To think this is absolutely disgusting or am I missing something?

[veralera]

I met my brothers new girlfriend last night. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't too keen. Something about her seemed off to me but I never get too involved in his relationships anyway. I put it down to maybe nerves etc but I just didn't get a good vibe from her.

Anyway to my surprise, she sent me an Instagram follow request which I accepted and returned as I'm thinking is a nice gesture from her.

I was scrolling through her pictures and I came across this one of her ex boyfriend and her child.s The ex boyfriend is not the sons father.

The ex boyfriend is holding the child (I'm unsure of how old he is, maybe 5ish) in one arm and holding a cup in the other.

The cup says 'I LOVE ANAL'

He is holding up the cup with the child and they are both smiling at the camera.

Am I wrong to find this massively disturbing? I just don't get it. Am I missing something?

All I can see is a man holding a child not belonging to him along with a sexual reference.

If I'm over reacting or missing something then please tell me. I'm very close to my brother and I know he really want us to get on. I will try regardless but something just sits un easy with me.

Just to add, my brother isn't on social media at all so he will not have seen this picture.

Does the cup belong to your brother's girlfriend?

I think you are over reacting based one photograph with her now ex-boyfriend. It could well be she thought it was crass and dumped him. It could be that the mug was one of those that you keep in the back of the cupboard as a spare and they didn’t realise what it said until after the photo was taken. It could be any of a million things.
i have a mug where the handle is a penis, it was bought for me as a secret Santa joke years ago and I kept it because it’s an otherwise good mug. I don’t even think about what it is anymore because it’s just a mug. It wouldn’t even enter my head that it was anything except a mug.

You absolutely cannot know what they were thinking. You have no idea if they purposely did anything. The mug might have been entirely incidental.

Why do you keep pointing out that this man was holding a child that wasn't his?

If you state EXPLICITLY what you're so obviously hinting at, it might make you realise you're being OTT here.

A)men hold kids that aren't theirs all the time
B) a mug is a mug is a mug. Maybe if it said an inflammatory remark e.g. racism, or something equally hateful, and you knew she'd purchased it for herself because she identified with it, I'd see the issue
C)Maybe he was involved for years with this child and so did take on the step father role in all but legal terms
D)kids meet people all the time, as a parents friend. They don't look to every new incomer as a new parental figure.

I just felt something was off with her yesterday, almost like she showed no interest in myself or my family and wasn't interested in getting to know us.

YABU

I think you are trying to find something wrong with this women.

You’ve said she was off with you.
You’ve got an issue that a man is holding her DD who isn’t her dad.
You already think she’s the wrong type of women.

I get wanting the best for your brother but stalking his new gfs SM isn’t normal and you’re going to end up pushing him away.

This women could be a wrongen but you don’t know that and it’s better if your brother finds that out for himself.

You don’t know anything about the man in the photo (or the new gf) so you can really tell anything from just that photo. It could easily be an unfortunate angle or someone took a photo of him drinking out of it and he didn’t realise what it said.
I don’t find those cups funny but I very much doubt the child could understand.

Grim.
And inappropriate on every level.

But he’s picked her.
You do sound like a splendid sister though.

Could it be a joke picture? Holding up the child and a cup saying anal meaning "I'd rather have anal as contraception than deal with kids". Sort of like those condom adverts of kids crying. I agree it's in bad taste whatever but wonder if it's more of a joke than anything sinister behind it.

I feel the kid going through multiple father figures in so little years isn't ideal but people make mistakes.

Girl, no. Making alphabetti saying 'fuck you' or whatever to a child is not the same as a novelty mug. Maybe if the mug said 'he likes anal' with the child in the picture you'd have a point. The mug had nothing to do with the child- the alphabetti was a mother resenting her child and insulting them for likes.

The cup is very tasteless. & personally, I wouldn’t want one in the view of children who could read. But I wouldn’t call it “absolutely disgusting”. I’d just scroll on, as it’s none of my business what someone posts on their social media.

You’re obviously a very caring sister, and are concerned for your brother. I am the same. (I have a younger brother and he seems to attract lazy women who take financial gain from him because he’s so generous. He’s very generous and very naive. His previous 2 relationships have been with women who don’t work due to mental health issues , and he gets taken advantage of financially to support them).

All you can is be there for your brother and don’t get too overly involved. Don’t give him advice unless he asks for it. Keep his girlfriend at arms lengths if you get an “off” vibe from her. First impressions and gut feelings are very telling.

I think you're overreacting, to be honest. It's a naff mug, that's all.

Any adult posing with an cup like that isn't an issue. It's just adding a small child who is being held by a man who isn't even his father that doesn't sit right with me.

It's tasteless, but it isn't remotely sinister.

Whether she introduces her son to her boyfriends etc, what he called them and so on really isn't anything to do with you. I do completely understand your misgivings over that, but I think you need to step back and accept that your brother is an adult and he should be dating the women he likes, not the women his sister likes. For what it's worth - I loathed my ex-SIL and thought a lot of her parenting decisions and life decisions in general were at best questionable and at worst insane, so I know how you feel, but ultimately, your brother has chosen her because he likes her and it won't probably won't help anyone if you point out all her shortcomings to him.

You sound like you care for your brother very much and want the best for him - and she doesn’t sound like she fits the category of ‘best’. Anyone who hangs about with people who thinks that ‘I love anal’ is just about as funny as it gets is probably as dim witted as they are.

It also sounds like quite a complicated set up she’s got going on there - does he really want to get embroiled in that?

I think you are over reacting and looking for problems. The mug sounds like its obviously a joke, not something I personally find funny but neither are lots of things I see on social media, just scroll on its nothing to do with you!

I'm not sure why the picture means brother is with a woman who's not right for him, it seems the woman has a history of choosing inappropriate men!

It's a happy picture of a man with a child. I don't really think what's written on the mug changes that, but I do wonder why you'd publish the picture! Or use the mug...

I have a brother to whom I am pretty close.

I would make him aware of if. I wouldn't maka a massive thing about it. Just say sonething along the lines of "that was nice XX requested to follow me on Instagram, although I was a bit taken aback by the picture of her ex with her son (explain re picture)"

he doesn't have much about him charming endorsement from his sister hey. Don't worry, if your brother is that great, I'm sure it won't last long.

I wouldn't own the cup or share the photo but if you're suggesting that there's some element of permitting sexual exploitation as a minimum, I think you're over stretching. If she just has a sense of humour you don't, that's not an issue.

So you've scrolled back through her instagram until you've found a single photo to disapprove of, and you think she's the weird inappropriate one?

The picture doesn't sound great (although the cup might well have extra letters on it further around), but I don't think insta-stalking* people in order to judge them is anything to shout about either.

(* taking the time to scroll back through all someone's old photos is stalky, imo)

I wish I had half your optimism - having seen a man (with his three year old child) wearing a t-shirt with 'suck my dick' written on it, and one (with his wife and daughter) with 'nice legs, what time do they open?' on it, I have very little faith that the mug choice wasn't entirely deliberate.

I agree with this tbh. So much rapid judgement on this thread about one photo social media entirely lacking in context. Mumsnet is bizarre sometimes. Don’t really see what this photo of this guy and his cup has to do with your brother OP?!

Heaven forbid a child should be held by a man that’s not his father. What are you on about??!

I mean, the picture sounds like it's in questionable taste, but this is her ex, so what bearing does it have on her current relationship with your brother?

I don't see how the picture is "massively disturbing".

It's an indication that she has (it would seem) different tastes and standards to you. It's a joke and it it probably indicates she won't be that careful about swearing or mentioning topics you might find a bit taboo around children. But that's all the picture tells you. That really shouldn't be "massively disturbing".

If she's introducing short term boyfriends as step dads, that's a different matter. But it's not clear that's happening (sounds like it's possible she was with picture guy for 5 years and you only said that your DB had met the kid, not that he'd been made out to be a parental figure or anything).

So you've scrolled back through her instagram until you've found a single photo to disapprove of, and you think she's the weird inappropriate one?

The picture doesn't sound great (although the cup might well have extra letters on it further around), but I don't think insta-stalking people in order to judge them is anything to shout about either.*

( taking the time to scroll back through all someone's old photos is stalky, imo)*

I completely agree.

You can’t judge her when what you’ve done is just as bad.

Let him make his own choices and his own mistakes and he there to support him.

Something about her seemed off to me but I never get too involved in his relationships anyway.
Apart from when you obsessively trawl through their SM to find something to incriminate them with?

I was scrolling through her pictures and I came across this one of her ex boyfriend and her child.s The ex boyfriend is not the sons father.
You must have been doing an awful lot of scrolling to find this out. Must have been worth it when you landed this prize bit of info. I expect you feel validated now you've decided you are in a position to judge this woman you barely know.

Am I wrong to find this massively disturbing? I just don't get it. Am I missing something?
Yes.
It's a joke. A joke a 5 year old child won't read or understand.
Though the handle of the cup is shaped like a C....
Exactly. They are a common joke purchase. You can buy similar ones that just say "UNT" in giant letters.

All I can see is a man holding a child not belonging to him along with a sexual reference.
Because that's all you want to see.
You made up your mind to dislike this woman as soon as you met her.
If you hadn't 'just happen to scroll into' this post, you'd have kept digging for something else to judge her for.

If I'm over reacting or missing something then please tell me.
Wilco.
Stop judging. It's none of your business how many b/f's she's had or who her DC's fathers are. You are coming over as awfully misogynistic, you might wanna get that looked at ...

Hmmm I always have massive doubts when someone says 'oh they're an angel proper lovely bloke, always attracts the wrongs sorts has such terrible luck ECT ect' he either needs to improve his moral compass or he also has a part to play by seeking out questionable partners. The photo is neither here nor there, it's an ex, it's none of your business whatsoever and if you take that to your brother what do you hope to achieve. If she isn't right for him that will become apparent and you can be there for your brother if it falls apart. Obviously noone is going to agree that it's appropriate but the real point of this post is you seeking permission from a wider audience to sabotage your brothers relationship under the guise of 'caring'. It's not up to you to approve it's his choice, just because it appears it's a bad one is neither here nor there. At the end of the day its a tasteless picture that she thought was funny enough to post that's it

It's crude humour but clearly quite a popular product judging by how many are available and have sold.

So she has friends/ex boyfriends who have crude humour or she herself has crude humour.

Not in itself, the marker of an absolute wrong 'un.

I laughed at a fart today, I would drink my brew out of an 'I HEART ANAL' mug if thats what my brew came in. Todays mug is a hand made ceramic drippy job from Etsy. Yesterdays was Better Call Saul. Tomorrows might be the Penguin of Death. I have an eclectic mug collection!