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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be selfish for the next 2 weeks?

62 replies

alittlecroquetta · 25/05/2022 20:47

I have a big exam coming up in 2 weeks time. It's big to me because it would be brilliant for my career and its been a long time coming. Various unexpected life events have meant I've had to put my studies on hold and the exams got cancelled completely during Covid. It was also quite expensive so I want the qualification to justify the cost!!

When the exams came back on again, I booked a date straight away and have been studying during quiet times at work (I manage my own workload) and times when DP has been out the house working or whatever.

Now that the exam date is almost here I want to spend the next 2 weeks just revising as much as I can and not have anything else taking up my attention. DP is miffed because he wants to put a grievance in against someone at work so I've been listening to him going on and on talking it through for several weeks and he's asked me now to put it in writing for him. (He's dyslexic so I do most of those types of things for him).

I've asked him to either wait another 2 weeks or ask his union rep to do it for him. I know once I start, he'll want to go through it again and again with me. Not his fault, just the way he is.

I've also booked a holiday for us for after my exam so I can get a break and relax. He's annoyed because I won't talk through the holiday with him. What we'll do, where we'll visit, what we'll take, what time we'll leave (I'll be doing the driving so not like he needs to think about that). I've told him I'll be happy to plan everything with him once my exam is out the way.

So, AIBU to be selfish and only concentrate on myself for the next fortnight? It's BILs birthday this weekend so I've agreed to go to that and even offered to cook so it's not like I'm shunning everything even if it's important. I just don't want anything unnecessary in my head space for the time being.

OP posts:

Riverlee · 25/05/2022 21:01

That’s totally acceptable to put yourself first.

Sirzy · 25/05/2022 21:03

Focus on your exam.

if he wants to plan for the holiday he can sort things and let you know what he has sorted nearer the time

TastelessMiserySand · 25/05/2022 21:31

Totally protect the time you need and prioritise yourself after all this effort you've out in. It's 2 weeks - which will make all the difference to you, but not a long time for all the other stuff to wait.
Good luck with the exam! You'll nail it 😎

Aprilx · 25/05/2022 21:59

I think you are being a bit over the top myself. Why would you need to revise 24/7? It isn’t even a healthy way to revise.

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 22:22

YANBU at all. He is being selfish. I hope he’s not trying to sabotage you?

And why are you cooking for BIL’s birthday?!

RaininSummer · 25/05/2022 22:27

I get that you want to revise but can't you carve out a few hours over 2 weeks to chat and do this stuff?

MadMadMadamMim · 25/05/2022 22:36

You do what you need to do to prioritise your exam. Ignore people suggesting it's 'selfish' or 'you can give a bit of time'.

Maybe they can. Maybe you can't. You know yourself what you need to do, and if that is 100% focus for two weeks then those around you need to suck it up.

timeisnotaline · 25/05/2022 22:38

Totally ok. Tell your dp you need some support and expect to get it.

Crinkle77 · 25/05/2022 23:00

Aprilx · 25/05/2022 21:59

I think you are being a bit over the top myself. Why would you need to revise 24/7? It isn’t even a healthy way to revise.

Yes I agree. Surely you can help your husband for an hour or so to write down he wants to say.

ChiselandBits · 25/05/2022 23:05

But it won't be an hour or so will it? A grievance against a colleague is something that needs careful wording, redrafting. I can take an evening over an email to my ex because he'll pick up on any minute 'tone' he perceives. And that's it, bam, evening gone. The DH here can't write his own complaint, can't drive, can't apparently plan anything solo. This is a big important thing for the op. God forbid a MAN should have to come 2nd for a couple of weeks.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/05/2022 23:10

Aprilx · 25/05/2022 21:59

I think you are being a bit over the top myself. Why would you need to revise 24/7? It isn’t even a healthy way to revise.

@Aprilx

yeah but she’s not revising 24/7 is she? She works.

She said that she studies during quiet times at work or when her partner is out. This could be very little time in the day and her partner wants to eat into that? Nah. He can suck it up for a couple of weeks and be a bit more self sufficient

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:04

Crinkle77 · 25/05/2022 23:00

Yes I agree. Surely you can help your husband for an hour or so to write down he wants to say.

Show quote history

If it was going to only take an hour, I would gladly do it. DP will tell me what to write then I'll have to read it back to him, he'll tell me it's wrong and we'll go through it again. Read it back, no that's not right either. Try again... believe me when I say that even if I started it for him today it would be at least 2 weeks before he deems it good enough to run with that's why I didn't see a huge problem asking him to wait.

I won't be studying 24/7 either. Of course I'll still spend time with him. I just don't want to get sucked into any drama or fill my brain with anyone else's problems. I just need to focus.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/05/2022 05:11

Your DP sounds very needy ... it's one thing having a quick chat with someone but to expect you to spend hours over his grievance (surely better to get 'professional' support from his Union) and talking over a holiday in great detail sounds somewhat demanding and suffocating... is he always like that? Sounds like he wants all your attention on him?

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:13

Crinkle77 · 25/05/2022 23:00

Yes I agree. Surely you can help your husband for an hour or so to write down he wants to say.

Show quote history

And when I say "he will tell me what to write" I don't mean verbatim. He'll tell me the story again and again and I have to try and formalise it. That's why it takes so many attempts.

OP posts:

Burnamer · 26/05/2022 05:15

I get it OP, I have an exam too soon. You’re right not to fill your head with other unnecessary things. I find there’s only so much “room” for active things that I can focus on. At the moment, if it’s not exam-related or work it’s not making the cut.
is your DH supportive of the exam in general?

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:18

Ragwort · 26/05/2022 05:11

The holiday talk is unusual. Normally he won't even have a clue where we're going until about 2 days before. Let alone want to discuss what food we'll be taking (it's self catering) 4 weeks in advance.

But everything else, work, family, lifestyle, yes once he gets something on his mind he will want to discuss it in great detail. It's just the way he's always been.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/05/2022 05:21

You must have the patience of a saint, that would drive me mad ... how old is he and how long have you been together?

JennyForeigner · 26/05/2022 05:22

A grievance shouldn't be against a colleague, it should be a process matter, organizational or similar. If it is something like that and not something better under a bullying policy, the union rep can help.

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:24

Burnamer · 26/05/2022 05:15

Yes! Exactly this! Thank you. You described it much better than me. I feel if there's too much going on in my head, it's pushing important stuff out. So I don't want to make room for anything else.

Is he supportive? Difficult to say. He knows how much it means to me.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2022 05:24

He sounds exhausting to be around but he should understand you need to put your studies first for a couple of weeks

Is he always this inflexible?

D0lphine · 26/05/2022 05:28

Omg it's like your partner is a needy child. HE is the one who should be supporting YOU at this time.

People who say "you should have time for him too" have clearly never done post grad exams.

Christ, when I did my post grad exams, my bf never saw me- I spent all my time in the spare room and only emerged for red bull and pro plus.

Tell him very clearly that until the exam is out of the way you cannot help him. You also cannot do his washing and make his tea and wipe his arse.

I'd just shut down any going on about this grievance.

Trust me when I tell you if the situation were reversed he would not give a shit about telling you that your thing could wait.

Put yourself first.

Glittertwins · 26/05/2022 05:37

I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If DP is old enough to work, he's old enough to sort things out for himself. I get that he could do with some support but this sounds rather over balanced and you are almost in a parent role.

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:40

Ragwort · 26/05/2022 05:21

You must have the patience of a saint, that would drive me mad ... how old is he and how long have you been together?

He's in his 40s and we've been together a long time. Almost 15 years.

OP posts:

MagicTurtle · 26/05/2022 05:42

Your DP sounds selfish. Put yourself first for once OP!

Original poster

alittlecroquetta · 26/05/2022 05:45

I guess he is a bit needy, yes...
I couldn't work from home during the pandemic because he would constantly be in my makeshift home office wanting to speak to me. I went back to the office after 2 and a half weeks!

OP posts:

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