Friend has an issue with my boyfriend

[Hunnybunny1234]

first time poster over here! Just need some advice on what other people would do in this situation.

one of my long term pals seems to have an issue with my boyfriend but I’m not sure why or what to do.

me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now and my friend is still single. I think part of the problem is that she’s feeling slightly jealous of my situation which is understandable and I do try to be as sensitive as I can to this. She never asks me about him or our relationship and acts as though he doesn’t exist which is infuriating as he is clearly a big part of my life.

there have been a few incidents in which she has caused tension with little things my boyfriend has said that she has disagreed with and refused to let him pick us up from the pub so got a lift from someone else. These incidents have been caused over nothing and other people who have witnessed them have agreed she was being over the top with her reactions.

my boyfriend now feels I shouldn’t be friends with a person who acts this way towards him and I understand but I also don’t want to lose my friendship.

what would you do?

Have you asked her what her problem is and why shes being weird/rude?

I wouldn't let either of them dictate. You get a lift from whom you choose. You get to hang out with whomsoever you choose.

They both sound a bit bossy!

I haven’t spoke to her about it as I don’t want to cause tension and I’m not even sure what I would say because it all sounds a bit pathetic like “why don’t you like my boyfriend kind of thing”

If you can't even talk to your friend about something that's bothering you, and something that's clearly an issue in your relationship, it's not much of a friendship.

I would ask her directly what the issue is, no beating around the bush.

Well, there’s either a good reason for her to dislike him or there isn’t.

Wouldn’t you rather actually know?

Can't you have a friendship with her and a relationship with him without them needing to get on?

Hi friend it's quite obvious that you're not keen on XXX. Is there any particular reason, has he said or done anything to upset you? I just feel that that the tension is making things awkward between us all and you're my good friend and he's my boyfriend and it will be nice if we could clear the air and find out what the problem is.

It may not be jealousy. She may just genuinely not like him. And unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it.

I lost a friend this way. She became a different person when he was there. So we drifted apart. Shame really.

Is there something you’re not telling us or maybe you don’t know?

I only ask because I have a dear friend who is currently involved with a man who has a history of violence against his partners, even including a short spell in jail.
I accept that it’s her choice to see him but I don’t ask about him and change the subject when she bigs him up in an anecdote. I don’t want to meet up or socialise with him either. I know it bothers her but that’s my boundary. I won’t entertain him.

There is nothing else to it at all, I am the happiest I’ve ever been and he couldn’t be a better partner or person and I am fine with the fact she may just not like him but I don’t understand why she doesn’t even seem to want to get to know him even before she met him she didn’t seem keen on meeting him!

Has it always been this way or did it start happening suddenly?

My best friend has been with her boyfriend for 10 years. We've been best friends since we started secondary school. I've said hello in passing a few times but we've never actually socialised together at all.

Neither of us has a problem with the other - it's just something that's never happened - but it's not an issue for any of us.

But she’s causing tension in your relationship. And it’s not pathetic at all to ask her why she doesn’t like your boyfriend. It could be that she has good reason. In which case wouldn’t you want to know? Equally she could be causing issues because she’s jealous. In which case, she’s not much of a friend really is she?

I just can’t for the life of me think how I would bring it up and how to word it as these things happened a number of months ago so it’s not like it’s been that recent either but it’s playing on my mind

What do you actually want to happen, though? For her to talk about him and/or listen to you talking about him? For them to socialise together with you? I’ve been married for forever to someone fabulous, and I have close friends who barely know him, or are less keen on him than I am. Similarly, DH isn’t always sold on my friends. It’s not an issue for any of us. Why are you so fussed?

I would just leave it until if/when it happens again in that case, and address the matter straight away. Much better that than sitting and stewing surely?

F

I’m not saying that I want them to be best friends, I just don’t want an awkward tension that makes my boyfriend feel uncomfortable and her making digs at him for no reason

Have you asked him? Why is it do you think friend doesn't like you? Watch him carefully as he responds especially his hand and eye movements.

I think you need to have a conversation. There could be something worth knowing- unlikely but did he have a relationship with someone your friend knew and it end badly, perhaps?

He thinks its jealousy which does make sense as she can be a bitter person in general sometimes

What does he think she's jealous of? That you're not single or that you're with him?

I don’t think she’s jealous of him I think she’s just jealous that I have the life she wants as she’s made no secret of the fact that she wants the big wedding and children etc and we’re both approaching 30 so I think she thought it would have happened for her by now

Do you always socialise all together, ie. Friend, dp and yourself (and friends). Maybe she feels a bit pushed out (which does occur). Twos company, threes a crowd.

if so, can you spend time just the two of you. Ie. Have a girlie night to the cinema etc.

Maybe I’ve read to much mumsnet, but the the sentence about your boyfriend wanting you to end the friendship is a little chilling. I can understand why he wouldn’t want a negative influence in your life. But is this controlling? Is that what your friend has identified and why she doesn’t like him. I’m probably overthinking the sentence, but he doesn’t get to dictate who you can be friends with. If you genuinely like her, then Don’t cut her off to please your boyfriend

The other people who’ve noticed & thought she over-reacted, are these mutual friends on yours & hers?
i know it’s not nice to involve other people but if you really feel you can’t talk to her about this, do you have a trusted mutual & unbiased friend who might be able to shed some light?
I have had 2 situations that have been similar but for different reasons.

i am definitely not suggesting this is the same situation but in the past I had a great friend turn hostile on my boyfriend, wouldn’t tell me why, he started the ‘she’s jealous’ and one day it blew up that he’d been trying it on with her & she didn’t feel she could tell me. He did admit it after deny deny denying. What I mean though is might she feel he’s a bit flirty? Could she have been misinformed that he’s a bit of a player & worried about you? I really hope you can speak to her.

on the other hand I’ve a friend who was like this with EVERY boyfriend I had & it wrecked the friendship, I still really miss her but it was getting too much that any time I went on a date / mentioned partner she’d give me silent treatment for a week or cancel plans over it. She was used to it being just her & I, and to be honest she wasn’t great with my other female friends either.

good luck sorting this out!