Lost it at another school mum

[blueishvase]

I will start by saying I have an unblemished 10 year record of no fights with school mums. My approach has always been to be nice to everyone, smile, rise above and get on with my life and this perhaps led me to putting up with nonsense from this one particular mother for way too long.

Anyway I had avoided her for some time due to her trying to shut down my son's birthday by saying it was a corona risk (it was within rules at the time, every other parent RSVP'd yes in record time just to get a break, even a child getting a split lip at the party was not picked up until it was over, so she was definitely the only parent who cared.) As a "goodwill gesture" I agreed to have her child over that week for the day. She had actually pushed for a sleepover the day before the party and I said no to that, then on the day she was late picking him up and then sent a message commenting on all the "carbs" and "party food" I'd given him (our usual diet.) At the point I decided to avoid her.

She then messaged me to say that my kid had been asking hers for a playdate and could I host. Stupidly I said yes, mostly because if my son had asked I would try to encourage the friendship and I actually feel sorry for the kid.

I then saw her that day at school when i was due to pick him up. She has started volunteering at the kids club group (they offer free activities for kids in lunchbreak). They were having a coffee morning, I think to try and drum up membership which was falling due to corona. Like many, we were members but left during corona as we weren't getting anything out of it, and we also got hit very hard financially as we are both freelance. Plus our older son never used the clubs. Anyway I went over to ask about volunteering. And in front of a load of people she asked me, really loudly, "ARE YOU A MEMBER?". I had to explain in front of other parents that I wasn't, we had left during corona and hadn't re-joined. And she said "OH WOULD YOU LIKE A FORM!".

I was so furious as we are worried about money. Our situation is not dire, but it's on our minds. And I'm pretty sure she would have checked out every single parents membership status anyway - she is that kind of person. And she didn't ask anyone else.

Anyway I messaged her saying I thought she was innappropriate and rude and our financial priorities are our concern and none of her business. And in future don't ask me to have her son.

She messaged back saying she was sincerely sorry but at the end of the day they are volunteers and just want what's best for the kids and they were asking everyone (they weren't, I was the only one who go asked and everyone looked mortified.)

There is loads more backstory, mostly about her sending me catty messages and making catty comments and pestering me for childcare, but I have already gone on enough. I am now worried about what she will do next. She's quite vicious and I just don't need it. I've blocked her on WhatsApp thank god.

@Fidodidit There is a backstory of random catty comments but if I listed every one of them I'd sound (even more) unhinged. Actually I wouldn't but I'd be drip feeding.

She has form for asking very pointed questions about things that aren't her business, put it that way.

Op, she didn't do anything wrong here. She asked if you wanted a form 😅 deary me

I think we've enough backstory to keep us going all afternoon in fairness.
None of which makes any sense.

Was the child who got the split lip at your house her child? Why is it a good thing that nobody gave a shit about a child getting a split lip (hint: it's not) Was she at the party with the split lip episode? Despite not wanting the party? She was the only one who cared about the SL episode? But wasn't there because it was a Covid risk?

I feel like I've been drinking. I might start.

I think this is probably hard for us to understand without knowing how the club works. Are you saying that joining is helping fund supplies for the lunchtime activities, and that it should be easy to work out that someone who has stopped contributing has done so because money has got tighter? I can see where you’re coming from if so.

It sounds like she was very patronising when giving you the form. I have very little time for school mums, you are best rid of people like this. Just ignore her and stay away.

@PAFMO Sorry. Have a drink. She wanted us to cancel the party at a local sports venue due to corona. But it was within rules at the time, and every other parent was desperate for a break so even though there was some risk they were all tested. The split lip is not really relevant to the story, only to illustrated that most parents were grateful for an afternoon off and certainly didn't try and shut the party down.

There's obviously a huge back story (waits for the drip feed) but in this instance you were overly dramatic and unreasonable for instigating an argument over nothing. She asked you if you would like a form. I bet nobody else even registered her asking or your response or gave the slightest shit about the answer.
It sounds best you keep away from each other, you clearly rub each other up the wrong way. Don't do playdates, don't chat, just ignore each other.

I don’t understand the bit about the child with a split lip (or any of it tbh).

The op was using that to illustrate how unreasonable the woman was, as she was the only one to object to op’s son’s party during Covid. Literally every other parent was all in favour, to the extent that even a child who had sustained an injury was not picked up early, due to the parent making the most of their taste of freedom. I think.

At worst, she knew you were no longer a member and was being a bit pointed about asking you if you wanted to join, but I can't see how your financial situation was being disclosed or discussed?

I do wonder whether you just don't like her, so anything she says or does will just run you up the wrong way?

@Lanareyrey The club is a voluntary thing organised by parents and organises clubs at lunchtime. There's a fair bit of gentle pressure to join, but it's not compulsory. So yes being asked loudly if I was a member felt patronising and embarrassing. Especially as no one else got asked who was with me.

Is not having had a fight at the school gates a thing then? Damn, and all these years I was oblivious that I was somehow special because I’ve never had a fight at the school gates 😂

The free childcare thing would annoy me more than the differential treatment tbh.

It's tough worrying about your finances, maybe a good pretext for removing mood hoovers from your life..

Why did you feel compelled to provide a "goodwill gesture" playdate? Why was it down to you to compensate her/her child for something they refused to attend?

Why do you want to volunteer for a club? By volunteering, would you get a free spot for your child? Do any other volunteers get a free spot for their children?

You are making a drama out of nothing.
YabVu

@AngelinaFangelina If i start drip feeding I'll drown myself. But yes I agree entirely that on this occasion I overreacted which is really fucking annoying (for me.) And yes I already avoid her like the plague.

Lol

I imagine this woman sitting at home wondering wtf she did to deserve a shitty message from you.

Have you been at the Corona? None of this makes sense.

Someone asked you if you were a member. You said you left but hadn't rejoined, and she said 'Would you like a form?' in case you were thinking of rejoining. All you had to say was 'Not at the moment, but I was wondering about volunteering to help out'.

End of story. I'm really baffled that this tiny thing would have bothered you.

@ATeamAmy The "goodwill playdate" idea was hers. Apparently her child was very, very upset he couldn't come to the party and she said could he either stay over the night before or come for the day during the week. I should have said no but I was trying to rise above my irritation for the sake of the kids' friendship.

She may well have been problematic previously but on this occasion she did absolutely nothing wrong and even her text message reply to you was perfectly fine.

You have a bee in your bonnet about these perceived slights and wrongdoings has but so far it only comes across that you are the bolshy one.

I think I understand you OP, although I'm not sure she actively intended bitchiness this time! With any luck she will now think you are odd and avoid you. So that's a win-win really.....

She means arguments, not actual fist fights, don't be silly.

The split lip thing, super obvious what she means.

Who complains about carbs for children, the other mum sounds weird to me.

I assumed by no fights, op meant she hadn't had any arguments with any school parents for ten years which indicates she isn't an argumentative person.

I have no idea why a voluntary/free club involves knowing about finances but anyway maybe she was asking because she already thought you were a member? Why would she know you'd left? And even if you'd left why would anyone assume/know/care that it was for financial reasons? I think you were projecting here about her trying to embarrass you. Assume the playdate was cancelled. Poor kids!