To disown my sister for being a narcissist and a terrible mother

[ritsbiscuits]

I don’t care if this identifies me, I’m so beyond sick of her. She is 2 years younger than me and has always been hard work. She put my parents through absolute hell as a teenager (drugs, a termination, casual sex with older lads) and her behaviour triggered depression for my mum, which she never really recovered from. I think my sister has a narcissistic personality disorder.

She got married at 21 to a lad who came from money. They’d been together 2 years and they’d met at uni. My parents were quite happy as they thought she’d settle down. They gave her £15,000 (which was more than half of their savings) toward a house deposit to buy with her husband. I resented not getting any money at the time but I was travelling around the world at the time and was partying in Australia living in a flatshare with friends, so I just assumed they’d give me a bit if I ever came to buy (never got round to it though). Her husband also got a huge lump sum from his parents and they bought a gorgeous property. It really was lovely. Semi detached, huge and in a lovely leafy area.

Despite having a degree she’s never had a proper job. She was married as soon as she finished uni and then was living with her husband and was soon pregnant. She had baby girl and then another baby girl just over a year later in quick succession. She was living the dream and even had an au pair, cleaner etc. Lovely car. Her husband had a well paying job. When her children were both in primary school (private, and her in-laws paid half of the school fees for them) she opened up a baking business and let a shop. It went under after a few months and she had the audacity to beg my parents for a bail out because she didn’t want to take a loan. They gave her £8000. I’d still not seen any money from them. They were scared she’d go off the rails because of her erratic personality.

Her business managed a bit longer after that but after a few months she had to close it. For years after that she just did nothing. She is high maintenance and always had her hair/nails/face done. Whenever we saw them she was vile to her husband and always shouting at him.

4 years ago her and her husband ended up divorcing, he left her and she was distraught. Their kids were 9 and 11 at the time. She took them off to Florida for 3 weeks, me, mum, dad and her ex-husband thought it was genuinely just a holiday. Then while she was there she posted tons of pictures of her and the kids with some random man. We found out she’d met him online just after the divorce and had gone over to meet him. Her ex husband was incensed that she’d taken the children to meet him.

She came back from this trip pregnant, (‘accidentally’) which surprised none of us. Pre-divorce she’d been talking about wanting to move to America and her ex-husband didn’t want to, which is partly why he left her. We all believe it was intentional. Cue her then declaring she was moving over there. Her ex husband took steps to prevent her taking their children (who didn’t want to go). She had the baby in the UK. She had the nerve to ask my parents to contribute some money for her to give birth in a private hospital in London (where she’d had her older 2, on her ex husband’s/in-laws money), and I made sure they said no because it was fucking ridiculous. My mum was consdering it though. The poor thing had to settle for giving birth in an NHS hospital and we never heard the end of it. She withheld the baby from my mum who was desperate to meet her for ages and said it was because she was annoyed over them not paying for her to give birth at the private hospital and she felt ‘let down’.

She went back to the US for a few weeks not long after the birth with the baby and married the father (this was only their 3rd time ever meeting).

After more drama over her 2 older kids not wanting to go and her ex not letting her take them, she has now decided she’s going to leave them and move to America permanently with her youngest daughter. She’d have gone earlier if not for Covid. She’s leaving my older 2 nieces with their dad. Both of her older girls have been completely messed up by her behaviour. One of the girls hates her and can’t wait to see the back of her whereas the other one is absolutely distraught and has been begging her not to go (to no avail).
The younger one also begged to go with her (she didn’t initially want to go, she was just distraught at the idea of not having her mum) and her response was “I can’t take you because of your dad.” These poor girls are really suffering. They also both hate her husband and are resentful of their youngest sister. I have become quite close to them in recent months. Though my sister hasn’t actually gone yet they’ve already moved in with their dad and she barely sees them. Her excuse is “they both hate me”. I wonder why? But I opened up a line of communication with her ex husband and said if he ever needed support with them then let me know, and I’ve been spending time with them. I wouldn’t say as a ‘mother’ figure but as a female figure for personal things maybe they don’t want to talk to their dad about.

My mum wants to throw her a leaving do, and I’ve said I’m not going. She was upset after hearing sister’s ex husband wouldn’t be bringing the kids to the leaving do and when I said I was on his side she had a huge go at me and has accused me of being jealous. My mum is now not speaking to me. I can’t even feel angry at my mum, I think my sister has just completed broken her spirit.

My AIBU is am I in the wrong to be completely disowning her, I’d go as far as to say I hate her. I’m worried sick for her youngest daughter as well. Her new husband isn’t a particularly upstanding citizen. I don’t really have a reason to post but I just need to vent. I have a husband and young children of my own but he is sick of listening to me vent about her.

She’s going on about using the money from her half of the UK house which they are going to sell (really though I don’t see why she should get half when he contributed to most of the deposit and ALL of the morthage payments, but he doesn’t want to fight her so is allowing it) to buy a property in Florida. This is going to be about £250,000 from what I’ve been researched of her house value. I don’t think this will get her far at all, she’ll have to buy outright as she has no intention of working and the husband earns bugger all. It’s not going to get her a home anwyehere near as nice as her UK house.

She’ll be able to afford SOMETHING in Florida probably a 2 bed bungalow or something but nothing that lives up to her imagined ideal of the ‘American Dream’. She’s so shallow in every sense.

I think there needs to be a discussion with the children - with a therapist or someone similar - to explain that their mother is I'll with an illness that makes her brain unable to properly think about other people

I think the first priority here - bless you for your grace and kindness - is your nieces.

Give them space to talk. Bring up their mother's behaviour if necessary and reflect back to them about how hard it must be, how hurtful. Especially to the younger one because she's in danger of turning into a clone of her mother. Very gently encourage them to talk and to let them feel heard. That's really important because your mother is so so important in your life and you need to feel she cares and when she doesn't, the only things that help are 1) having a substitute adult female 'mum' and 2) space to talk and express the hurt.

I think actually you may need to talk to a therapist to find out how best to help them.

the second priority here is you. Your mother's slow seduction into caring more for her than for you is desperately hurtful. You need to give yourself time about this.

I actually think the only way to rekindle your place with your mother is to out-sister your sister in erratic, demanding behaviour, but no decent person would do that.

I'm sorry for the heartbreak you live with, and that of your nieces.

She sounds absolutely horrendous and your mums just enables her.

If my children treated my dgc like that I'd never speak to them again let alone throw a leaving party 😏

I think mum is heartbroken that she’s going and is worried about it going tits up and sister and the 3 year old being alone out there. Mum said “If we show her how much we love her she’ll be more likely to come back.” That’s the point of the leaving party.

Obviously as a mother she sees my sister differently but I have no sad feelings about her going, my sympathy only lies with the 3 children involved. My sister in incapable of sympathy and care towards her OWN children. The 3 year old is currently the favourite because she ‘fits’ in with the American life my sister wants, but once this inevitably goes tips up she’ll lose interest in her as well.

I could only ever begin to warm to my sister if she accepted that she’s got issues and decided to seek help, but that will never happen.

She is a classic narcissist.

Go non contact or whatever but that doesn’t alter the fact that you come across as incredibly jealous, spiteful and judgmental.

Let’s start with the way you describe your sister’s teenage years. Her behaviour was less than perfect but hardly off the scale and it is not her fault that your mother became depressed.

Then you complain bitterly that she married after leaving uni (so?) and that she was supported financially by her husband, hardly your business. You describe her as “doing nothing” during her children’s early years. Clearly you are not a mother. That claim will come back to haunt you 😂

And on you go, assassinating her character mainly on the basis that your parents have provided financial support. You need to have that beef with them, not her.

Then she and her husband divorce, ok, hardly unusual, and again you are extremely spiteful single-handedly blaming her for the break up. The fact that more than half of marriages break down seems to be lost on you.

And then you are furious that she has found a new partner. It happens. People move on.

You claim to be driven by feelings of concern for your nieces but a kind aunt does not speak I’ll of their mum either to them or anyone else. She can’t take the girls, you have established that, and it appears they have a good dad to care for them. If they don’t want to see her then there really isn’t anything she can do. What do you imagine she can do?

And the fact that you are prepared to be supportive of her ex but we’re never supportive of her speaks volumes of your deep seated misogyny.

You are one very bitter woman.

Also, another person having a personality disorder, especially one diagnosed by an armchair psychologist, is not a reason to disown them. That is extremely ignorant and hateful.

Maybe she does have mental health problems, she would be in very good company.

Certainly you come across as being very jealous to the point of irrational and spiteful.

If I was your sister I would want to leave the country too.

Instead of projecting all your anger onto your sister, take a look at yourself and work on controlling what you can (your thoughts, behaviour) and let go of what you cannot control (your sister, your parents, the world).

You will be a much happier person for it.

@BoDerek.

I’ve got kids. The rest of your post isn’t even worthy of an answer.

i’m not the only person she has pushed away. All her friends cut contact, and extended family members. You haven’t got a clue.

Hi, OP's sister!

@BoDerek

She has rejected any attempts from her ex to keep her updates on her kids. When she was told about the older one’s behavioural issues she got frustrated and said she didn’t give a shit. This is what she is like.

clearly you are lucky enough to not have a narcissist in your family. People as selfish as my sister are rare, so I don’t expect you to understand. But you are making ridiculous assumptions about me. I added the details about her marriage and teenage years for context. She didn’t suddenly just turn 20 and this behaviour began.

I don’t have a clue? I read your OP. That is what I am basing my response on.

Do you deny being jealous? Bitter? Judgemental?

Honestly, anyone who blames another person for their misery is emotionally immature. Your misery will always be with you so long as you are focused on controlling your sister.

Your poor kids.

@BoDerek

Controlling her? I’ve never stopped her doing anything. All I’ve ever done is support her kids, and I’ve never spoken ill of her in front of them. What I have done is comforted them through panic attacks, listened to them and comforted whilst they have cried about their trauma inflicted by their mum.

Bloody bizarre take on it all that is

Are your neices seeing anyone professionally to help them with all this upheaval in their life?

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall.

I genuinely wondered if it was my sister, though logically I don’t think it can be as she’d come to me directly if she saw this post. It’s just a weird inflammatory poster trying to rile me.

And the fact that you are prepared to be supportive of her ex but we’re never supportive of her speaks volumes of your deep seated misogyny.
😂😂😂

Clearly you are not a mother.
Clearly you are incapable of reading simple text.

If I was your sister I would want to leave the country too.
Maybe OP's mum will adopt you, so you can piss off too?
She'll probably give you some handy cash sums if you kick up enough fuss.

You are one very bitter woman.
& you are one very peculiar dude, @BoDerek

Do you deny being jealous? Bitter? Judgemental?

OP is looking after her nieces & supporting her BiL alongside her own DC.
Hardly the actions of a jealous, bitter person, @BoDerek

Judgemental?
Have a read of your own stonkingly judgey post & have a word with yourself.
& maybe get some professional help for your rabid, senseless anger?

Strange how this point completely misses out the treatment of the sisters children! I'm assuming the poster has done something very similar to their children or is actually the sister!

Honestly, anyone who blames another person for their misery is emotionally immature. Your misery will always be with you so long as you are focused on controlling your sister.
Where has OP said she is miserable?
& what makes you think she is 'controlling' her sister?

Your poor kids.
You mean - "your poor nieces" - who otherwise, don't appear to feature as worthy of consideration in your post.

Also, another person having a personality disorder, especially one diagnosed by an armchair psychologist, is not a reason to disown them. That is extremely ignorant and hateful.
Are you struggling with narcissism, @BoDerek ?
Is this why you are being so ... strange?

I don’t have a clue? I read your OP. That is what I am basing my response on.
The response that bears almost no relation to the content of OP's posts, to the point of not understanding that she is a mother, & a part-time carer to her nieces?
THAT response?

WTF is wrong with you @BoDerek ? Seriously - are you having a hard time? Would you feel better if you went & got comfort from a friend now, rather than unjustifiably laying in to a perfectly reasonable & kindhearted OP?

The only time I’ve stepped in to prevent my sister from doing something was when I intervened to convince my mum not to give her £7000 so she could have her baby at a private London hospital. So my actions indirectly prevented her from doing so. It wasn’t because I particularly cared what my sister was doing but it pained me to see my parents hard earned money go on something so unnecessary. It was ridiculous and basically the last of my parent’s savings at that point. Mum had been manipulated into deciding to give her the money. Her and the baby were perfectly healthy. It was a pisstake.

She had to make sure mum suffered for that though, she withheld the baby from mum for ages and didn’t send photos, she also ignored mum’s attempts to ask how they both were. Because she felt so hard done by.

I get you entirely. I dont think you're wrong to disown her now. Your nieces should come first.

Op I’d ignore that bizarre dissection of your post above from the other poster (who does sound like it could have been your sister) what is it with MN tonight!?

anyway, I posted because in this situation (though very different) I am the child. My mother left the family for a “sweeter” life as a 7 yo, was horrible and life long traumatic on me, it was love from others around me that left me surprisingly well Balanced as an adult! So I completely commend you for your love and support to your nieces.

I wouldn’t try and convince your mother to understand- it’s coming from a parental blind love pov, my grandmother was the same - she had to get to the reality in her own time. Re the party and your mum saying she’ll be more likely to come back if she knows she’s loved- I’d reassure mother that it’s when she has to come back rather than if.

these sort of circumstances tend to work themselves out, you need not push sister away or make amends, she’ll do all that herself. Just stay close to the nieces (but not at the detriment of you own family) that’s all you can do imo

Your mum has clearly lost every shred of common sense she ever had. Or maybe that was never her strong point.

She should be falling over herself trying to support her granddaughters but instead she's planning a going away party for the woman who is abandoning them?

You are a good sister, a good daughter, and a good aunt. Keep the links to your nieces strong, and be there for them. What their mother is doing to them is awful. What their grandmother is doing is the last word in disregard and emotional deafness.

The money from the house will get her a little house in Florida, maybe with a small pool in the small backyard, second hand car, etc She will have a sort of celebrity status for a while as the newly arrived Brit. Then the shine will fade.

You mention a long line of discarded and alienated friends, her entitled behaviour, and her unstable relationship pattern. This will continue in Florida, and you are right to worry about the youngest child.

She certainly sounds like someone with what used to be called Cluster B personality traits.

I know two women who behaved like this as mothers. One took her H and two DSs to Australia, them dumped her H and immediately moved in with a fella she met on the beach in the first month there. They were all stuck in Oz. The H and boys made lives for themselves, but it was utterly horrible for them for many years.

The other left her H and two year old daughter and ran off to London with the proverbial postman, I kid you not. The pair had several children and the mother only visited the first child intermittently. I was visiting my mum once when this woman arrived in a taxi to see her parents, who lived across the street, and her oldest child ran out, all excited to see her. She brushed past the child. People like this exist and I don't know how they look at themselves in the mirror.

You are completely justified in thinking you should cut ties. If there were no three year old child heading to the US with your sister I would do exactly that.

But I fear you are the only grownup in that child's life right now, so I would keep a line of communication open for the sake of that very vulnerable little girl.