Work friendship hiccup. Am I being unreasonable?

[Pspspsps]

I am sorry for rambling but I am somehow confused and maybe I just need to write it down.
I have a really good friend who I met in work and we are like a dream team. Quite different personalities, but we just work so well. There is absolutely no romantic interest, and we are just friends.
He is very smart but definitely lacks in the social skills department, so that’s an area where I sometimes need to “step in” because he is out of line and just too aggressive or dismissive with people. At the same time I know that I can be a bit of a pushover and he has definitely swooped in many times to help me out when people were putting pressure on me. So far so good.

He is a really good friend and colleague, but I have now come to realise that it seems to come with conditions, if that’s the right way of calling it. We didn’t have any issues, could disagree and discuss things, but I always felt kind of “special” because he just accepted my opinion and wouldn’t pull this shit.

Until now he never ever treated me like he treats others. When he doesn’t get what he wants (and we are both working in senior positions) he gets manipulative and maybe even a bit bullying. For example, we had a senior colleague who was super obvious about a body issue, and he used it all the time to make her feel uncomfortable to throw her off her game and control the situation. Of course it made me feel bad because she wasn’t nice at all, but not was he!
Last week we had a disagreement, and things suddenly changed entirely. It was nothing but a work related issue but he turned on that nasty side: switch flipped. I actually left the room and said I wouldn’t engage further on the matter, and he later apologised and said we had probably misunderstood each other.
Its really weird now. He is acting like nothing happened, and I am doing the same , but I know something changed that day. Part of me is feeling really hurt because I didn’t think he’d stoop to that level with me, but it happened so quickly. I don’t really know what to do or how to react. Do I try to talk it through, or is there no point? I don’t understand him when I thought I did. As I said we have been so close and such good allies, and it feels like a waste to throw it away, but part of me was really hurt by the event.

Until now he never ever treated me like he treats others.
You were friends with somebody who treated others very badly. It didn't bother you.
The remarks to undermine a woman with 'body issues' being a case in point - but it didn't bother you, because "she wasn't nice"...

You know he is manipulative & a bully, but it didn't bother you.
Until:
Last week we had a disagreement, and things suddenly changed entirely. It was nothing but a work related issue but he turned on that nasty side: switch flipped.
And suddenly - NOW it bothers you.

I actually left the room and said I wouldn’t engage further on the matter, and he later apologised and said we had probably misunderstood each other.
You did well to cut him short & leave the room.
His "we misunderstood each other" is more manipulative bullshit & you know it.
It totally cancels out his apology.
Until he says - & means - that he is sorry for his nastiness, there's nothing left to salvage bar a cordial working relationship is there?

Its really weird now. He is acting like nothing happened, and I am doing the same , but I know something changed that day. Part of me is feeling really hurt because I didn’t think he’d stoop to that level with me,
That's right - you thought he was only nasty to other people.
Which - & I don't think I am labouring the point here - didn't bother you.

but it happened so quickly. I don’t really know what to do or how to react. Do I try to talk it through, or is there no point? I don’t understand him when I thought I did. As I said we have been so close and such good allies, and it feels like a waste to throw it away, but part of me was really hurt by the event.
Depends if you want to play at being best pals with a manipulator who bullies your colleagues doesn't it?

I suspect the lesson you need to take away here is:

1. don't imagine colleagues are your best pals
2. assess the value of other people's friendship on how they treat others
3. don't be surprised when they treat you exactly the same as they treat everyone else.

Also - how do you square this -
I feel like I got by because I had someone to watch my back because i really don’t like confrontation.

With THIS?
(and we are both working in senior positions)

Do you think you would benefit from dropping this workplace 'friendship', taking all the personal politics out of your working life, & getting some extra management training?

@KettrickenSmiled I don’t think I want to get involved in office politics. I’m a numbers person but not good with assertive people I think.

I felt it was low blows when he used that woman’s insecurities against her, but I honestly did not dwell much on it because she was a terrible sexist bully and people were scared of her.
I guess I should have seen it coming but I never saw him treat people badly who he gets on with. Well lesson learned

My best mate was one of these people. Treated other people in a particular way, I never thought she would do it to me. Unsurprisingly she did. I dropped her like a hot potato and my life is better for it.

Learn from this and all the great posts, some harsh.

Office politics can be brutal, but definitely can be learnt from.

My best advice is be very careful with this guy.
He sounds like a nasty, vicious prick, that could well try to be vengeful.

Be careful.

I could have written this too. Close work friendship with someone: felt we shared the same values and the same desire to change the organisation for the better. I saw how poorly he behaved to others but rationalised it as them being "blockers" or other self righteous/satisfied reason. And then one day I got it both barrels and I wasn't quite so smug anymore. In my case, I distanced myself and, when he apologised, refused to accept his apology and explained why. He left shortly thereafter - not sure why but suspect it was because he looked around one day and realised that everyone loathed him.

I've reflected on the choices I made and I'm really careful now to keep work and friendship separate. And also to call out all poor behaviour; even by people that I like and/or where it might not benefit me to challenge. Because I really didn't like realising that I was the wimp holding the bully's coat whilst he duffed people up.

I don't think you need to job hunt OP. Just re-set your relationship. Tell him you didn't appreciate what he said/did. That you'd expected better/more from him. And then call his shitty behaviour out every time it happens. Good luck. X

What did he actually do to you though?

He sounds absolutely dreadful.

Your workplace sounds utterly toxic.

i saw this on here and it’s really stayed with ne

when people show you show you who they really are - believe them the first time

Well I will be brushing up my cv, it can’t do any harm. I am dreading going back to the office on monday, we could avoid each other on friday for the most part.
He’ really let me down and while I am sad to be losing the friendship (I really thought that’s what we were) I don’t think I can trust him again.

@RedHelenB We are working on a project and we were disagreeing on something. That’s nothing new and we usually always just discussed things and valued each other’s opinions. Like I said, he is smart and knows his stuff. We agreed and during the meeting he suddenly turned and went into the complete opposite direction and totally undermined me. Not only did he make me look like an idiot but it also looked like I had no idea what was going on. It was horrible and untrue. He of course looked great because he had an alternative approach prepared and and and…
He’d never done this before and there is also no way we had misunderstood each other.

I’m somehow torn between feeling disappointed and angry, but also sorry that I had let him do things like this to others. I don’t know what he was thinking because he must know that this will have changed our relationship forever now.
I won’t be handing in my notice but I also don’t think I want to work here long term if that’s how things work.
Thanks for the responses, it is good to clear the head. I don’t know how but somehow my brain was very muddled. Now that I think about it differently there were definitely things I should have picked up on but I didn’t because my judgement was clouded.

He's played you. Think ahead and be prepared for his next move. He might act innocent, or he might start goading you to make you lose it. Have some stock phrases ready to deflect him and get the conversation back on track. Keep it professional and work related from now on.

Absolutely this.

Thank you, that’s what I am intending to do. I also won’t be telling people in work about it in case he starts badmouthing me. I have never stooped to that level and I won’t.

I am so glad some people said similar things happened to them to.