Lost it at another school mum

[blueishvase]

I will start by saying I have an unblemished 10 year record of no fights with school mums. My approach has always been to be nice to everyone, smile, rise above and get on with my life and this perhaps led me to putting up with nonsense from this one particular mother for way too long.

Anyway I had avoided her for some time due to her trying to shut down my son's birthday by saying it was a corona risk (it was within rules at the time, every other parent RSVP'd yes in record time just to get a break, even a child getting a split lip at the party was not picked up until it was over, so she was definitely the only parent who cared.) As a "goodwill gesture" I agreed to have her child over that week for the day. She had actually pushed for a sleepover the day before the party and I said no to that, then on the day she was late picking him up and then sent a message commenting on all the "carbs" and "party food" I'd given him (our usual diet.) At the point I decided to avoid her.

She then messaged me to say that my kid had been asking hers for a playdate and could I host. Stupidly I said yes, mostly because if my son had asked I would try to encourage the friendship and I actually feel sorry for the kid.

I then saw her that day at school when i was due to pick him up. She has started volunteering at the kids club group (they offer free activities for kids in lunchbreak). They were having a coffee morning, I think to try and drum up membership which was falling due to corona. Like many, we were members but left during corona as we weren't getting anything out of it, and we also got hit very hard financially as we are both freelance. Plus our older son never used the clubs. Anyway I went over to ask about volunteering. And in front of a load of people she asked me, really loudly, "ARE YOU A MEMBER?". I had to explain in front of other parents that I wasn't, we had left during corona and hadn't re-joined. And she said "OH WOULD YOU LIKE A FORM!".

I was so furious as we are worried about money. Our situation is not dire, but it's on our minds. And I'm pretty sure she would have checked out every single parents membership status anyway - she is that kind of person. And she didn't ask anyone else.

Anyway I messaged her saying I thought she was innappropriate and rude and our financial priorities are our concern and none of her business. And in future don't ask me to have her son.

She messaged back saying she was sincerely sorry but at the end of the day they are volunteers and just want what's best for the kids and they were asking everyone (they weren't, I was the only one who go asked and everyone looked mortified.)

There is loads more backstory, mostly about her sending me catty messages and making catty comments and pestering me for childcare, but I have already gone on enough. I am now worried about what she will do next. She's quite vicious and I just don't need it. I've blocked her on WhatsApp thank god.

100 per cent this! Great comparison and I love that show! Everyone's known an Amanda in some area of their life and if they haven't they will do one day so I don't know why others find it so hard to empathise with you (maybe they are all Amandas themselves)?!

You are coming across as unreasonable.

This (along with you not being in the UK) is a fundamental piece of information that, had it been in your OP, would have made this far easier for all concerned. You made this so complicated. It didn’t need to be at all.

Tbh, if this level of complication is threaded through all your social interactions it’s perhaps not surprising that your school interactions are tricky. Most people aren’t as invested in social networks with school parents as you seem to be.

@KarmaStar I am not going to my GP about this. The mental health system is very strained here right now as a result of the pandemic and people with genuine mental health issues need help more than I do. I'm perfectly sane though perhaps a little less tolerant than usual due to various things going on.

I'm still really confused about the club, can you explain it more, OP?

So, is it like you pay £50 a month and for that money your chid(ren) and other children can go off at lunchtime and do paid for activities while the children of parents who haven't paid cannot go and do these activities?

And then the volunteer side of things, is this like the business management side of things, so hiring the people who come in and do the various clubs?

And you went to an event which I'm assuming wasn't a coffee morning but a meeting to up membership of paying parents? And you went to offer your services to be on the management committee and the lady you don't like tried to 'sell' you membership of the club eve though she knew you had given it up for financial reasons.

Is that it?

Why didn't you mention that this lunchtime club was funded by a monthly DD??? God that's awful, and totally socially inept of her to question why you gave up during Covid. I personally wouldn't assume you gave up the contributions during covid because of financial circs, probably something to do with the fact the service wasn't put on so what would they need the money for?? I'd like to know where this money is going.

She's just a glory helping do gooder. Why are school even letting this happen??

Avoid her like the plague and DO NOT CONTRIBUTE. I say this as chair of governors of our local primary.

I came here to say this! Total Amanda vibes! I'm now imagining OP spray painting 'CRAP CLUB' on the kids club signage 😁

Because sure, on paper, it sounds relatively innocent. But in person, you can see a fake smile on someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart a mile off. It sounds like OP might have tried to tend and befriend this woman to squash it, but it doesn't seem to have worked.

Just sack this woman off and laugh at her Amandaness!

@alwaysandtogether All children can use the club. It offers lunchtime activities eg craft, sport clubs every day. They ask for a voluntary membership payment from parents but it's not compulsory, and the activities are open to all children, not just paying ones. But the "expectation" is that parents pay.

To be honest I don't know where all the money goes, it seems like a lot and there's no accounting ever offered. If every parent in the school pays its about 120K a year so it started to feel like a bit of a rort.

We paid all through school until the pandemic -- they kept taking money each month when our kids weren't even at school, and we decided to cancel as even though it was expected of parents we weren't getting anything from it and never had.

They organised a coffee morning and I went to ask if they wanted a volunteer. I have skills that I could share with the students and had actually been in the day before talking to a class about them, which gave me the idea. I was thinking of rejoining also but when things are a bit more secure for us. While I was there, having a coffee with other parents I know, she loudly asked me, and only me, if I was a member (ie are your paying your fees?). I guess you had to be there but other parents looked shocked and I felt quite put on the spot as no one else got asked that so loudly and directly.

Given that I was looking after her kid that day, at her request, I was even more annoyed.

I have just watched a Motherland clip and had a flashback to a scene at a school BBQ when I was serving hotdogs and she flounced up and asked "Can I get a sausage or what?" in a very huffy tone, like I was doing her a massive favour.

Basically yes she is Amanda on steroids.

I think it's the form that broke the camels back here,it seems she's been catty with you for a long time,I recommend that you just avoid her

OK, I've changed my mind, it sounds like you (and everyone else) have been having your leg lifted by these sheisters for far too long. I wouldn't be offering something for free to an organisation that was raking in 120k for craft and sports (what the actual fuck) so I think you walked into the lion's den on that one.

I have never heard the like of what you've described and perhaps it's common in the country you are living in but I would be marching in the opposite direction of anyone who thought that was a reasonable thing for parents to pay for.

With all the extra content you've given I think now YANBU.

P.S I just had to google rort as never heard of it. Are you in Australia? So that 120k is equivalent to about 70,000 English pounds?

@alwaysandtogether Not in Australia. It's about 100K in GBP. Such parent funded clubs are not common in this country but perhaps this city as its more international. I know I'm being vague but I''m wary of someone I know recognising me!

£100k is raised annually by parents so the kids can do lunchtime activities??

Can I just point out I have an unblemished 3 week record of no fights in Wetherspoons

YABU.
All she did was offer you a form - she didn't ask anything about your financial situation. The message you sent was just plain odd, and rude.

You have committed the cardinal sin of not Rtft.
Op YANBU the other Mum sounds obnoxious.

How can you volunteer to run a group/club without jumping through all the hoops of police checks/H&S issues? If there is no such procedure, I, as a parent, would want to know why.
As a teacher, I ran clubs, or offered tutoring sessions at least once, and more often twice a week for 47 years. No cost to anyone, except me, in terms of not getting lunch or coffee.

I think you were badly scarred by covid situation and are now overly sensitive.

Nothing to see here, there’s no bad behaviour, only you feeling insecure and massively overreacting.

She simply asked if you were a member and if you wanted a form and you did your nut? And you’re now trying to big up every reason possible why it’s justifiable for you to have done your nut over being asked such a basic and normal question?

why would she ask anyone else? Were they lining up asking to volunteer and not members or something and you knew them to be non members? It makes no sense.

I think you were embarrassed as you were trying to effectively be part of the club for free, can’t afford to join but want to, and have taken it out on her and are now trying to justify it.

@blueishvase

You've finally explained what the behaviour from this other mum was that you reacted to.
Your opening post could have been written far easier to follow and just said that and covered the rest by saying you'd previously felt pushed into having play date later at yours later that day in a 1:1 with her DS as she didn't want her child to attend your child's birthday party due to covid risk in gatherings

I think PPs would have understood and been more sympathetic if could work out exactly what she'd done to embarrass you.

Btw sending her an "i was unhappy to be embarrassed by you like that" text wasn't a "fight with another school mum".

I still can't tell if the play date went ahead or not but maybe that was the time she (?) arrived late to pick him up and complained about his having carbs?

Regardless , this school mum annoys you so just nix in the bud any future playdates between your child and her DS. Tell your child you don't want her child over again to your house. Then problem solved. It sounds like your child has ole Ty of other friends to choose from and he can play with her child at school.

If a parent annoys me and/ or are late picking up without good excuse then I don't agree to future playdates. Even... if they text me tell me that my child has invited theirs over... I'd simply reply in text "Ok thanks for letting me know- he shouldn't have, I'll have a word with him" or "no thankyou,, we aren't free" if I don't want to discuss it.

I think less is more sometimes. So maybe try to avoid this other mum.

Or when she does her lous nosey talking or commentary reply "wow you're talking loudly, that's not something I'd want to discuss like this, can we change subject please"

Everyone on the thread since early doors has RTFT, asked for clarification about the (rather a lot) of incomprehensible bits, read the clarification and further dripfeeds and still thinks the OP is U.

Op
i have a strong sense that a lot of crap is going on in your life and you have a tendency to be sensitive to perceived slights that really many of us would either not even notice or shrug off without a second’s thought.

if I were you, I’d be paying for therapy