AIBU to be selfish for the next 2 weeks?

[alittlecroquetta]

I have a big exam coming up in 2 weeks time. It's big to me because it would be brilliant for my career and its been a long time coming. Various unexpected life events have meant I've had to put my studies on hold and the exams got cancelled completely during Covid. It was also quite expensive so I want the qualification to justify the cost!!

When the exams came back on again, I booked a date straight away and have been studying during quiet times at work (I manage my own workload) and times when DP has been out the house working or whatever.

Now that the exam date is almost here I want to spend the next 2 weeks just revising as much as I can and not have anything else taking up my attention. DP is miffed because he wants to put a grievance in against someone at work so I've been listening to him going on and on talking it through for several weeks and he's asked me now to put it in writing for him. (He's dyslexic so I do most of those types of things for him).

I've asked him to either wait another 2 weeks or ask his union rep to do it for him. I know once I start, he'll want to go through it again and again with me. Not his fault, just the way he is.

I've also booked a holiday for us for after my exam so I can get a break and relax. He's annoyed because I won't talk through the holiday with him. What we'll do, where we'll visit, what we'll take, what time we'll leave (I'll be doing the driving so not like he needs to think about that). I've told him I'll be happy to plan everything with him once my exam is out the way.

So, AIBU to be selfish and only concentrate on myself for the next fortnight? It's BILs birthday this weekend so I've agreed to go to that and even offered to cook so it's not like I'm shunning everything even if it's important. I just don't want anything unnecessary in my head space for the time being.

Study hard and good luck with your exam/

after that’s done think about boundaries and adulthood and whether your DP can do more to help himself and respect and support you.

Your OH sounds like mine, will complain and complain about work and then suddenly decide the minute you are busy he wants to take action and take action NOW!!! its tough as he does sound needy, my OH books holidays off work when i have carved a couple of days for myself. Good luck with your exams x

Professional exams?

You’re very unfortunate not to have full, sincere support while you’re preparing for them. The posters saying you don’t need 24 hrs a day to revise have perhaps not had to deal with this type of exam. Of course it isn’t ‘selfish’ to want and need to focus on them.

In your position I’d consider moving into a hotel/ Air BnB for the next two weeks. Pop home whenever you want but retain the freedom to get back to peace and quiet at any point, without having to plead for it.

Best of luck!

YANBU... I can only assume that you are taking such a firm stance because you know your DP will see anything less as negotiable, or not really applicable to him, because his needs are paramount.

Interesting isn't it that as a woman you think you are being 'selfish' when you want to focus, fir just 2 weeks, on something that's important to you whereas in my experience this is just a normal way of life for the majority of men. They and whatever they are doing comes first 99% if the time. They are often 'helping' when something doesn't directly benefit them. Change your mindset OP, tell your DP he is being selfish.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm glad to see that I'm not being selfish by concentrating on my own needs.

As for why I'm cooking for BIL, I offered to cook because MIL is working on Saturday so she'll be tired and won't have much time to cook so I offered to make something so she wouldn't have to worry about it. What I didn't realise is I was going to get instructions requests from BIL and SIL what to cook and how they wanted it cooked but that's a thread for another day.

Also, no I don't think he's trying to sabotage it in any way. I think he just doesn't understand why I need to limit my headspace.

@alittlecroquetta
tell BIL &SIL to fuck off cook it themselves, their responsibility not MIL's (you're very nice to offer to help her out, but WHY can't BIL & SIL cook?? Or order in??

OP, why are your husband/partner and your extended family not falling over themselves to support you in preparation for your exam?

Have you ever asked yourself that?

I asked his age because I assumed he was just in his 20s perhaps and learning how to be an 'adult' ... but if he's in his 40s he's clearly never going to change, he sounds very immature and, to put it kindly, lacking in confidence. You've got potentially another 40+ years of living with this man child ... is that what you want for the rest of your life? He must love living with you .. being the bigger earner, organising his holidays, cooking for his family etc etc.

@Sushi7 maybe OPs exams are more challenging than yours. One hour a hour wouldn’t be sufficient for mine. Then again maybe you’re just much more intelligent than both OP and I 🙄
Either way, do the OP the courtesy of believing her when she says how much she needs to study. She probably has much more idea of that than we do.

Hey op, sounds like you need to be a lot more selfish in your own life !

maybe your h is threatened by you passing your exams so is subconsciously trying to mess up the revision time.

if he suddenly gets ill or manufactures a massive row when you try to put some boundaries in then maybe time for you to have a think about how much he adds to your life?