially destructive as is obvious favouritism.

Funnily enough me and DH were talking about this yesterday. We have 3 children and I asked (out of earshot of the DC!!) If he had a favourite and he admitted that he did. He loves all of our three equally but admitted that our eldest son is his favourite. That definitely surprised me as I honestly couldn't work out which one would have been. I love all of our three but I admit to feeling very attached to my youngest son (second child). I am very conscious of it and I try and do everything I can to make sure I treat all of my children equally and make sure that they know that they are all loved lots. It's early days as my kids are still young so I hope that things will even out.

I have found that my relationship s with each of them have changed over time as they have each developed their own personalities and need different things from me. Right now our youngest dd takes up a lot of my attention and energy but she is still a breastfed baby so that's why. Our youngest son is currently being assessed for autism and ADHD and can be extremely challenging, especially for my husband. My eldest is the funniest most creative kid you will come across but I do find him quite difficult sometimes. He is struggling at school at the moment and so requires a lot of emotional support at the moment.

I have long since realized that I will not keep everyone updated happy all the time so I settle for loving each of them in the way they need me too and hope for the best. I think the best thing to do is to acknowledge that you have a favourite (never in front of the children!) And do whatever you can to overlook itand treat your kids as fairly as you can.

My brother was always the golden child. However, as I observe is often the case, he was nowhere to be seen when my Dad had cancer and needed care. The last few months were hard and he only spoke by phone- he never came to visit or provided any help. He was in Dad's house in 24 hours after he died though wanting to arrange a sale. Such is life.

I don't understand how you're not getting it. If I have a feeling, YOU can't debate it. It's MY feeling. YOUR perception of my feeling is your affair, but your perception doesn't change MY feeling. It's not subjective, it's MINE.

There's no blanket denial. I haven't said or suggested that parents don't have favourites, or treat children very differently. You are ascribing opinions and words to me that I have not stated, at all. I am merely pointing out the (should be obvious but clearly isn't) fact that just because someone thinks they have a sibling who is a favourite doesn't mean that's actually true.

You may percieve something to be true and it is true. You may percieve something to be true and it is not true. Do you follow now?

Probably not much point in continuing to debate this. Simply, your feelings (perception of reality) and your children's feelings (perception of reality) are equally valid and one does not trump the other.

A parent may not admit that they have a favourite even to themselves. There are lots of reasons for this eg. it's not really socially acceptable. My PIL, mentioned earlier, would deny having a favourite if they were ever confronted. However, their actions, over many, many years and the inter family problems they have caused, tell a very different story.

Well my son's perception of reality was that I didn't pay his rent for 3 years when he was at uni. The bank statements proved that my perception of reality, that I did pay his rent for 3 years, was actually the truth.

I think deep down parents do. Not love one more than another, but like and get on with one child more than the others.
I always have clashed with my son. He was a very wilful child and even now he's 18 we can be at loggerheads. He has the opposite personality type to be (extrovert, needs constant outside stimulation, very high energy). A doer more than a thinker. My daughter is more biddable and like me (introvert, happy in her own company, not very high energy, thinker rather than doer).
I love them both - they are my world. But I'd rather live with my daughter than son, and I guess that does mean I favour her more. It also means I carry a bit of guilt and do try and overcompensate with my son, leading my daughter to believe I favour him as I let him get away with stuff!

@NotSoMissHoney07 your PILs sound like ghastly shallow snobs to me so in your position I would probably be grateful for the excuse to keep them a bit at arm's length personally.

The notion that they favour SIL because she was an easier baby is abhorrent, particularly if it's now 20+ years later. I had one dream baby, one nightmare one (and one somewhere in the middle!). The difficult one was last and sure it was a bit of a shock, but I don't like her any less because a) she was a baby and b) it wasn't her fault. Your PILs sound like really shit parents.

Probably not much point in continuing to debate this. Simply, your feelings (perception of reality) and your children's feelings (perception of reality) are equally valid and one does not trump the other

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

My feelings (whether I have a favourite child or not) and my childrens preceptions of MY FEELINGS are not equally valid.

Think about it. You say to a man : I don't love you (these are your feelings). HE says, well I think you do! (this is his perception of your feelings). Are they equally valid? Is it impossible to say whether you love him or not? NO, obviously! Only YOU can say what your feelings are. No-one else can. They can get the wrong idea about your feelings, and you can tell them they are wrong. There is no debate.

Do you understand the point being made now?

If you don't really like them, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Unless your husband is heartbroken about it.

My favorite child changed daily however i will say my 3rd has held strong since she was born almost 2 years ago (last child and the baby)😂

In reality i love them all equally for different reasons. I want them all to have happy loving lives and i will always strive to never treat them differently.

If any of my children thought i have a true favorite i would be devastated.

Each of them are so precious.

DH is definitely the less-preferred child between his siblings - but he's shit with phonecalls and birthdays so it's partially his own fault.

I love my girls equally - DD2 has a much easier personality and is much more naturally affectionate - she's a total cuddler and will always be squished up against you - which gets wearing at times... DD1 is much more of her own person, with a short temper (gets it from me) and so it can be harder work, but she also is the personality type who loves things like days out shopping and crafting things together (while her sister will blow all her money in Build-a-Bear, complain her feet hurt and that she wants to go home) so it's meeting them where they're at as individuals really (when the bank balance allows it!)