Neighbour has truly annoyed us

[Cheeseandbiscuits2]

Me and DP don't live together, so this has happened at her house. Her NDN garden backs onto her garden and in lockdown they removed their garden panel and the neighbour next to them so they could sit in their gardens and talk. Anyway after lockdown they put a panel back but I was much smaller so could see over it.

Anyway the other day my DP went out, came home and NDN and some other guy were in her garden, had replaced one of her fences and posts without her permission and done a total bodge job. It's higher than all the others, he's wedged some other kind of wood in a large gap, put these 3 wooden batons randomly at the bottom on the panel on her side, then he must of walked further in her garden and wedged some more wood in a panel where a gap must have been. It looks awful!!
I'm so angry for her and she's also really upset and annoyed. However she's too polite to say anything and I believe he knows that.

Aside from this he's also sent her a highly inappropriate text a few months ago which completely damaged any friendly neighbourship they had. He also has a wife who told him he was highly inappropriate too.

This man has fallen out with most of the neighbourhood and I can see why!

Albu to go knock on his door and told him to sort the fence out. Or just sort it ourselves?

It's your girlfriend's house, tell her if she's bothered by it to put her big girl pants on and do something about it.

Your dp really needs to be an assertive adult and address this herself with her neighbour

Your DP needs to go do it, you will just look unhinged if you go round there as it’s not even your house. YANBU to be annoyed though

Who owns the fence? What happened to the one that was removed during lockdown?

You can go and ask politely, but tbh it must have looked crap before as an uneven height. (And with one panel removed). If he owns the fence and says no, then all you an do is ask to swap it for something matching yourself.

Tbh, I'd just grow something in front of it to hide it. And get over being "truly annoyed"

she's also really upset and annoyed. However she's too polite to say anything

She needs to take responsibility for addressing this. It’s not your house and you don’t live there.

Don't know if this is any relevant but we are both women and I don't feel like he wouldnt have done this if a was a male partner.
He also wouldn't have sent the highly inappropriate text I feel either.

It's her fence and boundary

That’s out of order.
i agree ideally your dp would speak to them. Maybe she could do it while you are around for moral support and\ or you could help her prep how she wants to approach it with her neighbour.

I wouldn’t let it go though. I think she needs to make it clear that they shouldn’t enter her garden without permission or it’ll happen again.

What was the nature of the text?

it does sound concerning that he’s crossing multiple boundaries. I think the fact she a woman could be highly relevant. Some males get a kick out of crossing women’s boundaries.

Well it's sunny today and no doubt they will be outside, so this would be an opportunity to chat about the fence wouldn't it.
If it's her fence she can take it out and let them have it bit put her own in there

If you let him get awaywith it, what will be next?

She had covid and was isolating and he text and said his wife told him she had it and said let me know if you want me to come round and rub vicks over your chest I know it would make me feel better.

She didn't reply, was shocked he sent that. He then sent another later saying his wife said it was inappropriate and that was his sense of humour. Again DP didn't reply.

I feel like if he hadn't of sent that message DP would feel more likely to say something about the fence but he's made it very awkward now and I'm so angry at him.

If she can't speak directly to him how about she sends him and email or letter. If it's her boundary he's out of order. Tell him he has x days to remove and make good. Then when he's done that out a 6' fence up!

Is it definitely her fence? Not a shared?

Do you have a pic? I can't really imagine what it is he's done? Although it sounds like a complete pig's breakfast!

Was there anything wrong with the old fence that he was trying to 'repair'? And do you know if it's his fence or DPs?

Either way they had no business coming into DPs garden without permission.

Does DP have contact details for the DW? She sounds like she might be more sensible than her DH and a text with a photo asking what's happened to the fence might be a good start?

When you say they've wedged wood in, does that mean it's sticking out into DPs garden, propping up the fence? If that's the case she'd be completely reasonable to tell them to take it away, and fix it properly.

Going against the grain here to wonder out loud whether maybe it could work out in your DPs favour if you were to go round instead of her? She has to live next door to him and wants to keep the peace. You can be the ‘bad guy’ in the neighbours eyes instead of her.

She should organise sorting the fence quickly though if it’s her boundary to maintain. Otherwise he’ll wrongly think he’s done her a favour.

Can your partner speak to his wife? She’s already noted the text was in shit taste so may be more reasonable to approach?

I feel like if he hadn't of sent that message DP would feel more likely to say something about the fence but he's made it very awkward now and I'm so angry at him

Gosh receiving that message would make me MORE likely to go and have a stern word with him about the fence, not less.

Zero fucks given about his feelings or reactions if he's that much of a slimeball.

How about you find a compromise and go over together? And if necessary, speak to his wife, not to him?

Ok so he's obviously a misogynistic prat BUT it sounds like his wife is aware of this and to some extent keeps him in check.

If it's your partner's fence and she can afford it, I'd ignore him completely and just get a brand new extra high (as high as is allowed) super strong fence put up ASAP. No response to anything else, he sounds, at best, like an attention seeker. When you get the new fence put up just rip up the bodge and deposit it in his garden. It's his.

Go for it OP. I alway began these convos with "there seems to be some confusion" before getting them told. "I'm sure you'll agree" and "thankyou for being thoughtful and replacing the panel, but we'd already ordered a new one" etc etc. Catch more flies with honey and all that. And NEVER piss about with your fences, nor get chummy with your neighbours, it is bound to turn ugly!

It made me feel more inclined to say something but she doesn't want to spoil the peace as she has to live here.

I would tell your dp to speak to the neighbour, tell him what he’s done is not on as he’s damaged her fence and either he gets it made good or she does and sends him the bill.

If your DP is too anxious to speak to them and you are willing to do it for her, then I think you should. I don't know why people are being so harsh. Comments like 'put your big girl pants on' are insensitive. There are plenty of reasons why some people find confrontation difficult, especially with a sexist pig like your DP's neighbour

I want to chime in and say that in my last house I know some neighbours treated me differently because I was a woman living alone. Aggressive. Dismissive. But all mate this and mate that with each other.

I had to be quite stern to make my point and stand up for myself.

It is okay to firmly emphasis that you have boundaries and they can’t mess with your property.

Some men really like to be disgusting, don't they?

She'll need to address it somehow, unfortunately. Staying silent won't fix anything. What if you both went together, as a united front? Yes, you don't live there, but you're her partner and she feels anxious about dealing with it on her own.

OP - daft question perhaps- is your DP certain it’s her fence? As the fence is at the back of both gardens it could be a shared fence?
Either way, if it looks shit it looks shit.
I’s go around together - if he’s a massive creep she’s likely to be intimidated (I would be)

I think it's okay for you to talk to them, but don't make it any worse. You could maybe discuss DP replacing the damaged area and then sharing the cost? (That's still not fair but it reduces the level of confrontation.) I'd be replacing it, sending them the bill, then maybe getting legal advice about making sure they pay it. Of course, you need to make sure it's definitely her boundary first.