To think working TTO has screwed me over a bit?

[soapywaters]

I work TTO and for a long time believed this would be brilliant when I had my own family as wouldn’t have to worry about wraparound care.

The problem is in reality I’m starting to see it will translate as literally never having a break as either I will have my own children or be at work.

I get that as my own family grows this will not be such an issue but AIBU to think TTO isn’t as great as it sounds?

I've come to the conclusion that working parenthood is hard, full stop, and every working pattern has it's pros and cons. I've worked FT, PT, shifts, 9-5 and TTO and all have drawbacks.

Working TTO means I don't have the expense or hassle of finding holiday clubs, or have to call on favours from family and friends to cover the holidays. I enjoy the quality time with the kids although the six weeks over summer can feel a bit long! I like that DH can take his annual leave in the holidays so we all spend it together whereas many of our friends have to take their annual leave separately to ensure school hols are covered. There are lots of positives.

When I worked FT, TTO I did find it hard never having a break from the kids. I was always on duty either at work or at home. Now I work 3 days TTO and it's a really good balance, 2 days a week I have 6 hours to get stuff done while the kids are at school which has made life so much less stressful. I appreciate not everyone can afford to do that though.

I work in a regular office job, all my annual leave if used towards my child’s half terms- so tbh YABU to think you’re different to any other parent

I work a normal 9-5 and I feel like this to be honest as I can’t afford to just take a day annual leave knowing that I could have taken it in the holidays and not have to pay holiday club fees on that day. Admittedly I can take time off work for medical appointments but I then have to make that time off

I work TTO (apart from a few days in the holiday to catch up) and I take a massive pay cut doing so.

I never get any time to myself, can’t get an appointment, can’t have time off for anything, don’t get to attend my DDs school events, can’t have cheap holidays etc etc.

However, I wouldn’t change it as I know I am incredibly lucky to be able to have time off during the holidays and as a single parent with 0 help I would literally have to pay as much out in childcare than I would be earning each day.
I genuinely don’t know how other two parent families do it, let alone single parents on low incomes.

If you don’t want to work TTO then don’t but I think you need to realise how fortunate you are to have that option.

I've come to the conclusion that working parenthood is hard, full stop, and every working pattern has it's pros and cons. I've worked FT, PT, shifts, 9-5 and TTO and all have drawbacks.

I completely agree!

"the lack of flexibility is so difficult, everything - any medical appointments, haircuts and so on - need to be crammed into holiday time. I’m not joking, I never feel like I have a holiday!"

I don't believe that you cram medical appointments into holiday time, or that like most people you cannot arrange a haircut at weekends!

How do you think everyone else copes? - a large chunk of their salary going on nurseries and holiday clubs and if they take a couple of weeks off in the holidays they are looking after their kids.

If you need a break from your kids then use some of the money you've saved on childcare and put them in a club for a week. Seek out family/friend help or god forbid, get your husband to do his fair share for his kids.

@soapywaters 😅 I do think you should try and get time to yourself though if your DH can take the odd day off to himself he should be able to do the same to allow you in the holidays. Or put them in a holiday club. I agree though whatever way you work there are positives and negatives. Fingers crossed for the euromillions this evening!

You do have a massive advantage with that working pattern though. Its hard picking up at 6, squeezing in dinner, bed and homework. We use our annual leave to coincide with holidays so would very rarely get a day just to ourselves but do have that flex that we can. The holidays though are a massive advantage. For the next year we’ll have one in nursery and one in camps during holiday period - both in completely different locations and the one at camp with a range of hours. The one that will cover my work is about 30 mins away. It is a logistical pain.

Like another poster said, there are pros and cons of every pattern - juggling work and children is probably a challenge whatever you do.

Your partner will benefit from having some more flexibility than you. But your household will benefit from not having to use as much childcare.

Also if you and dh both worked regular jobs then you would have to split leave to cover the holidays and still have gaps where you have to find family to help or send to sports camp which the children don't always want to go to. You probably won't have enough leave to cover the school hols so won't have any spare days for haircuts and medical appointments anyway.

The stress/mum guilt will hopefully be a little less having holidays covered. So overall I think having term time only is great for a family.

You’re thinking about this wrong. Neither of you should be taking leave while the children are in school unless absolutely necessary. When DH takes leave during the school holidays, that’s when you get your break from the children, or time for the whole family together.

You have to balance any downtime against notbhaving the massive stress of sorting childcare, or your dc having to go to childcare that they don't like.

I'd be expecting your dh to use some of his leave to have the dc during hols so you get a break then.

YANBU. I work 3 days a week and found those 2 days while DS was at school so helpful for keeping on top of things at home. My DP often says his mum was "so lucky" to find a school secretary job 9-3pm term time only and I always put him straight that she literally never got time to do anything without kids around. The family as a whole benefited but I'm not sure she did personally! Although I will say that I do find it stressful sorting childcare for holidays and your children may be happier and more settled (in my experience of a slightly sensitive DS) that they have you around all holidays. I think you will benefit from planning time for yourself though when DH looks after the kids.

I think a man who worked TTO wouldn't be considered lucky so much, it'd be "isn't he good looking after those children ALL HOLIDAYS! And he works so hard too, he deserves a bit of time off...".

Also agree with this:
I've come to the conclusion that working parenthood is hard, full stop, and every working pattern has it's pros and cons. I've worked FT, PT, shifts, 9-5 and TTO and all have drawbacks.

I'm self employed I can't afford to take time off when kids aren't in school.

Get your DH to take time off on your holidays so you can have some child free time.

I don't get why this is specific to TTO.

If you were working full time, not term time only, you would either be working (during term time) or looking after your children (during the holidays) or juggling holiday childcare (during the bit of the holiday that your leave doesn't stretch to cover). I don't know anyone with pre-school/school age children that takes holiday during term time.
The only parents that get a break are the ones that work part time, say, 3 days a week, so have time off while their DC are at school. Or who work shifts (which of course comes with different problems).

The teachers I know all struggle with their husbands' attitude towards childcare during the holidays. They universally don't expect to have to do any because their other halves are 'all on holiday anyway'.

It's a rough deal imo.

just wondering if something part time throughout the year might suit me better and make things more equal?

So you will resent your husband if he takes annual leave during the school term?

If it's a tit for tat scheme, you need a new job, but will still have the issue of covering school holidays for school aged children.

I did a stint of TTO and yes I never got a bloody break or a quiet moment to weed out the toys they don't play with Chuck the oldest artwork in the recycling
They were always THERE

Just book them in childcare in hols sometimes. You can access the cheap 9-3 play/sports stuff that’s no use to parents who work.
I’d rather have 13 weeks hols than 4 or 5.
Assuming husband not term time only he can cover apts etc and you cover hols.

It’s the same for pretty much all parents except for a) SAHMs whose kids are at school or who are using the 15 ‘free’ hours at nursery or b) parents who work part time whose kids are in school.

This is me, there's a part of me that bitterly regrets having TTO childcare but the finances stacked up then and do so even more now. It is bloody exhausting though-

My mum was a teacher and my brother always went to football club (he was boisterous and also really good at football so wanted to go)
I sometimes went to a local cheap playscheme. You should have some time childfree if you want. PGL often has last minute offers and they take from age 7 or 8 - have a few days childfree if you want.

I think you are a bit unreasonable, from the point of view of someone who has always worked a year round schedule.My colleagues and I have to use leave for child care
Which often means not being off at the same time as one's partner as they are using theirs for the same purpose.There is a lot of negotiation around who's turn it is to take time off at Christmas etc. Those of us whose children have left school have to sacrifice school holiday time off etc.In any case, not to sound pious, but I loved being off with the DC and felt days off without them around was a waste .

Its hard picking up at 6, squeezing in dinner, bed and homework.

I work TTO and still have to do this. Most people who work TTO don't work school hours.

Surely every working parent who has school age kids only takes leave during school holidays. I work all year but never take leave unless it's with the kids. They have more holidays that I do!

Having done FT, jacked it all in because it was too much to juggle, and am now TTO after a few years at home, the TTO is by far less stressful. If you need a break over the holidays, put the kids in one of the 9-3 holiday clubs that you could never use when needing to cover a FT day and slob or get jobs done then.
Haircuts, opticians etc usually work weekends.
And by the time you get paid 5.6 weeks leave ontop of 39 week year, it's not a massive cut in pay (around 15%) to work 75% of the year.