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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give this wedding a miss this time?

66 replies

Kertrats · 24/05/2022 08:11

Hi all, I've received a wedding invite to attend my cousin's wedding in Aberdeen.
She married 8 years ago there but sadly her dh (obviously now ex-dh) left for another woman.
All her ex-dh's and her family live in the South East of England but as THEY lived there at the time we all made the effort to go to the FIRST wedding (apologies for capitals but I want to be clear).
After her divorce she relocated back to the South East of England, met a new guy and now they're getting married in Aberdeen, too.
Now obviously she can get married where she likes (though I can discern no reason why she'd marry there again as her new chap's family are from Surrey) but the truth is it's going to be really expensive and arduous to go all the way up there again.
In all honesty, the very fact that she's getting married in the same location as first wedding is to me a huge red flag that the marriage is doomed. No flaming please. That's just my opinion and I could be wrong.
That's just my opinion of course but I haven't the time or money to attend something I don't even think is going to work out.
Obviously I would NOT say any of this in real life, but If you were her and her parents would you be secretly annoyed at me for not going this time (even if you said you were OK with it)?
I don't want to be disliked behind my back for this.
I understand her immediate family have to attend regardless.

OP posts:
Thehop · 24/05/2022 08:14

If you can’t afford it easily and don’t want to go that’s fine, apologise and decline and offer to celebrate go over pics whatever when they’re back

Merryclaire · 24/05/2022 08:15

While going to weddings can be an expense and a drag if you don’t enjoy them, I think it would come across as very unsupportive not to go to her wedding simply because you made the effort for the last one. This is a completely different relationship and marriage.
But then also depends on how close you are - if you haven’t seen her for years then I wouldn’t go anyway.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/05/2022 08:19

Is she FROM Aberdeen though?

If so, it's perfectly normal for her to get married there, and I would make a reasonable effort to go if I could afford it and get the time off. After all, it's not her fault husband number 1 skipped out.

If she's not from Aberdeen then no, unless we were close I would excuse myself.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 24/05/2022 08:20

You're thinking way too much into it.

Just say you can't afford it if you don't want to go.

LindaEllen · 24/05/2022 08:26

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Just make sure that's definitely the reason you don't want to go, because otherwise there's a risk someone will offer to pay you to go and then you'll feel obligated.

CatSpeakForDummies · 24/05/2022 08:28

You travelling to where the bride and groom live for their wedding (the first one) is completely normal behaviour, it's not like they asked you to go to the North Pole or anything, your attitude that it was unreasonable in some way is ridiculous. I bet she travelled down for family weddings in that time, were they all worried about putting her out?

Maybe she still has a lot of friends there, maybe it's where they met? It's a major UK city, not somewhere ridiculous. If you don't want to go, then don't, but don't kid yourself that her expectations are OTT.

Antarcticant · 24/05/2022 08:32

Are you saying she and her fiancé live in SE England but are travelling to Aberdeen to get married because that's where her last wedding took place?

If so, YANBU. The distance is such it's akin to a 'destination wedding'.

CurbsideProphet · 24/05/2022 08:33

We had a 7 hour round trip for a wedding recently. Absolutely knackering.YANBU to politely decline.

Divebar2021 · 24/05/2022 08:35

I think it’s fair enough not to go if you don’t want to and money is an issue but it’s unreasonable to assume the marriage is doomed because of where they are marrying. That seems like very wonky logic to me.

Herejustforthisone · 24/05/2022 08:36

You sound rather scornful and like you really don’t like her.

The poor woman wants happiness after her first husband left her. She’s also entitled to get married where she likes…

However, you’re also free to not attend if you don’t want to.

Sally872 · 24/05/2022 08:41

Don't think about the back story and first wedding effort that should not be a factor and sounds like you don't care as much about this relationship so I wouldn't mention that as even part of reason to anyone.

No thank you to this invite because wedding too much time or money is absolutely fine.

Morristj · 24/05/2022 08:42

Don't get in a knot about this. Just send a reply saying that sadly you won't be able to go.

PuppyMonkey · 24/05/2022 08:46

Sorry cousin, can’t make that date but best wishes to you both.

Tiani4 · 24/05/2022 08:46

I wouldn't say the second reason or your thoughts on it at all, which I can see you aren't planning to.

Yanbu to decline the invite as it is a long journey to attend and will be expensive.
I would send a polite decline and wish them a wonderful wedding day and lots of love on their upcoming marriage.

Qwill · 24/05/2022 08:50

It doesn’t need a backstory or your judgement on their choice of wedding location. If you can’t afford it, then don’t go.

rookiemere · 24/05/2022 09:03

If you don't want to go, don't go.
It is a second wedding so she shouldn't expect the same level of attendance as at a first wedding ( just my personal view).

Original poster
Kertrats · 24/05/2022 09:10

Thanks all. Like I said I do find it strange that she's marrying there again but I'll keep that to myself.
Just politely decline. Having thought about it, I don't think it's unreasonable for me as an extended family not to go, money is not unlimited for weddings (or anything!) and I think most people get that.
It cost nearly a grand last time what with everything so although her immediate family aren't badly off, I can't see them offering to pay. Thanks.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 24/05/2022 09:11

@Kertrats is she actually getting married at the same church /venue? That would be really weird. I'm considering getting married a second time and I would go out of my way to make it a completely different experience x

LadyEloise1 · 24/05/2022 09:20

@Kertrats
Does she live in Aberdeen ?

Just decline the wedding - get a nice Wedding Decline card. You don't have to say why.
Personally I'd include a gift voucher as a wedding gift.

Original poster
Kertrats · 24/05/2022 09:27

@LadyEloise1 She no longer lives in Aberdeen. She relocated to the South East of England after divorce.

@MissSmiley not the same venue but sufficiently close to trigger memories of first wedding. Like I said, I find it odd but their business I guess.
I've got the answer I'm looking for: seems I wouldn't be being unreasonable by not going and that's what I wanted opinions on. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 24/05/2022 09:31

I'm married for the second time and would be so hurt to think people were making these horrible predictions based on my choice of venue, especially if my first husband left me for someone else. How bitchy.

No one is unreasonable for not wanting to attend a cousin's wedding ever. I don't think people are supporting your long horrible brain fart though.

Original poster
Kertrats · 24/05/2022 09:42

@Flittingaboutagain hi I've mentioned the location without giving my take on it to friends and without prompting they too have noted that it is strange.
I don't think it's a brain fart at all, I think it's valid.
But all the best on your nuptials.

OP posts:
cornflakedreams · 24/05/2022 09:58

How many women do you think have just invited people to their second wedding in Aberdeen to a man from Surrey, having relocated from Aberdeen to the south east of England after having her first wedding in Aberdeen 8 years ago to a man who has since left her for another woman? Do you think that's a common non-specific scenario?

Because I am thinking that very specific and detailed scenario is not going to be shared by more than one woman - and therefore if she or any of her friends or family read this thread they will recognise her. Which makes it completely identifying because of all the detail you've included.

Were you intending to humiliate her by publishing such detailed and identifying information about her online? What if a trashy news site re-publishes it?

I cannot understand why you would include so much detail unless you wanted your relative and anyone who knows her to recognise who you're writing about.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 24/05/2022 10:55

Just invent a prior engagement. No one needs to know your feelings on how weird the choice of venue is or whether the marriage will last. You won’t be the only one who doesn’t go.

saraclara · 24/05/2022 10:58

Why did you originally say that you were okay with it though? That's the bit that makes it tricky, imo, for you to now not go.