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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has an issue with my boyfriend

62 replies

Hunnybunny1234 · 24/05/2022 20:42

first time poster over here! Just need some advice on what other people would do in this situation.

one of my long term pals seems to have an issue with my boyfriend but I’m not sure why or what to do.

me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years now and my friend is still single. I think part of the problem is that she’s feeling slightly jealous of my situation which is understandable and I do try to be as sensitive as I can to this. She never asks me about him or our relationship and acts as though he doesn’t exist which is infuriating as he is clearly a big part of my life.

there have been a few incidents in which she has caused tension with little things my boyfriend has said that she has disagreed with and refused to let him pick us up from the pub so got a lift from someone else. These incidents have been caused over nothing and other people who have witnessed them have agreed she was being over the top with her reactions.

my boyfriend now feels I shouldn’t be friends with a person who acts this way towards him and I understand but I also don’t want to lose my friendship.

what would you do?

OP posts:

ScarlettSunset · 24/05/2022 22:25

Do you have other friends who get on OK with him? Has she ever given you a reason for not liking him?

Unfortunately, it really could just be that she is jealous - either of you for having him in your life, or because you're spending time with him when you could otherwise be hanging out with her.

I had a friend like this. We had been best friends for years, but when I started seeing my partner, she acted really off, and would barely acknowledge he existed. She wouldn't even contemplate meeting him or even referring to him by his actual name. Sadly, it did erode our friendship until we just stopped being friends anymore. However, my partner never once suggested I should stop being friends with her, and I would have felt very uneasy about it if he had.

Original poster

Hunnybunny1234 · 24/05/2022 22:26

It’s not so much that he’s forbidding me to be friends with her but he doesn’t understand why I’d want to be friends with her when she acts the way she does especially towards him but she has also done other things towards me which weren’t great so I see why he wouldn’t understand me wanting to be friends with her anymore however he doesn’t understand our history and I ultimately do still want to try and work on things

OP posts:

CherrySocks · 24/05/2022 22:30

girlmom21 · 24/05/2022 20:56

Can't you have a friendship with her and a relationship with him without them needing to get on?

Yes just keep them separate. I don't expect my friends to socialise with DH or vice versa. When I meet up with a friend they don't involve their partner.

Cigent · 24/05/2022 22:48

I think part of the problem is that she’s feeling slightly jealous of my situation which is understandable and I do try to be as sensitive as I can to this.

I have been single for a number of years, and have had friends' boyfriends accusing me of being jealous, when in reality I'd rather paper cut my own eyeballs than be in a relationship with them. I really doubt that she is.

Why is he asking you to drop your friend? Can't he just stay away when you're socialising with her? Has he tried to stop you seeing anyone else, or doing anything else? Any hobbies you've given up? Nights out cancelled or cut short? Him turning up on nights out unexpectedly?

Maybe I'm way off the mark but this is a classic move of a controlling partner upping the ante.

'Why do you want to see Lucy when she's so awful to me?' 'Oh I've got a lot of history with her. I do understand that you won't want to see her any more though darling. I'll have my nights out with her alone.' 'Great, sorted.' That is how that conversation should go. Anything else is him trying to control who you can see.

girlmom21 · 24/05/2022 22:50

It’s not so much that he’s forbidding me to be friends with her but he doesn’t understand why I’d want to be friends with her when she acts the way she does especially towards him

Because he's not more important than you?

Branleuse · 24/05/2022 23:03

Hunnybunny1234 · 24/05/2022 21:33

I’m not saying that I want them to be best friends, I just don’t want an awkward tension that makes my boyfriend feel uncomfortable and her making digs at him for no reason

Why cant you meet up elsewhere?
I dont want my friends partners hanging around us much.

GrumpyPanda · 24/05/2022 23:21

There's a lot of things in your description that strike me as either weird or alarming. Why on earth do you/BF think your friend isn't allowed to disagree with anything your BF says? Why is he telling you you ought to drop your friend? Your BF sounds like he wants to dominate the conversation and doesn't brook dissent - and if so, maybe your friend just doesn't feel comfortable with that. In any case, she is under no obligation to be best buddies with him just because the two of you are in a relationship.

thevanilla · 24/05/2022 23:26

your bf sounds controlling and you’re being silly (and insulting) to assume she’s jealous of your amazing relationship. Perhaps she just thinks he’s a dick

Vikinga · 24/05/2022 23:38

Hunnybunny1234 · 24/05/2022 22:26

I have a friend like this. I dated a few guys after I split up with my ex and she has only met my boyfriend of 2 years once.

I haven't cut her off but I have distance myself and distancing myself could make me see that she has toxic tendencies and actually as lovely as she can be, she is volatile and I'm not sure that her good bits make up for her bad bits. She's very self centred too.

I do miss her (even though we're still friends but only see each other every now and again) but feels a lot freer not having to deal with her and her moods (she was also jealous of my other friends so always felt guilty if I was doing something with them) .

Bogeyes · 25/05/2022 03:33

Has your boyfriend made a pass at your friend? I would ask your friend for honesty.

Player001 · 25/05/2022 04:58

There's really no point wondering and dreaming up scenarios, it'll get you nowhere. Best off asking her outright, gently of course! Perhaps the next time something happens you could ask why you feel tension?

'What if's' and 'woulda, shoulda, coulda' are a complete waste of time.

MayMi · 25/05/2022 05:33

I agree with a lot of what others have said here about the potential of your boyfriend being the problem instead of your friend. I've seen this situation multiple times.

Often the boyfriend gets put on a pedestal regardless of what he actually says/does and any friend who seems to be against him is considered jealous or toxic. In the end, the friend is often right about the guy.

You said there have been a couple of times in the 10+ years that she hadn't been great to you. That is a long time for any relationship, it would be unusual if you had never fallen out in all that time. Your boyfriend of 3 years has had much less time to do the same thing, and friend/boyfriend relationships are inherently different, so it's not a fair comparison to suggest that he's better than her for such things.

It really is worth you asking her straight why she doesn't like him. Maybe he's made a pass at her, maybe she's seen him doing something untoward, maybe he has bad vibes (vibes never lie) etc. There might be a solid reason why she feels she can't tell you without you asking, it'll be a relief for you all if you just ask.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 25/05/2022 06:23

Why would she have to ask about your boyfriend?

No one I know ever ask about other’s partners, some do talk about them, but that’s about it.

We’re the friends, not the partners, so who cares?

whiteroseredrose · 25/05/2022 06:35

Could it be anything to do with the fact that he is Police?

My brother is now a Police Officer and it has changed him. He is still lovely but he has a harder edge. In the end his marriage didn't last which is partly because of it.

Original poster

Hunnybunny1234 · 25/05/2022 07:28

I’m not saying that she needs to constantly talk about him but she won’t actually mention him at all which I found strange considering when I was single she would love to know the ins and outs of my dating life

OP posts:

Original poster

Hunnybunny1234 · 25/05/2022 07:32

Of course she can disagree with things he says! It’s the fact she almost causes arguments with him over something she disagrees with that’s very minor and not at all offensive and my BF sees me upset over this and wonders why I still have the desire to be friends with her when it’s caused me a lot of upset

OP posts:

boomoohoo · 25/05/2022 07:34

Just ask her, she's your friend. It could be jealousy but I'd bet she has other reasons for not liking him, that would be useful info for you.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 25/05/2022 07:41

Hunnybunny1234 · 25/05/2022 07:28

Well dating life is maybe (for those who care to listen about these things) a little more exciting than years long relationship.

Honestly, this isin’t something that would worry me at all.

Your boyfriend on the other hand….
calling her jealous is a red flag.

Ecclesfreckles · 25/05/2022 07:50

I've had friends like this and sadly it does all change when you get into a relationship. Some friends can only be happy for you when you're at the same stage of life as them and need you to avoid mention of anything that changes that dynamic.

It's because of jealousy/bitterness and especially if your friend's hopes and dreams have all been pinned on finding a man and it hasn't worked out. It's not your job to teach a grown woman how to manage disappointment in a healthy way.

Nonsense that your bf the problem. If there was something terrible about him, as your close friend she should have told you at the start instead of still being weird 3 years later. Also if she can see you the happiest you've ever been, she should be able to put her feelings to one side and not make it awkward. That's what friends do - she doesn't have to like him but she does need to be civil. Your bf is also not controlling to ask why you would want to hang out with someone you no doubt complain about or get upset by. Also a friendship where you have to keep an important part of your life hidden so as not to upset them isn't much of a friendship...

Not all friendships last forever and that's ok. I'm generally wary of any women who place so much focus on being in a relationship that they lose all perspective and it does make them bitter. You don't need to cut her off but if she is negative and bitter all the time and making you feel crap - you can take space. I imagine other friends will have done the same and she'll have to learn to better manage her feelings in front of you. Don't hang out with them both together and certainly don't let her cause problems in your relationship.

Only other thing - could she fancy your bf at all? Is he her normal type?

Original poster

Hunnybunny1234 · 25/05/2022 07:58

This is exactly how I see the situation, we are at very different life stages right now and I think we’re finding it hard to find common ground which is a shame but that’s life isn’t it!

OP posts:

Rewis · 25/05/2022 08:17

You can have separate relationships with the two of them. I don't have a relationship with quite a few of my friends partners. Not because I don't like them, but because it's not necessary. I meet up with a friend of mine and we do things just the two of us or a friendship group. If I'm at a friends house we say hello and exchange small talk and husband goes to do their own thing.

Bobbingrazorbill · 25/05/2022 08:19

I was like this with a friends boyfriend years ago. The problem was he was sleazy and made my skin crawl. He spoke\ treated her like dirt and tried it on with any woman he could behind her back including me. She did not want to hear anything against him. Every situation she twisted so I was at fault and could never see that he was issue. I got accused of being jealous. I wasn't what I was, was protective and concerned. It was easier not to mention him at all. Because if I spoke about him I could not hid my dislike and it would cause problems. He knew I saw right through him and tried to get her to stop being friends with me. I did distance myself from the 'happy couple' but I was there for her when they split and she found out his true colours. But I think for me it was to late. She had painted me out to be the bad guy for so long. I let that friendship drift which was a shame because we had been very close.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 25/05/2022 08:20

Sounds like you want to drop her as friend tbh.
Have some backbone.

’Different stages of life’ is bullshit excuse.
Almost everyone I know are in ’different stages’ one way or another, we still manage to be friends.
Because everyone is mature and don’t gossip about partners and actually have lives and interests.

JudyGemstone · 25/05/2022 08:26

how come he picked you up from your night out with her, and was he texting you throughout the night wanting to know how long you were going to be etc?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 25/05/2022 08:27

You won't know until you ask her

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