Lost it at another school mum

[blueishvase]

I will start by saying I have an unblemished 10 year record of no fights with school mums. My approach has always been to be nice to everyone, smile, rise above and get on with my life and this perhaps led me to putting up with nonsense from this one particular mother for way too long.

Anyway I had avoided her for some time due to her trying to shut down my son's birthday by saying it was a corona risk (it was within rules at the time, every other parent RSVP'd yes in record time just to get a break, even a child getting a split lip at the party was not picked up until it was over, so she was definitely the only parent who cared.) As a "goodwill gesture" I agreed to have her child over that week for the day. She had actually pushed for a sleepover the day before the party and I said no to that, then on the day she was late picking him up and then sent a message commenting on all the "carbs" and "party food" I'd given him (our usual diet.) At the point I decided to avoid her.

She then messaged me to say that my kid had been asking hers for a playdate and could I host. Stupidly I said yes, mostly because if my son had asked I would try to encourage the friendship and I actually feel sorry for the kid.

I then saw her that day at school when i was due to pick him up. She has started volunteering at the kids club group (they offer free activities for kids in lunchbreak). They were having a coffee morning, I think to try and drum up membership which was falling due to corona. Like many, we were members but left during corona as we weren't getting anything out of it, and we also got hit very hard financially as we are both freelance. Plus our older son never used the clubs. Anyway I went over to ask about volunteering. And in front of a load of people she asked me, really loudly, "ARE YOU A MEMBER?". I had to explain in front of other parents that I wasn't, we had left during corona and hadn't re-joined. And she said "OH WOULD YOU LIKE A FORM!".

I was so furious as we are worried about money. Our situation is not dire, but it's on our minds. And I'm pretty sure she would have checked out every single parents membership status anyway - she is that kind of person. And she didn't ask anyone else.

Anyway I messaged her saying I thought she was innappropriate and rude and our financial priorities are our concern and none of her business. And in future don't ask me to have her son.

She messaged back saying she was sincerely sorry but at the end of the day they are volunteers and just want what's best for the kids and they were asking everyone (they weren't, I was the only one who go asked and everyone looked mortified.)

There is loads more backstory, mostly about her sending me catty messages and making catty comments and pestering me for childcare, but I have already gone on enough. I am now worried about what she will do next. She's quite vicious and I just don't need it. I've blocked her on WhatsApp thank god.

@Tiani4 good advice, thank you. And yes my OP wasn't clear, I can see that now. So the 'your child has invited mine over' is a thing?! I thought it was just her being rude. Your message back is perfect though. I doubt I'll see her much at school and have now blocked her now.

@pollyglot Good point re. all the checks - I am not in the UK but your question makes me appreciate (yet again) that the way things are run here is often a bit odd and way too relaxed, and would be questioned in other places a lot more.

None of it makes logical sense. Contributions are voluntary, irrelevant of expectation, so clearly asking if you wished a form to join, when you had fronted up at the club trying to get involved is not asking about your financial status. It’s a totally normal thing to ask.

and rhe whole they would earn a hundred grand if every single kid in the school joined and every single parent paid is a bit odd, it’s highly unlikely this is the case.

bottom line is you turned up at the club, wanted to be included in it, are embarrassed you can’t pay, even though you don’t actually have to, and so lashed out at this woman, for simply asking if you wish to become a member, and are now trying to make it that it’s her fault.

I have definitely read about this woman before somewhere. I remember a post about a birthday party and someone not wanting their child to attend but asked for a sleepover instead.

I do wonder if you are massively overthinking this woman’s actions as a slight, and that’s why you are getting so wound up. You feel that everything she does is targeted.

As you’re not in the UK, could it be a cultural thing?

Time to de-stress your life. If this individual brings out your anxieties then look after yourself and emotional well being first, cut out the toxicity. You were probably unreasonable about the form, but it sounds like it's a straw and camel's back scenario. Maybe do something for your mental health instead of volunteering at the school, something that brings you joy and peace. Good luck OP, hope it improves on the work front.

Maybe you are feeling sensitive because you could not afford to join but from what you say all she asked was if you wanted to join. Maybe you overreacted a bit due to embarrassment. But if you don't like her don't offer child care and block on SM.

So the 'your child has invited mine over' is a thing?! I thought it was just her being rude.

the fact you presumed she was being rude speaks volumes and makes your “unblemished record” look highly unlikely

I don't understand, from what you've said no mention of money was made by her. I think you are under stress and honestly making a mountain out of a mole hill. You sound very easily offended and precious tbh.

Children wanting to play with their friends is a thing, yes. A very normal one.

Friend: would you like to come and play?
Friend 2: Is that ok with your Mum?
Friend: sure it will be
Friend 2: I'll ask my Mum if I can
Mum: I'd better check with the other mum.

Checks with other mum, gets short shrift and backs off slowly.

@BrunoMadrigal Yes I mentioned her once on another thread. Haven't ever started a thread about her before today and hopefully won't need to again. There aren't cultural differences, more similarities in fact - we share the same profession, so when I first met her there was some superficial common ground, she wanted to 'pick my brains' about my work contacts, 'share the load' with childcare etc but eventually I realised it was all one way and distanced myself.

@Regina70 That is such a kind post, thank you. I am a little under the weather right now but will be back on my game shortly.

I am leaving this post now as I need to get on with things but thank you so much to everyone who has made constructive comments.

Totally agree - you are being unreasonable.

Dear God is this what motherhood is like now? You are overinvolved and obsessive. Get a hobby or something.

Form thing wasn't rude - I think you're just feeling sensitive about finances. Thay said she was probably having a little dig as she didn't ask anyone else but who knows?

Commenting on what you guys had for dinner was though. If she is so fussy then either she can pack a meal for her child or pick him or her up prior to a meal.

IMO unless it is an allergy issue you eat what you're given when you go to someone else's home for dinner.

Avoid her. Don't have play dates and keep it moving.

I may have skim read this too quickly but I didn't think she did anything wrong - all she did was ask if you wanted a form. However, her behaviour over the party/enforced play dates is a bit ridiculous.

Ugh people like this are so annoying!!! They just eat away at you with little comments then when you finally blow you look like the whack job.

It’ll probably blow over after a few interactions but definitely grab a glass of red and watch some videos on Narcissism in women/ Narcissistic friends. Hopefully it’ll give you some understanding and closure that you’re not mad💕

Good luck and Massive hugs xxx

YABU

Yanbu because we had a mum like this and in the end I went from tolerating to be polite to actually avoiding at all costs as she was that bloody annoying.
The type who expect everyone to be helping them out, yet you ask for a minor bit of help and they act like you've slapped them. That expect a load of playdates and never reciprocate. The type who probably stirs to everyone about everyone.
OP, you've done the right thing. Block. Ignore. Avoid.

OP just to say you obviously have alot on your mind in addition to all that perhaps financial worries (who hasn't after the nasty couple of years we all had). Really sorry to hear of your incident and I think then have to justify it on this platform when all you wanted was a kind word and feel it's made worse. It seems like a broken link in the communication you both had and hopefully you will be in a better head space with this soon xx

It sounds like your pissed off at being her free childcare giver don’t be a door mat tell her to do one!! Block her on everything.
She only gets under your skin if you let her; no one has to volunteer if works scarce & monies a bit tight don’t do it concentrate on your family & your issues everyone else can sod off, it’s trying times for everyone.

I'd be wanting to know where all that money went.

It all sounds like far too much drama.
Sounds like life would be easier with a hello/goodbye at the school runs.
Or go to work full time so you'll have more to do.

A school club running at lunchtime, staffed by volunteers, receiving 100k a year in funds? So, it lasts…an hour?

what crafts is it, diamond polishing and caviar eating contests?!

all utterly, utterly bizarre. What age kids? What’s wrong with them just playing/running around/being kids?

why did parents need a break if restrictions were relaxed? Why did she ask for a play date if Corona worried her?

so, so many questions.

How very dare this woman ask other parents if they would like a form that they could potentially fill in and return in order to contribute, if they can, to the school. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

YABVU.

I don’t even understand the need for the backstory. She was there, doing a thing she was supposed to be doing, and you happened to cross her path while she was doing it.

This

Sounds like you’re overreacting, sorry, mind you it’s understandable with all the stuff we have to keep on top of. Take a breath, chill, reboot, and if she really winds you up, try to minimise contact.

There was no bait. She asked if you were a member and if you would like a form. And you "lost it" at her? What does that mean, in practice?

sounds like some old rubbish you!🤖