Friend has an issue with my boyfriend

[Hunnybunny1234]

first time poster over here! Just need some advice on what other people would do in this situation.

one of my long term pals seems to have an issue with my boyfriend but I’m not sure why or what to do.

me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now and my friend is still single. I think part of the problem is that she’s feeling slightly jealous of my situation which is understandable and I do try to be as sensitive as I can to this. She never asks me about him or our relationship and acts as though he doesn’t exist which is infuriating as he is clearly a big part of my life.

there have been a few incidents in which she has caused tension with little things my boyfriend has said that she has disagreed with and refused to let him pick us up from the pub so got a lift from someone else. These incidents have been caused over nothing and other people who have witnessed them have agreed she was being over the top with her reactions.

my boyfriend now feels I shouldn’t be friends with a person who acts this way towards him and I understand but I also don’t want to lose my friendship.

what would you do?

Is there any history between them that you could be unaware of?

Previous one night stand? Either could have made a pass at the other?

Maybe rejection causing resentment?

He was picking us up and one of my other friends we were with to save us paying for a taxi!

If she doesn’t like him for whatever reason it might be a way she can keep the peace and be friends with you. I loathe my step mother and certainly don’t bring her up in conversation with my dad and he avoids mentioning her to me. I happily asked about his previous partners, but sometimes two people can’t be around each other, no matter how fond they each are of the person they have in common.

If you want to stay friends with her, you might need to accept she doesn’t want anything to do with him.

I just can’t for the life of me think how I would bring it up and how to word it as these things happened a number of months ago so it’s not like it’s been that recent either but it’s playing on my mind

Hi friend it's quite obvious that you're not keen on XXX. Is there any particular reason, has he said or done anything to upset you? I just feel that that the tension is making things awkward between us all and you're my good friend and he's my boyfriend and it will be nice if we could clear the air and find out what the problem is.

^That seems to cover it

I've been on both sides of this. My old housemate disliked my new bf (now DH) and banned him from our house. It was nothing more than pure jealousy as she'd had a string of bad relationships.

On the other hand, I fell out with a long time male friend of mine because I HATED his new gf. He thought she was amazing but I saw right through her and distanced myself from the friendship because I couldn't tell him what I really thought or see him get hurt. They ended up getting married, having a child and divorced within a couple of years. She still makes his life hell years later and caused him a lot of mental health problems. Should I have told him? Maybe. Would I just be seen as jealous? Probably.

I'd say she's jealous or you've got some serious rose tinted specs on.

She’s being rude & I can see why your BF finds it strange. If she has any reasons to dislike him then you need to know if they are things that you can’t see but she does (red flags etc which it doesn’t sound like as you’d think she’d be able to tell you that). I think you need to address it.

How has she been about other BF’s of yours in the past? It will feel uncomfortable but then it’s just going to fester. Do you want to be worrying about how she’ll be at future social events, if you were to get married for eg, your wedding, kids, down the line? She has every right not to like him & to not want to spend time with him but you at least need to understand why. You cld say it’s a shame you don’t seem to like him that much. Obviously I’d like it if you did - what is it about him you don’t like? Is it so bad that you find it hard you be civil towards him because he’s finding it a bit uncomfortable & I am too. What’s up? Are you ok? Maybe?

Or a simple why don’t you like him wld do too!

He doesn't get to decide or tell you who you should be friends with.

If she is rude to him, he can say he doesn't want to be around her though.

It doesn't sound much of a friendship if she is rude, and says things that aren't kind.

I think you need to look at your boundaries in friendship AND relationships.

You sound vulnerable to me.

The Freedomprogramme.co.uk is a highly recommended online programme that helps to build boundaries.

Have a look.

She might just really dislike him. A friend of mine dated a man who I despised. He was so controlling he set my teeth on edge; the time when he was ordering me where to put furniture in my own house, it was even clear enough to my friend that she needed to remove him. He wasn't mean nor dangerous, and he wasn't particularly bad nor particularly good-looking, but he was highly irritating 90% of the time. I spoke to her because I felt she was settling for someone who didn't treat her well enough, but she loved him and went on to marry him. She insisted on having him turn up every time we met after that, at least at the beginning or end, so I've no idea if they're happy or not because I let the friendship drift. It's worth asking her what's wrong, but you might need to accept she just really doesn't like him.

Could it be that she has feelings for you??

Then again, she just might really dislike him. My friend once dated this vile, controlling dickhead who refused to allow my friend to have us (her friends) round HER house when he was there! We had to make sure we'd left by the time he came home!!!! I hated him. I told her once and she accused me of jealousy (I nearly threw up!). Thankfully she eventually got rid but didn't see his faults until she was out of the 'FOG'

Option 1) She is in l love with you.

Option 2) She knows something about him that gives her cause to hate him and she’s just not sharing it with you.

My friend is married to a man who I know cheated on her. As a result I cannot stand him. I make no effort to engage in conversation with him or about him. I tolerate him when we are all together but I actively dislike him and I can’t pretend otherwise.

I hope I hide my true feelings well but who knows? Maybe she’s always asking herself….”Why doesn’t perplexed like my husband?”