Anyone else here who doesn’t believe in love?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

And I mean now more of the partnership, committed, romantic (not sexual) love.

Don’t start listing how you love your kids or nature.

I mean the, I choose you, let’s share this life together - what other people - kind of love.

Is that even real?

Yes. DH and I have been married for nearly 32 years. It was love at first sight in 1988. We made love love on our 2nd date having both fussed up. We have barely been apart since.

Every night he kisses me and then he reaches over my shoulder for "holden handen". Then we snuggle down and Instill kiss his chest a little as he hugs me. Even though we are old and our loins tingle far far more infrequently than in the past. Every morning we hug and he tells me he lives me and I him. Me first sometimes.

Can't remember wtf this thread is about Except I promise I love dh more than when I married him nearly 32 years ago and I back then and the night we met my heart hurt from loving him whilst my feet trod pink clouds and unicorns.

"In love" is sentimental, Hollywood fantasy - even tho must of us claim to have experienced it at some point.
But I think you can feel love for a partner or friend, even tho they may not always be likeable & we may not always want to be with them. It is a more realistic but durable emotion.

Actually I won't. Because there is no point.

I said feelings were broadly the same and universal amongst people. That's proven in many studies of the last 30 years. Most of which I've probably read.
But this is the internet and an anonymous message board. So it doesn't really matter what studies and results say, it can be hand waved away and ignored by those that choose too.

go well and with love...

I was cynical until I met my husband. Oh my god I can’t describe how much it hit me. I love him more and more as we grow together. It’s the only relationship I’ve ever had where I can picture us old together and I actually look forward to it.

It's an interesting question. I've been infatuated by people but I do think some of it was because they met certain criteria and some of it was in my own mind - I don't think it was really them but what I wanted them to be. I think for me it repeatedly falls over. I never really found someone who really had my back and is effective in defending it! I'm very competent myself so I have repeatedly found my partners to be unreliable - less reliable than me. And I don't think they have really looked after and cared for me. So like you, I don't know, but I don't think I have found it before. What I have found, has been, in truth, in my head - a figment of my hopes.

Actually I won't. Because there is no point

And then you did.

My husband was my soulmate. Only man I have ever been in love with, after quite a few relationships. I always knew I wasn't properly in love, until I was. When we were told he was terminally ill, I actually felt like they were telling us that 'we' (as in us) were terminally ill. I couldn't see him as separate from me in that moment. Of course we were separate people, and he died, and I lost the person who knew me and loved me so incredibly deeply at times I've felt I can't go on. He would be very cross about that though, and so I keep on keeping on. The loss of someone you love so terribly much is an awful thing.

By the way, I don't believe you can have only one soulmate. I've only had one, I don't know if I'll ever have another. I mean someone who sees you so truly, into your soul and loves you anyway.

I can't prove to you that love exists but I just know that it does. I can't tell you how much I miss it.

I can't prove to you that love exists but I just know that it does

I think there's enough people in a position to say this that scientific proof fails, really. Science and emotions don't mix. Science and physical responses to emotions do, but that's not the same thing.

Rubbish.

Just because you haven't been in love (especially a long term love) doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Long term love is so different from the early infatuation stage. As some PP has touched on it is the feeling that your partner has your back whatever. They are your harshest critic but at the same time your biggest cheerleader. But you know they are doing out of love and not spite. They want you to be happy but at the same time they have a deep understanding of your flaws and do everything to protect you from yourself.

Love is an emotion, just like anger, sadness, anxiety etc. It may well be that life events condition us to "push down" our emotions for fear of getting hurt, punished etc. I've often found that if someone is a little love-suppressed it comes out in other ways (sadness, disconnection from others etc).

As for the question of love as a concept? Sure. I'll likely be with my partner til we are 90.

Ridiculous post.

@Hbh17
"In love" is sentimental, Hollywood fantasy

What do you mean by this?

Yes, this is much more what I meant.
Not the early stage, where you don’t even know the person.

@Ouchmytoe100
Then move along.
I thought it was an very interesting question and I have been wondering about this for along time.
No reason to be upset.

I think the Disney, being swept off your feet, one true soul mate thing is not just bollocks, but dangerous bollocks.

I was surprised to realise that it's the other, proper, kind that you don't believe in, OP. That one absolutely exists. I think that the fact that lots of people (particularly women) are brought up to believe the Disney crap makes it much harder for them to choose a good partner whom they will love and who will love them and respect them. The MN Relationships board is littered with evidence of that. I pity people who think that love has to be hard work, traumatic, volatile, painful or full of drama in order to be real.

I know lots of happily married people, including almost all the married members of my and dh's extended families.

I think it does. But it's a very poor second to other, unconditional types of love, like parent to child.
Relationship love is condional and often transitory, lasting only as long your needs are best met by the other person. It requires each to keep their side of a fairly complex bargain, with a lot of clauses that change over time; and is dependent on no one else coming along that either party prefers.
Which i know sounds cynical, but divorce and separation rates suggest its true.

But it's a very poor second to other, unconditional types of love, like parent to child.

I'm not sure I'd describe it as a poor second - it's just different. It's something you choose, rather than something instinctive. We are hard-wired to love our children.

Huh?
What kind I don’t believe in @Fairislefandango?
(Though not sure I believe in any of it)

I don’t believe in Hollywood/Disney/soulmate/the one stuff at all.

I’m more asking about the stuff, call it love or whatever, where both (or all people) CHOOSE time after time to be with the other person.
Even if both look like shit, if there weren’t any sex, when other person gets ill, when it’s just mundane life.
Because they care fot each other, as they are.
They are not scared to be alone, or pressure to be in a relationship hasn’t got to them.
They just want to be together.

Yes, that's fair.

Agree, OP. I strongly believe in lust, in falling in love and riding the oxytocin's 6-month-wave. I believe in companionship and friendship after said wave but I could never love another adult the way I love my DC. The I'll kill or die for you love, completely unconditional and forever lasting one.
DH, all my relationships leading to him, were the same. Brilliant while the in-love stage lasted, then pleasant, until I got bored and moved on.

How interesting how so many people consider the ”in love” part to be in the beginning.
I’ve kind of been thinking that part comes later.
That when you know (as much as you can know a other person) and you want to be with them, choose them, the that’s the in love.
The calm, caring part.

Ha, good question!

I believe in lust, and companionship but personally I am not in love with my DH. I very much doubt he loves me, although he says he does.

I love my children more than I could explain.

My friend is truly in love with her DH, I find it hard to understand in a long term relationship.

I think I'm the sad one. She's very lucky.

@ProseccoStorm
Did you know you didn’t love him before marriage?
Sorry, if it’s too personal, of course you don’t have to answer if it is.

I don’t think you are, or that there is ”a sad one”.
People view things differently.
And who meets who and what those people makes us feel and believe.

At the time I was in absolutely in love with him, or perhaps rather the idea of him and us. It was a heart based decision to marry. I was young and naive perhaps.

In the months preceding our marriage I think there were signs that I should have walked away, it's easy with hindsight.

I'm not in love with him now. I just don't feel it. I broadly respect him, like him, we get on.