Work friendship hiccup. Am I being unreasonable?

[Pspspsps]

I am sorry for rambling but I am somehow confused and maybe I just need to write it down.
I have a really good friend who I met in work and we are like a dream team. Quite different personalities, but we just work so well. There is absolutely no romantic interest, and we are just friends.
He is very smart but definitely lacks in the social skills department, so that’s an area where I sometimes need to “step in” because he is out of line and just too aggressive or dismissive with people. At the same time I know that I can be a bit of a pushover and he has definitely swooped in many times to help me out when people were putting pressure on me. So far so good.

He is a really good friend and colleague, but I have now come to realise that it seems to come with conditions, if that’s the right way of calling it. We didn’t have any issues, could disagree and discuss things, but I always felt kind of “special” because he just accepted my opinion and wouldn’t pull this shit.

Until now he never ever treated me like he treats others. When he doesn’t get what he wants (and we are both working in senior positions) he gets manipulative and maybe even a bit bullying. For example, we had a senior colleague who was super obvious about a body issue, and he used it all the time to make her feel uncomfortable to throw her off her game and control the situation. Of course it made me feel bad because she wasn’t nice at all, but not was he!
Last week we had a disagreement, and things suddenly changed entirely. It was nothing but a work related issue but he turned on that nasty side: switch flipped. I actually left the room and said I wouldn’t engage further on the matter, and he later apologised and said we had probably misunderstood each other.
Its really weird now. He is acting like nothing happened, and I am doing the same , but I know something changed that day. Part of me is feeling really hurt because I didn’t think he’d stoop to that level with me, but it happened so quickly. I don’t really know what to do or how to react. Do I try to talk it through, or is there no point? I don’t understand him when I thought I did. As I said we have been so close and such good allies, and it feels like a waste to throw it away, but part of me was really hurt by the event.

I find it hard to believe your company doesn't already have a system for shared files. If there's an IT department, get them to set up something. Giving someone else your login isn't an alternative route to anything other than trouble.

Tbh HR facilitate and people taking cases just seem to disappear.
I’ll look for a fresh start for sure now. I don’t think he ever gave me his login details because he only ever used my work :(

Seriously? You watched him treat others like shit and now you're upset you are on the receiving end of it?

It's a cliche but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If he has no respect for others, that includes you.

Bloody hell, you've aligned yourself to a workplace bully, are fiddling the security systems to update each other's work and now you are worried about keeping him sweet so you don't get thrown under the bus by him for these dodgy practices? Have I got that right?

What were you thinking? To be in a senior role I imagine you must generally have some sense, but you seem to have misplaced it in this situation. I would back right off from him and start looking for another job. And never make this mistake again.

They do but I bypassed them because they had been restrictive for a lot of bad reasons. The company would have been blind and lost a lot of money.

I'm not having a go, but you have two serious issues to deal with; your personal conduct in the workplace, and your misuse of their IT.
Its irrelevant if you think the IT restrictions are in place for bad reasons, don't try to evade them. Talk to IT and your manager, explain what you need to be able to do, and get a workable system in place.

As for him using your work, check he hasn't changed the author of the document, to make it look like he produced all of the work.

You've been an idiot OP. Heed the advice on this thread and make some serious changes pronto. I'd inform IT you think your security has been compromised, etc. and get yourself covered that way OR start looking for another job before you're sacked.

It's funny, I was just talking yesterday with my DM about a girl from when I was a child who was always friends with the bullies so she didn't get bullied herself.

Jeeze. He really has used you. And you're entirely beholden to him still. He's made sure if that. What a total creep.

I don't know enough about IT to advise you, but it sounds like you're going to need to fess up or come up with a reason for IT people to reset your computer. .

Well you've really and truly fucked up. I would
come clean and hope they take pity on you and not fire you for misconduct.

Also, as everyone else has said, the fact you were happy being "special" whilst he made others lives hell, doesn't make you come off at all well.

I hope this is a lesson well learned.

The observation by a previous poster who said it sounded transactional is spot on. You’ve mistakenly thought that you could moderate his worse characteristics in exchange for his support of you in areas you felt weak. This has not worked out well. But, leaving him aside - and I suggest you disengage completely - are there lessons and strengths you can find now? Let the workplace deal with his boorish behaviour through their processes. Figure out how you can exit this toxic setup, and don’t let yourself be devalued by Association.

Yes I guess I was foolish. I have moved a lot of my work onto the shared drives now.
I don’t make friends easily and trusted him but I am regretting it now.
Thanks all, I’ll try to distance myself but I don’t want to rock the boat either.

He is a typical Machiavellian character, who uses and abuses others to get his own way. There are a lot of them about and you are fortunate he's a work colleague and not a partner or friend.

I can totally understand why you might have thought teaming up with him was beneficial to you if you are not an assertive person but as you have found out they bite! Perhaps some work on your assertiveness and confidence would negate the need or attraction in future.

FWIW, I get it. I used to work with a few people who didn't get on with others. I dismissed this as personality clashes. Or, in some cases, that it was deserved.

I thought I was 'special' too, because I managed to work well with them, and share jokes etc. I'd somehow manage to 'tame' them with my specialness.

It felt horrific to be turned on. In hindsight, the warning signs were there all along, but I ignored them, because I thought somehow I could 'fix' these people.

I was always aware that I did this to romantic partners (I've always had a tendency to try to 'fix' a man) but it was a revelation that I do this to everyone. And not everyone is fixable.

I got a new job. @Pspspsps , I suggest you start job hunting. It won't get any better in the same workplace, but at least you've learnt a valuable less. If everyone hates a particular colleague, there's probably a good reason why, and you're unlikely to be able to magically change that.

I think you like the fact that this 'nasty ' man seems to make an exception and invite you into his world when others wouldn't dare to tread .

It's not a healthy relationship imo .

Right so you’re happy to watch him manipulate and bully others, but when he turns on you that’s the issue. You’re no victim OP, if anything you’ve been complicit in him upsetting others.

😬😬😬

I feel you have received some useful advice here also some undeserved criticism from posters who don’t understand the abilities of a Machiavellian mind to draw someone in and use them.
Tread carefully around him now.
If I were you I would look for another position, and be more wary in future who you trust.

This! Jesus fucking Christ

Thank you. I will look for other positions because I am not feeling confident in this one now.
Yes there has been some very good advice and I also get the criticism.

Turning a blind eye to his bullying behaviour makes you as bad as him as far as I'm concerned, give your head a wobble!

I am no friend of bullying, and it’s not like he runs around all day trying to make people miserable. I just saw him act in this way when he didn’t get his way. To be honest I didn’t think much of it because it’s so common in the company-lots of them act that way and do it to each other. It’s true that I didn’t get involved apart from one case where I though he was being really mean and because that person never engaged in this toxic behaviour themselves.
He isn’t unpopular as such so I want to stay out of his way now.

I'd get another job and learn from what happened here. "Staying out of his way" seems to me to be a high risk strategy, I don't think your colleague will view this as a neutral play and you'll probably be on the other end of further attacks from him from now on, don't underestimate the potential impact of this.

If you want to swim with sharks, best be the biggest, most manipulative or fastest shark in the tank.

Well I meant I want to remove myself a bit. It’s not so easy because we used to be so close but I feel very uneasy now since I had started the thread.
Im sure he pick up on it (he is perceptive that way), but I don’t think I can do anything about it.
Job hunting at the weekend, but unfortunately I have a 3 month notice period.

The expression "when you lay down with dogs, don't be surprised if you catch fleas", comes to mind.

Cornered animals are vicious.

Go lightly as you try and cover your arse while trying to extract yourself from this job.

Assertiveness training is a must.