AIBU to be selfish for the next 2 weeks?

[alittlecroquetta]

I have a big exam coming up in 2 weeks time. It's big to me because it would be brilliant for my career and its been a long time coming. Various unexpected life events have meant I've had to put my studies on hold and the exams got cancelled completely during Covid. It was also quite expensive so I want the qualification to justify the cost!!

When the exams came back on again, I booked a date straight away and have been studying during quiet times at work (I manage my own workload) and times when DP has been out the house working or whatever.

Now that the exam date is almost here I want to spend the next 2 weeks just revising as much as I can and not have anything else taking up my attention. DP is miffed because he wants to put a grievance in against someone at work so I've been listening to him going on and on talking it through for several weeks and he's asked me now to put it in writing for him. (He's dyslexic so I do most of those types of things for him).

I've asked him to either wait another 2 weeks or ask his union rep to do it for him. I know once I start, he'll want to go through it again and again with me. Not his fault, just the way he is.

I've also booked a holiday for us for after my exam so I can get a break and relax. He's annoyed because I won't talk through the holiday with him. What we'll do, where we'll visit, what we'll take, what time we'll leave (I'll be doing the driving so not like he needs to think about that). I've told him I'll be happy to plan everything with him once my exam is out the way.

So, AIBU to be selfish and only concentrate on myself for the next fortnight? It's BILs birthday this weekend so I've agreed to go to that and even offered to cook so it's not like I'm shunning everything even if it's important. I just don't want anything unnecessary in my head space for the time being.

I think your being completely reasonable. Is your partner autistic?

Are you happy with this??

No respect for your work or your time or your boundaries.

I wasn't happy about it, no. And told him as much.

I think there may be an element of...not jealousy, but resentment maybe? I have a good job, good salary (bigger earner), good hours, get on brilliantly with my colleagues. He doesn't like his job at all.

I don't think he was deliberately disrespecting my time when I was trying to WFH. He just doesn't see work as a priority in life.

I see it sometimes when i need to answer work calls at home or if I tell him I'm running late because I just need to finish x or y. He'll tell me to "leave it. After finishing time it's not your problem. Let someone else deal with it" but my job doesn't really work like that.

He just doesn't see work as a priority in life.

But I bet he enjoys the bigger house / more holidays / nicer car doesn't he?

He has the luxury of not prioritising work because you earn well.

You've now given us 2 examples of him not respecting your work. Is this a theme in your relationship?

The difference is I enjoy my job so I'm happy to take on the extra responsibility, work longer hours and earn more. He doesn't enjoy his so I wouldn't expect him to up his hours, do overtime etc when he doesn't have to.

YANBU.

Definitely prioritise you and your exams and best wishes for those.

Not sure why you're cooking for BILs birthday either. Can't DP do that for his own brother?

Maybe tell him that for the next two weeks, while you're studying, he can spend time writing notes about his work thing so it's all ready to turn into a coherent outline of the situation after your exam and holiday?

He can also occupy himself planning the food and shopping list for the holiday, so you don't have to think about that so much - maybe give him a quick outline of what you're hoping for and he can go from there?

I definitely wouldn't put up with the endless ruminating about all this though. How tiresome.

You sound incredibly patient OP. Your DP would drive me up the wall!

@alittlecroquetta this is a bit random but these days there are a lot of assisted technologies to help people with dyslexia etc. Given the lifetime impact could your husband not invest in software that enables him to dictate his grievance, and read it back to him and allow him to amend it?

YANBU to focus on your exams.

I agree. In the past, I had multiple exams and essays and other assignments due in the same week (this includes post grad). I still didn’t study 24/7 (still got top grades). OP only has one exam. Just revise 1hr a day so you don’t burn out.

Don't be daft, she's still working, sleeping, eating. She just wants to use HER 'free time' to focus on HER revision for two weeks. Perfectly understandable.

@alittlecroquetta Does DP accept his diagnosis & does he understand how than impacts you?

without knowing him it's hard to advise, but in a similar situation I explained what I needed to do and how I could/couldn't help him right now. Effectively I wrote the Grievance Document and wrote him a reminder. That I'd written the Document but coukd NIT discuss it further & if he needed to discuss it, he had to discuss it with someone else. I wrote down my plans & thoughts re the holiday & said we could discuss anything he wanted to AFTER my exam, still plenty of time & he could research/talk to friends about it until then.
in my case they were different events, but same thing. Every time he started, I just referred to my note.

lots of hugs & reassurance as well.

Do what you need to do, even if that means booking a few nights stay at family/friends/hotel.

best of luck with the exam & for good results x

It sounds as if you walk a bit on eggshells around him, not studying while he's in the house etc.

He doesn't sound supportive. Almost like he doesn't care if you pass or fail.

He doesn’t see work as a priority - yet he wants to talk to you about it all the time and make you do his job for him?

he sounds incredibly needy. YANBU to prioritise yourself.
Is he trying to sabotage your exam?

The grievance thing sounds like a real time drain - exams or no exams. Ask him to consult his union rep, say they will be more experienced at wording these things.

On the holiday can you get a travel guide and ask him to research things to do, then message them to you ? Get him involved without you having to do everything.

Focus on yourself.

Is your h trying to sabotage you? He sounds very needy. I hope the support goes both ways.

And why are you cooking for BIL's birthday?!

And good luck with your revision and exam!

Tell him if he writes if you will proofread it for him.

Surely that will only take an hour or so.

You should concentrate on your study and exam. Tell him you can't help it, it's just the way you are.

To be honest from what you've written so far, it sounds like you're the giver and he's the taker in your relationship. You do everything and he expects it done for him. You focusing on something that doesn't centre him could therefore be a huge adjustment for you both. But don't let that stop you.

A bit! This is completely unacceptable. Even if he doesnt prioritise his own work, he should be able to understand that you're working and leave you alone. He sounds like a toddler. Do you have dc?

And you sound organised and as if you make all the decisions and help to run your h's life. What does he bring?

He sounds completely useless. Dunno how op puts up with him.

Take the two weeks for you op. Hopefully your toddler husband won't manage to kill himself in the time you aren't prepping his life for him. Remind him to not chew cables.

Aw bless his heart, for the next two weeks he's not going to be the centre of your universe / taking up whatever head space and free time you have after working long hours.

My hope for you is that you have somewhere quiet to escape to, to study in peace, as I can't imagine he'll let you alone for a second if you're in the same building. When I was studying a few years back it was constant interruptions, even when specifically asked not to, royal pain in the backside.

Good luck with your studying and your exam.

The fact you’re even thinking you could be selfish to prioritise study for a short time suggests that you’ve lost perspective on what a healthy, reciprocal relationship is.

this isn’t it!

I think it's really important to be with someone who actually likes his job. It's really draining otherwise. If he pays union fees then the union person should be helping him with that work. Personally I would find it really frustrating living with him. I wouldn't be able to concentrate and I would feel that my life was my own priority.

Definitely prioritise your studies. If you have a home office, put a sign on the door for when you are studying and tell DH he is not to interrupt. If he does, refuse to answer.

He needs to learn to give you space to study.

YANBU.

Send him to his union rep, they will likely have experience of this type of support.

Good luck for your exam, OP.