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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work friendship hiccup. Am I being unreasonable?

89 replies

Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 20:00

I am sorry for rambling but I am somehow confused and maybe I just need to write it down.
I have a really good friend who I met in work and we are like a dream team. Quite different personalities, but we just work so well. There is absolutely no romantic interest, and we are just friends.
He is very smart but definitely lacks in the social skills department, so that’s an area where I sometimes need to “step in” because he is out of line and just too aggressive or dismissive with people. At the same time I know that I can be a bit of a pushover and he has definitely swooped in many times to help me out when people were putting pressure on me. So far so good.

He is a really good friend and colleague, but I have now come to realise that it seems to come with conditions, if that’s the right way of calling it. We didn’t have any issues, could disagree and discuss things, but I always felt kind of “special” because he just accepted my opinion and wouldn’t pull this shit.

Until now he never ever treated me like he treats others. When he doesn’t get what he wants (and we are both working in senior positions) he gets manipulative and maybe even a bit bullying. For example, we had a senior colleague who was super obvious about a body issue, and he used it all the time to make her feel uncomfortable to throw her off her game and control the situation. Of course it made me feel bad because she wasn’t nice at all, but not was he!
Last week we had a disagreement, and things suddenly changed entirely. It was nothing but a work related issue but he turned on that nasty side: switch flipped. I actually left the room and said I wouldn’t engage further on the matter, and he later apologised and said we had probably misunderstood each other.
Its really weird now. He is acting like nothing happened, and I am doing the same , but I know something changed that day. Part of me is feeling really hurt because I didn’t think he’d stoop to that level with me, but it happened so quickly. I don’t really know what to do or how to react. Do I try to talk it through, or is there no point? I don’t understand him when I thought I did. As I said we have been so close and such good allies, and it feels like a waste to throw it away, but part of me was really hurt by the event.

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 26/05/2022 20:05

Twat acts like a twat and you're suprised by that, you didn't step in when he was like it with others, but now you don't like that he's done it to you....meh...

RoomOfRequirement · 26/05/2022 20:06

I honestly find it a little gross to read that you were ok with him bullying other women in the workplace because you were 'special' but now want to complain that he's bullying you?

Eugh.

Harridan1981 · 26/05/2022 20:07

So it was ok when he was a twat to others? Sounds like a right catch as a friend.

Beanie567 · 26/05/2022 20:09

You’re useful to him so he’ll be pally with you while that’s still the case. But you now understand that it’s not real - it’s an act. He doesn’t actually like you for yourself, you’re not special or different to other colleagues, he’ll use whatever weakness he identifies in you if he needs to later on.

It feels weird because you know now that you are just another colleague to be used as and when.

saraclara · 26/05/2022 20:10

Sorry, but what everyone else has said. He's not a nice person and you were okay with that when it didn't affect you. Now it does and you have to suck it up like they had to. No-one will step up for you, just as you didn't step up for them.

Kanaloa · 26/05/2022 20:12

Well people who are nasty to others when they don’t get their way with them will be nasty to you when they don’t get their way with you. In other news, water is wet.

You’ve learned a lesson. You’re not ‘not like other girls.’ You don’t ‘just need to get to know him.’ He’s a bully and now he’s bullied you.

Brefugee · 26/05/2022 20:12

Oh, you're "not like other girls" or something?

He has been unprofessional bullying people and you have been unprofessional standing by and allowing it. And now you're on the receiving end it's suddenly not ok?

Karma is patient.

Badgirlriri · 26/05/2022 20:12

As other people have said, I have no sympathy for you when you accepted him doing it to others.

CupidStunt22 · 26/05/2022 20:12

As above. You were fine with him being a twat to others, but seem surprised he has now been a twat to you. Maybe you shouldn't have supported his twattishness so much.

L0stinCyberspace · 26/05/2022 20:13

Being bullied feels horrendous. Perhaps it's your turn now, but seeing as you never had anyone's back...

Googlecanthelpme · 26/05/2022 20:13

So you looked the other way when he was a dick to other people but now he’s been a dick to you you’re upset?

you knew who he was and chose to accept his negative side assuming it wasn’t pointed at you. But that’s who he is. It was obviously going to land in your direction eventually.

Id cut back on this work relationship now and take it as a lesson that we should treat people how we wish to be treated and that includes how we allow others to be treated in our presence!

Original poster
Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 20:13

Ok? No of course it wasn’t ok. But he wasn’t just doing this with women, that was just an example.
There is a lot of this behaviour happening in the company, but I just don’t engage in it because I don’t like it. But I guess I never got to experience it from someone I had trusted not to do that.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 26/05/2022 20:14

It’s a bit like nasty gossipy people too - I always say if someone talks nasty about people to you, they’ll talk nasty about you to people.’ People show you who they are and you decide if you can accept it.

Original poster
Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 20:21

I know what it sounds like, and yes, I probably should have seen it coming. Not that it matters but I did pull him
up when I thought he was being unreasonable. But I guess not always. It’s difficult to explain somehow.

OP posts:
DeliaOwens · 26/05/2022 20:22

It sounds like a transactional relationship and those can be common in a workplace. If you were not working together, would you be friends? Would you even see each other if it were not for work? The answer to this will determine how you operate going forward but it doesn't need to change your working relationship just recognise it for what it is an come to a kind of acceptance of what you will or will not tolerate.

Kanaloa · 26/05/2022 20:23

It’s really not that difficult to explain. You thought you were different. ‘Oh I can manage Jack haha! No he wouldn’t do that to ME. Once you get to know him you can manage him, I manage him, he listens to me.’

When in fact he’s a dick to anyone in the way of him having everything he wants. You got in the way and were no longer useful to him, so now he’s dropped the nice guy act on you.

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 20:26

I don't know why you think you've got some sort of special connection or something so that's ok but now he's flipped it's not OK? Stop over analysing your work relationships and keep it professional.

ExitChasedByABee · 26/05/2022 20:26

RoomOfRequirement · 26/05/2022 20:06

I honestly find it a little gross to read that you were ok with him bullying other women in the workplace because you were 'special' but now want to complain that he's bullying you?

Eugh.

I was thinking the same. Please see him for what he is. A bully. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He’s not your ally. He’s shown you his true colours and behaved with you how he is with others. Being treated as “special” whilst bullying others is not a good thing Sad

Original poster
Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 20:34

I think I can see what you all mean.
Actually when I described him as “bullying” it was always with people of a similar kind, who I am would not have been able to stand up to. I don’t think I thought of it much, apart from some instances where I felt uncomfortable (the example above).
Maybe this isn’t a friendship so but indeed transactional

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 26/05/2022 20:35

You're basically the workplace equivalent of one of those kids at school who sucks up to the school bully and stands there giggling when some other kid's getting the bog flushed on their head. Don't expect sympathy when it's your dinner money getting nicked.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 26/05/2022 20:42

Has it occured to you that if you actually empowered the rest of the office to stand up to this dick rather than cozying up to him and enabling this behaviour you might make some real friends and have a nice work environment rather than you all being domineered by what sounds like a psychopath. I think you know that you're nothing more than a comodity to him. Perhaps in truth that's how you see him too.... I'm not sure what you expected the mn brigade to say about this really lol...

Original poster
Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 20:44

I don’t know. It’s a bit like they are all of a similar kind and I feel like I got by because I had someone to watch my back because i really don’t like confrontation. But maybe because I did a lot of the work.
Maybe I am just not in the right place.
I guess I shouldn’t have stuck around.

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 26/05/2022 20:48

YABU to have been friends with someone like this, when you saw him bullying other people.
I would only speak to him as a colleague now not a friend, couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

JaninaDuszejko · 26/05/2022 21:00

These kind of people are always out for themselves and are happy to destroy others in their way. I'm surprised you haven't come across this sort before. Learn the lesson, adjust your expectations accordingly, stand up for yourself and start looking for a job somewhere with a better company culture.

Original poster
Pspspsps · 26/05/2022 21:09

Yeah I probably have to look elsewhere.
Im sorry, i really don’t know how to describe this very well. I am really bad at confrontation and being challenged (analytics) and he just made up for discomfort.
It just came as a bit of a shock but I guess I was naive

OP posts: